Democracy: Not just for whites anymore. At an appearance with the Canadian Prime Minister today, Shrub sez again that he really, really believes that you don't have to be white to enjoy freedom:

There's a lot of people in the world who don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern. I reject that. I reject that strongly. I believe that people who practice the Muslim faith can self-govern. I believe that people whose skins aren't necessarily -- are a different color than white can self-govern.

Wow! He really is quite the progressive!
A couple of questions. 1) Who does he mean by "ours," and when did the U.S. become all-white? 2)What the hell is he talking about?

Sick day. I'm home sick again today. And so I'm going to spend most of the day on the couch watching DVDs, which means that I won't be aiding and abetting your avoidance of work throughout the day. I'll summarize what today's posts would have looked like: Bush bad, Cheney bad, righteous indignation, partisan rhetoric, abnormal animals, Iraq SNAFU, media bad, end of the day.

But Zack sent along this link to a game where you can fight Shrub (or Kerry) mano-a-mano. There are other games there as well, but they take a while to load from a dial-up connection, and I haven't tried them out. But I'm sure that they are fun. So you can enjoy those. Try to have a good day. And don't forget to vote in the new poll. Yay!

And the winner is.... Due to popular demand (two people), I have ended the first poll after what was a record turnout. Here are the results:

What do you think of this poll?
5 votes: I think George W. Bush is evil.
3 votes: You know what I think, you sonuvabeeyotch.
2 votes: It's Super! Another diversion from work!
1 vote: About five.
1 vote: What kind of sicko are you?

Thanks too all those who played. And please remember, the poll is for entertainment purpose only. Please, no gambling.

Another playa-hata. Joe Wilson's book, "The Politics of Truth: Inside the Lies that Led to War and Betrayed My Wife's CIA Identity" hits the shelves tomorrow. In the book, Wilson names three people who he believes were involved in the outing of his wife as a CIA operative as payback for Wilson exposing the "yellowcake" lies. Who done it? Lewis "Scooter" Libby (Cheney's Chief of Staff), Elliott Abrams (Iran/Contra criminal), and/or KKKarl Rove (White House Punk). Of course, we all know that Joseph Wilson is just a partisan hack out to make a buck. So look to see the Bushies making the rounds on the weekend talkshows pushing stories about how Wilson isn't to be believed, and if he were really concerned about his wife's safety, then why would he write a book. And also, Wilson is an advisor to John Kerry, so how can we possibly take his word for anything? It's not like he was the last American diplomat to meet with Hussein in 1990, or anything like that.
Here is Wilson's appearance on "The Daily Show" a while back.

It's Baaaack. The diabolical snakehead fish has returned to the greater Washington D.C. metro area.

Cheney Wows Sept.11 Commission By Drinking Glass of Water While Bush Speaks (The Onion)


The Onion slays me. Shrub and Cheney will be holding hands when they meet with the 9/11 commission today in the Oval Office. C-Span won't be carrying a live feed of this one. In fact, there won't be any videocameras present. Nor will there be any recordings of any type. And there won't be a transcript produced. The only record will be from two staff members taking notes by hand. Impressive, eh? It's not like this is important testimony that would be useful for the public to have. Oh, and their testimony won't be under oath. Ha.
You know, if I were a more cynical person, I might be led to think that Bush and Cheney have something to hide, and that Shrub's handlers are afraid of letting him go in front of the commission by himself for fear that it would become evident how clueless he really is. Fortunately, I'm not the cynical type. So I'm sure that they're just meeting jointly to save the commissioners' time. It's only the courteous thing to do. And they probably don't want to set a precedent of allowing sitting Presidents to be forced to testify under oath while being videotaped. Unless that testimony is about oral sex. But the largest intelligence breakdown in U.S. history? Nah.

Up is down. Bush sez: "Most of Fallujah is returning to normal." If by "normal" he means "SNAFU", then yeah, I guess he's right.

Look at all those terrorists. Thus inspiring another great Daily Show segment.

Need a wedding dress? It's on eBay.

Muammar Gaddafi is a real joker. You may remember him as the evil terrorist-supporting dictator from the 1980s who the U.S. tried to assassinate but only actually killed a couple of members of his family. It seemed like he was on top of the world, el numero uno, the big kahuna, public enemy #1. But then Saddam Hussein stole the spotlight by invading Kuwait, and we decided that he was no longer a useful ally, and the world seemed to forget about little ol' Muammar.
Yadda yadda yadda, Bush decides to lift sanctions that kept U.S. businesses (i.e. Halliburton, Bechtel, Carlyle Group) from doing bidness inside Libya in exchange for Gaddafi giving up whatever WMD he may have had. To show his appreciation, Gaddafi warned the world that he hopes he never has to return to his evil terror-supporting ways.

"I hope that we shall not be prompted or obliged by any evil to go back or to look backwards," he said after defending his past support for militant third world freedom fighters.

"We do hope that we shall not be obliged or forced one day to go back to those days when we bombed our cars or put explosive belts around our beds and around our women so that we will not be searched and not be harassed in our bedrooms and in our homes, as it is taking place now in Iraq and in Palestine."

Yes, Muammar Gaddafi, our new best friend. He hopes that he won't have to be behind any more hijackings or bombings. So gracious. Thanks, Shrub!

Another sign of incompetence. Jeebus, the morons in the IGC can't even get the smallest things right. Of all the colossal blunders that have been made (disbanding the Iraqi army, having no post-war plan, privatizing the reconstruction rather than using Iraqi workers, putting Chalabi anywhere near power), you'd think that they could maybe get something right such as designing a new Iraqi flag. Nope. Here's a picture of the proposed flag:

Now, what's so wrong with this? It sure looks purty, don't it? Well, for one, the colors are all wrong. Those are the colors of the Israeli and U.N. flags. Bad move. Secondly, the folks at the IGC aren't so popular these days, and they didn't really seek any outside input from, you know, other Iraqis.
Rightwingers will likely say, "It's just a flag, just be glad we gave you freedom." But then tell those wingnuts that you want to burn the American flag because "It's just a flag, just be glad you have freedom."
I mean, if you had to choose a bone to throw to the Iraqis who are already quite peeved, this would certainly qualify. But I guess they at least didn't make the new flag red, white, and blue.
Tom Toles has a cartoon on the subject.

24. Another good episode last night. A couple of items though...
Item! CTU Agent Tony Almeda is a dickhead. Risking national security so that your pretty little wife doesn't lose an eye? After Kiefer put cap in the back of the head of Ryan "Nobody's Friend" Chappelle? After Tony sent Spawn into the field? When you know they're just gonna kill her anyway? What a putz.
Item! Why do they insist on moving precious cargo (Saunders' daughter) crosstown in a single unguarded car? They do this every damn season. They should've had that car surrounded by 8 other cars, especially since Spawn was along for the ride, and she's always bad luck.
Item! Chloe has to be a mole. She is the only one in the loop on everything and has been a complete distraction, especially last night. Just wait, she'll pull a gun on somebody soon.
Item! What happened to the healthcare bill?
Item! Worst dialogue of the season---after President Palmer is told by the Secret Service that they are invoking a special section of a clause that allows them to order the Preznit to be moved, Brother Palmer advises, "I'm not familiar with that section, but it appears that they are invoking it." Thankyou, you're so much help.

And finally today, here it is, a monkey washing a cat.

I'm bored. And I'm tired. And a little whiny. But more than that, I'm lazy. So here's an excerpt from Part 2 of My Life at the Ground Round that always puts a smile on my face:

Another interesting thing about dialogue at the GR has to do with the names people call each other. "Honey," "Sweety," "Babe," and "Darling" are commonly used to address others. I have never understood this phenomenon. "Hey, Honey, could you get me a ramekin of bleu cheese? Thanks, Darling." Or, "Could you follow me with this food, Sweety? Thanks, Honey." For the gentlemen, "Brother" is used frequently. "Hey, Brother, could you grab a salad bag for me?" Beats me. I don't get it any more than you do. But, I think I might start joining in with my own nicknames. For example, I might start calling others "Cupcake," "Puddinhead," "Slick," and "Clark."

And you've probably seen this before, but here is the least dignified cat in all history.

Puke. Did you ask for this? I certainly didn't ask for this:

Paris Hilton amused us in "The Simple Life." Now her parents are going to give it a go in "The Good Life." Rick and Kathy Hilton, via Handprint Entertainment, have convinced NBC to buy their version of "The Beverly Hillbillies." A family from the boondocks would be plopped down in New York, live with the Hiltons at the Waldorf, and be taught how to make it in high society. CBS tried to do a remake of "The Beverly Hillbillies," but it never made it onto the air. "Kathy and Rick have a softer touch [than CBS]," our insider said. "It's their turn to shine." NBC didn't return calls. (via Page Six)

I have a better idea. How about we storm the Hilton's residence, drink their drink, eat their food, and then burn the place down like Donnie Wahlberg? That would make for an exciting show. Now some may say that there is too much violence already in the media. To them I would say, "Your place is next. Now everyone booze up and riot!"

It's Tuesday, so that means No Politics. Hoo-ray. But for now, I've got nothing.

It's a girl. Congratulations to my sister and her husband on the birth of their baby girl this afternoon. Huzzah!

When I'm not ranting about politics, I'm searching for more freakish animals. We've had two-headed snakes, two-headed turtles, four-eared cats, three-legged dogs and cats, 41 pound cats, and three-headed frogs. Now, meet Popcorn, the (formerly) five-legged dog.

MoveOn has a new ad that compares Kerry's and Shrub's service records.

So the Repuplicans have pretty much given up on the line of attack over Kerry's service records. The new bullshit storyline being pushed by the Republicans is that Kerry lied about throwing medals over a fence 33 years ago. I really wish that the media would pay as much attention to what Shrub was doing 33 years ago (chasing tail, getting drunk, avoiding service) and parsing statements that Shrub has made just in the last couple of weeks. Damn that liberal media!!!
All Kerry needs to say is, "What did George Bush do with his medals?"

Note: ABC News is pushing the Kerry medals story as an "exclusive," and even uses the headline, "Did Kerry lie about Vietnam War medals?" When was the last time you heard the media use the word "lie" for Bush? Can't remember? Liberal media. Atrios and Josh Marshall have fingered the culprit for this smear attack, and it comes from someone with a history of abusing his position as producer to make attacks on Democrats.
UPDATE: ABC changed the web headline to "Why did Kerry change story about Vietnam medals?" Of course, this is hardly an improvement, b/c now they put it as fact that Kerry was not consistent, when in fact his story has been the same. And why are the media doing KKKarl Rove's bidding? Oh, that's right. They're whores.

See that poll over there? Participate in my little banana republic. Then if you haven't yet done so, register to vote.

Jay Maynard's Tron Costume. Somebody has a little bit too much time on his hands. If you don't like words, at least check out the pictures, and prepare to fall in love. (thanks to Joel for the link)

Random thoughts.
1. Why do so many people who oppose abortion on religious grounds also oppose the extension of welfare benefits to single parents on economic grounds? Maybe they've been reading, "The Gospel of Supply-Side Jesus."
2. I don't get why "Out of Time" with Denzel Washington go so many good reviews. I thought it was two hours of my life that I'll never get back.
3. We went out to a club in Rockville Friday night w/ a friend from U.Az. The 50-yr old getting down on the dancefloor made it worth our time. But, I don't think we'll be going back any time soon.
4. It felt good yesterday to be around so many other like-minded people. Largest crowd I've ever seen. Gives some reason to be optimistic about this November.

CONGRATULATIONS
Congrats to my legal counsel for passing the Virginia State Bar Exam!!! Nathalie can now defend me in four different jurisdictions--Maryland, Maryland federal court, D.C., and now, Virginia.

Sunday afternoon, went down to the Mall with some friends. That's me in the white t-shirt.

Why does Viceroy Jerry hate America so much? Here's what Bremer was saying about the Bushies back in February 2001:

The new administration seems to be paying no attention to the problem of terrorism. What they will do is stagger along until there's a major incident and then suddenly say, 'Oh, my God, shouldn't we be organized to deal with this?' That's too bad. They've been given a window of opportunity with very little terrorism now, and they're not taking advantage of it. Maybe the folks in the press ought to be pushing a little bit.

Sorry, Viceroy, both the press and your government let you down. Of course, we all know that Bremer is just a partisan hack out to make a buck, and so we can't believe a word that he says.

Stoopid. "Lawmaker: Show Thong, Go to Jail." Is this really the best thing that public officials in Louisiana have to work on? I guess they've secured their ports and taken care of any problems with their public health/education systems, and have everybody back to work?
Just another one of those "small government" Republicans. The GOP--keeping the government out of your life (except for the bedroom, the doctor's office, and your wardrobe).

Excuse the pun. Funny exchange on "Hardball" where Chris Matthews (a.k.a. "Tweety") is interviewing Andy Greeley, priest/sociologist/author/journalist:

MATTHEWS: I wish we would have a pre-passion movie about what [Jesus] came to teach us about.
GREELEY: It‘s pretty hard to make a movie about Jesus, because he is a tricky kind of guy, paradoxical, mysterious. He had to be to represent the father in heaven, but it‘s hard to nail him down.

Greeley is a witty guy with a good sense of humor, so it's hard to tell if he deliberately chose those words. Unfortunately, Tweety doesn't listen to his guests, so he didn't catch the pun whether it was intended or not.

Hee hee. Ha ha.

More photos of coffins returning from Iraq were released yesterday on the internet. From a NYT article on the subject:

The Pentagon's ban on making images of dead soldiers' homecomings at military bases public was briefly relaxed yesterday, as hundreds of photographs of flag-draped coffins at Dover Air Force Base were released on the Internet by a Web site dedicated to combating government secrecy.

The Web site, the Memory Hole (www.thememoryhole.org), had filed a Freedom of Information Act request last year, seeking any pictures of coffins arriving from Iraq at the Dover base in Delaware, the destination for most of the bodies. The Pentagon yesterday labeled the Air Force Air Mobility Command's decision to grant the request a mistake, but news organizations quickly used a selection of the 361 images taken by Defense Department photographers.
....
Among the national television news organizations, only the Fox News Channel had no plans to use any of the photos or explore the issue of why they had been barred from use in the news media, a channel spokesman said.

Quite frankly, I'm shocked at the absence of journalistic curiosity on the part of FAUX News.

Paul Krugman explores what went wrong in Iraq.

(thanks to Des for both)

Rhino Love. A group of visitors to a British safari park got an unexpected surprise:

LONDON (Reuters) - A rampant rhinoceros gave a group of visitors a glimpse of nature in the raw at a British safari park when he tried to have sex with their car. Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with Dave Alsop's car when he stopped with three friends to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie at the West Midland Safari Park. The 12-year-old rhino tried to mount the Renault Laguna from the side, denting the doors and ripping off the wing mirrors before Dave drove away with a puffing Sharka in pursuit. "He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday. "He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell." A spokeswoman for the park, which says "rhinos are not particularly intelligent animals" on its Web site, said Sharka was a hit with the female rhinos and had fathered two calves in the last five years. "He's got a bit of a reputation this lad and he was obviously at it again," she added.

$57 million. With that amount, John Kerry broke Shrub's record for one-quarter fund-raising. Altogether, he has raised a total of $85 million. Thanks to donations made through the link to the right, YLH readers accounted for 0.0003% of that total. Let's see if we can raise that up to 0.0004% by the end of the month.
Shrub has raised a record $185 million, but if you figure in money collected by pro-dem groups like MoveOn, then it actually evens out.
(As an aside, I wish elections weren't all about who's got the money, and I think that the networks should be required to give the candidates free airtime, and the elections should be fully funded through public funds. But I also wish that I could eat pumpkin cheesecake all day long, so we do what we can.)

Tired of all those AOL CDs in the mail? Then you should visit NoMoreAOLCDs.com. Their goal is to collect 1 million unwanted AOL cds which they will then return to AOL headquarters. (thanks to NJN for the link)

Survivor All-Stars is on tonight. I just wish this damn show would hurry up and end so that I wouldn't feel compelled to watch it anymore. I'm so sick of Boston Rob and his dopey "Hey, I'm in control heeuh, I control everyting" shtick. And how the hell does his facial hair only grow out in a goatee? Rupert obviously isn't going to rip off Jeff Probst's head anytime soon. What I want is a Survivor season with no reward challenges, no bins of rice, no Sprite product placements, but with a heavy dose of steroids and hallucinogens slipped into the water supply. Now that would be awesome.

Only two episodes left of "The O.C." In case you've missed this season, you didn't miss much. Only one shooting, two suicide attempts, a couple of fistfights, a Mrs.Robinson romance, one cheesy running through the airport sequence, a drunk-driving near-fatal crash, an episode of domestic abuse, and one very special holiday episode. If they can work in a pregnancy scare in the last two episodes, then I think they'll have nearly completed the full sweep of teenage drama storylines.

Super-Science. Males need not apply. Scientists have created a fatherless mouse named Kaguya using only female chromosomes. Think that's strange? Then you obviously haven't seen the mouse wearing a human ear.

If you care about the votes being correctly counted this November, then you should see this article in which the president of Diebold, the second largest supplier of voting machines, admits that their product is complete, total, absolute shit.

Earth Day 2004. Today is Earth Day. This year for Earth Day, I pledge not to kill any members of an endangered species. Unless they were asking for it. I pledge not to dump paint thinner in the grass behind any elementary schools. I pledge not to burn any more tires than is absolutely necessary. And lastly, I pledge not to hold George W. Bush solely responsible when the polar icecaps melt in 25 years, flooding the California coastline and all of New York City, putting us one step closer to global chaos and "a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery" as depicted in "Thundarr the Barbarian."

The scuttlebutt on Kerry's records is that they pulled a rope-a-dope on the Republicans. Kerry first announces on "Meet the Press" that he will release all his military records. His campaign then appears to hedge when a reporter asks to see them. Republicans then shout all over the radio and television that Kerry is a flip-flopper, and they demand that he release everything, implying that he might have something to hide. Kerry then puts everything out there, and it's all good, and the Republicans are left looking like a bunch of fools.

The Dover Effect. During Vietnam, images broadcast showing dead soldiers being returned to Dover Air Force Base had a powerful effect on public perception of how the war was going, and it also had the effect of weakening support for the war. Since 1991, and during the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the government has banned any photography of caskets returning to Dover. It's one thing to hear numbers of dead on the nightly news, but it's a whole other thing to see rows upon rows of flag-draped caskets. So when this image of caskets inside a cargo plane showed up in the Seattle Times, it was the first time a picture like that one had been seen during this war. Yesterday, the woman, a worker for the cargo company, who took the photo was fired.

Gmail is Google's new free email service that gives users a gigabyte of storage space (compared to the 6 megs that I have with my Yahoo account), so you never have to worry about cleaning out your folders. Plus, there is a search function whereby you can search all email messages for a text string. So if I wanted to find all my emails talking about Neil Bush and prostitutes, then I could easily do that.
As a user of this blogging service, I was able to sign up for an account before it's offered to the general public. I'm so special. Envy me.
How does Google provide this free service? Advertising. But the catch is that they scan your emails for content so that they can target what type of ads appeal to different users. This sets off some alarms for people concerned about that silly little thing called "privacy." Some may understandably worry about others snooping through personal emails. But seriously, nothing sent over the internet is entirely secure anyway, and it's not like the FBI/CIA/DSH/NSA/DOJ/PTA aren't already monitoring everything that I do. So what do I care?

Bad idea. The Kerry campaign should hammer away at weasels like Ed Gillespie who questioned Kerry's service. Kos highlights the goods. And here's a side-by-side that the DNC and every other democratic group needs to flood the media with. And then maybe the Bushies will STFU about other people's patriotism.

Quick comparison.
Cheney: "I had other priorities."
Shrub: AWOL in T.A.N.G.
John Kerry: "I request duty in Vietnam."

More in-depth comparison.

Smearing John Kerry. The rightwing has already begun trying to diminish John Kerry's service in Vietnam. Look for wingnuts to begin making jokes about Kerry getting his medals for taking some shrapnel in the ass. Okay, when you put that way, it's a little funny. But conservative pundits will be criticizing Kerry for not releasing files right when they want them and delivering personal copies to their offices. Though they may have some regrets once people start to hear what exactly Kerry's military records say. For example, The Smoking Gun has posted a couple documents. Among other things, the documents say that Kerry demonstrated "all of the traits desired of an officer in a combat environment," and his performance is "among the top few." Compare that to Shrub's dental records from his days in the Texas Air National Guard protecting the nation from a Honduran invasion.
Is this really a debate that they want to have?

Worst. Song. Ever. According to Blender magazine, THE authority on music as evidenced by the near-naked women always shown on the magazine cover, the worst song of all time is Starship's "We Built This City." Worse than "Ninja Rap"? I'm not so sure. Go ninja, go ninja, go.

Hasta la kielbasa, baby. Poland is considering withdrawing their 2400 troops from Iraq.

Which brings us to the draft. Sen.Chuck Hagel (R-NE) said yesterday that we may need to bring back the draft if things don't get better in Iraq, and given today's explosion, it doesn't look like things will get better any time soon. Even the Coalition Provision Authority says that things are fubar.

Maybe bringing back the draft would lower the level of bloodthirst exhibited by so many in this country. Maybe if the Bush twins were drafted, Shrub would have been a little more hesitant to invade Iraq. Maybe if more than one person in Congress had a son or daughter serving, they'd be a little more careful about granting Shrub the power to declare war. Maybe if the anchors at FAUX News were worried about their children being sent to the frontlines, they'd be a little less gung-ho about dropping bombs everywhere. Maybe the college-aged kids who showed up to counter-protest at the anti-war marches would be a little more thoughtful about what war involves.

So yeah, on certain levels, a draft could be a good thing. And right now the military is disproportionately made up of poor people and people of color. We have the poor and minorities fighting and dying for the interests of white corporate America. The draft would even this out somewhat, but as with Vietnam, there would certainly be ways to avoid service, and those ways would probably be more available to white kids. As a leftwingnut radical though, I generally disagree with the idea of compulsory service, and I always said that if there were a draft, and I was of age, I'd put a bullet through my foot. Chicken? You're damn skippy. But I'm not trying to start anything.

In summation, who the fuck knows what will happen, but none of this is really very surprising at all.

Speaking of not surprising, Operation Spawn didn't go as planned on "24" last night. Potatoface (Chloe) did manage to toss in a reference to Chase's baby, but why? I think she's up to no good. Just like Nina in the first season, Potatoface has her hands all over every operation, so she more than anyone would be equipped to collude with Evil Turtleneck.

Lies about the Bushies. It seems like these days, everybody is just telling all these CRAZY and WACKO lies about the Bushies. First, Paul O'Neill is the source for a book saying that Bushco was itching to invade Iraq from the start and ignored terrorism. Then Craig Unger comes out with House of Bush, House of Saud which chronicles the decades old relationship between Saudi royals and the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire) and how each has profited in shady ways from those ties, sometimes in ways contrary to national interests. Then Richard Clarke's book, Against All Enemies charges that Bushco was obsessed with Iraq and ignored terrorism. All a bunch of lies from crazy people, if you ask Bushco.
And now that Bob Woodward's Plan of Attack alleges both that there was a fever to attack Iraq and 9/11 was used as a launchpad, plus the Bush-Saud relationship was to be used to influence the election in Bush's favor (Woodward has slightly backed off this one, but come on now). And as could be expected, Bushco is denying the charges. Wolfowitz denies that $700 million was (illegally) diverted from Afghanistan to help prep for war in Iraq, and Rummy says that Woodward's claim that he shared war plans with the Saudis in January 2003 is inaccurate. For Rummy, that is just his M.O..
You have to feel sorry for Bushco with all these mean people saying such mean things about them. And these mean people must be collaborating since they're all saying essentially the same things.
And when Joe Wilson's book comes out and names names as to who leaked the identify of his wife, look for the Bushies and their co-conspirators in the press to attack Wilson's character rather than deal with the substance of his argument.

I'm a little slow this morning, so in the meantime, Daniel's Polish blog has a funny post about his gangsta days at Northside Junior High, ground zero for hardcore thugs.

I be the real employee of the month. All the Herbert Kornfeld fit to print.

The Manchurian Candidate has been remade with Denzel Washington. Here's the trailer. I dunno.

There you have it. No Politics Tuesday. And now, a monkey washing a cat.

Cotton-eyed Joe. I sold the Rednex album "Sex and Violins" on Half.com for $3.00 and shipped it off to the west coast today. The Rednex brought us that awful, awful song "Cotton-eyed Joe" (listen via the link) that was like some hideous mix of techno and bluegrass. I first heard this song when riding back with Zack from Ft.Lauderdale over spring break 1995. We'd driven all day long, making an ill-thought stop in Vero Beach to try and hang out on the sand for a while on the way home after I astutely proclaimed, "You know, there are beaches along the coast." Turned out that it's hard to find a beach in Vero Beach. So around 2:00a.m. somewhere in the middle of North Carolina, having listened to "The Chronic" all the times one could stand to in one day, we were scanning the radio for something to listen to, and we happened across "Cotton-eyed Joe." It freaked us out quite a bit, and we weren't sure exactly what was going on. Little did we know that weekend after demoralizing weekend that we found ourselves at the frats that the Rednex would soon be playing, sandwiched in between Madonna's "Like a Prayer" and Ini Kamoze's "Hotstepper."
Why did I buy the Rednex album? I don't know, I probably got it for free through BMG or Columbia House as a joke. Who knows why I did much of anything that I did during the spring of 1995. That certainly wasn't a high-water mark for good judgment. But getting that album was the least of the bad decisions.
"Best Western. They have the best food."

NO POLITICS TUESDAY!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

Spawn of Kiefer. Part of the reason that "24" has been so good the last few weeks is that Kim Bauer (a.k.a. Spawn of Kiefer) has largely been relegated to the background. Rather than have to pretend that she is an integral part of CTU, we can just imagine that it was "bring your daughter to work" day, and Kim decided to play dress-up. But now it looks like the writers have decided that it's time to bring Kim into the mix so that she can distract Kiefer from his task of saving the world. This will surely require Spawn to change clothes or take a shower. Maybe she'll decide that foiling the terrorists needs to take a backseat to finding Chase's baby (remember that plot twist that went nowhere?). Or maybe she will fall in love with Evil Turtleneck. She has a history of that sort of thing. Or maybe her Kung-Fu boyfriend from last season will show up, announcing that he has been working with the terrorists because he holds her responsible for his losing both legs.
And I'm going to be very disappointed if Michelle doesn't start showing symptoms soon from exposure to the virus.

Iraq has a President. Okay, so it's only the President of the National Olympic Committee of Iraq. Iraq is hoping to field a strong Olympic team that will excel in events such as Team Roadside Bombing, Synchronized Militant Uprising, and Badminton. See? It's that damned liberal media that filters out feel-good stories like this one. We have no idea who we'll be handing over power to on June 30th, but at least we've sorted out the issue of who will head the Iraqi Olympic Committee. Disaster averted.

Speaking of washed-up performers, Vince Neil, former lead singer for Motley Crue, has been sued by a former prostitute at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. She claims that Vince Neil roughed her up when she demanded payment before having sex with him. I really find all this hard to believe, that a former singer for a defunct hair metal band acted in an unsuitable manner. It's not like Vince Neil has a history of bad behavior evidencing poor decision making skillz. I mean, he's never been convicted of vehicular manslaughter or anything like that.
While this incident is probably quite embarrassing for Mr.Vince Neil, it can't possibly be as bad as his turn on "The Surreal Life" with Corey Feldman and MC Hammer.

Mr. Van Winkle's Opus. Via BlogSport. hahahahaha.

Hasta la vista, baby. Spain announces plans to withdraw its troops from Iraq. No surprise there.

"If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." I saw that bumpersticker while driving home one night last week. "60 Minutes" did a story last night on Bob Woodward's new book, "Plan of Attack," for which he interviewed Shrub and about 75 other military and administration officials. Here are some key segments from the transcript:

“And there's this low boil on Iraq until the day before Thanksgiving, Nov. 21, 2001. This is 72 days after 9/11. This is part of this secret history. President Bush, after a National Security Council meeting, takes Don Rumsfeld aside, collars him physically, and takes him into a little cubbyhole room and closes the door and says, ‘What have you got in terms of plans for Iraq? What is the status of the war plan? I want you to get on it. I want you to keep it secret.’"
Woodward says immediately after that, Rumsfeld told Gen. Tommy Franks to develop a war plan to invade Iraq and remove Saddam - and that Rumsfeld gave Franks a blank check.
"Rumsfeld and Franks work out a deal essentially where Franks can spend any money he needs. And so he starts building runways and pipelines and doing all the preparations in Kuwait, specifically to make war possible,” says Woodward.
“Gets to a point where in July, the end of July 2002, they need $700 million, a large amount of money for all these tasks. And the president approves it. But Congress doesn't know and it is done. They get the money from a supplemental appropriation for the Afghan War, which Congress has approved. …Some people are gonna look at a document called the Constitution which says that no money will be drawn from the Treasury unless appropriated by Congress. Congress was totally in the dark on this."
....
Two days before the president told Powell, Cheney and Rumsfeld had already briefed Prince Bandar, the Saudi ambassador.
”Saturday, Jan. 11, with the president's permission, Cheney and Rumsfeld call Bandar to Cheney's West Wing office, and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Myers, is there with a top-secret map of the war plan. And it says, ‘Top secret. No foreign.’ No foreign means no foreigners are supposed to see this,” says Woodward.
“They describe in detail the war plan for Bandar. And so Bandar, who's skeptical because he knows in the first Gulf War we didn't get Saddam out, so he says to Cheney and Rumsfeld, ‘So Saddam this time is gonna be out, period?’ And Cheney - who has said nothing - says the following: ‘Prince Bandar, once we start, Saddam is toast.’"
After Bandar left, according to Woodward, Cheney said, “I wanted him to know that this is for real. We're really doing it."
But this wasn’t enough for Prince Bandar, who Woodward says wanted confirmation from the president. “Then, two days later, Bandar is called to meet with the president and the president says, ‘Their message is my message,’” says Woodward.
Prince Bandar enjoys easy access to the Oval Office. His family and the Bush family are close. And Woodward told 60 Minutes that Bandar has promised the president that Saudi Arabia will lower oil prices in the months before the election - to ensure the U.S. economy is strong on election day.
Woodward says that Bandar understood that economic conditions were key before a presidential election: “They’re [oil prices] high. And they could go down very quickly. That's the Saudi pledge. Certainly over the summer, or as we get closer to the election, they could increase production several million barrels a day and the price would drop significantly.”
....
Having given the order, the president walked alone around the circle behind the White House. Months later, he told Woodward: “As I walked around the circle, I prayed that our troops be safe, be protected by the Almighty. Going into this period, I was praying for strength to do the Lord's will. I'm surely not going to justify war based upon God. Understand that. Nevertheless, in my case, I pray that I be as good a messenger of his will as possible. And then, of course, I pray for forgiveness."
Did Mr. Bush ask his father for any advice? “I asked the president about this. And President Bush said, ‘Well, no,’ and then he got defensive about it,” says Woodward. “Then he said something that really struck me. He said of his father, ‘He is the wrong father to appeal to for advice. The wrong father to go to, to appeal to in terms of strength.’ And then he said, ‘There's a higher Father that I appeal to.’"

Misled the nation into a war? Misappropriated funds? Sharing national secrets with the Saudis before the Secretary of State? International collusion on oil prices with the intention of influencing an election? A pResident who believes he's a Blues Brother, on a mission from God?
Reckless, incompetent, and dangerous. I really don't know what it would take for more people in this country to be outraged.

Ironic in that Alanis Morissette way. Headline on WashingtonPost.com, "McDonald's CEO Dies of Heart Attack." The guy was 60. Payback's a bitch.

There are laws against this type of thing. This too.

Now might not be the best time if you were planning on entering into the porn biz. Production has been stopped after two actors tested positive for HIV. Still, when it comes to risky industries, there are just as many, if not more, dead wrestlers.

Department of Incompetence. You'd think that in all of the post-war planning for Iraq (oh, wait, there was none because we were going to be greeted as liberators, and the reconstruction was going to pay for itself...oops) that someone would have said, "Hey, you know, once we're done securing the oilfields for Halliburton, we really should drop by Iraq's nuclear facilities in order to make sure that evildoers don't try and take radioactive materials for manufacturing a dirty bomb. Especially since Cheney has been all over the place saying that Iraq has reconstituted their nuclear weapons program, and even though Cheney is full of crap, we should at least do it for appearances if nothing else."
Nope.

The United States has virtually cut off information-sharing with the IAEA since invading Iraq in March 2003 on the premise that the country was hiding weapons of mass destruction.
No such weapons have been found, and arms control officials now worry the war and its chaotic aftermath may have increased chances that terrorists could get their hands on materials used for unconventional weapons or that civilians may be unknowingly exposed to radioactive materials.
According to ElBaradei's letter, satellite imagery shows "extensive removal of equipment and in some instances, removal of entire buildings," in Iraq.

Removal of entire buildings??? And this boondoggle in Iraq is supposed to make me feel safer how? (And what's up with ElBaradei's head? Someone hit him with a frying pan? Or is that an odd placement for a nicotine patch?)

Another sign of just how bad things are in Iraq right now---apparently, Bushco is asking for Syria's help to help stabilize Iraq. Syria? Really? But wait a minute, isn't that the same country that a year and two days ago we were telling to stay the hell away from Iraq before we decide to bomb them while we're at it?
Seriously. What a group of incompetents.

I'm still trying to figure out who Shrub was referring to when he said that "some" have argued that "brown-skinned people" can't be self-governing (something that he wholly disagrees with....Shrub sez, "Sure, brown-skinned, yeller-skinned, hell even them injuns can love freedom! And didja know that they've got blacks in Brazil?")

Rush is high again. He really must be in order to come up with this gem:

Hillary wants to be on the VP ticket so that she dispels the notion that the Clintons are sabotaging the campaign and so that she can also go out there and really be the star. She'd be the star because she'll be the one bringing excitement to it. And, by the way, she'll get all kinds of criticism and the Republicans will launch all they've got at her, and she'll endure that. They know that they're pretty confident Kerry is going to lose and if Kerry wins there's always Fort Marcy Park. So they're rolling the dice on this.

Fort Marcy Park is where Vince Foster's body was found, and the rightwingnuts have claimed for years that the Clintons had him killed to cover up some scandal. Surely, the moral majority in the Republican party will be calling for Rush to apologize for this type of outrageous and slanderous accusation. Right?

Captain Tibby Hook is what we've been calling Tibbs this week. His eye still hasn't completely cleared up yet, and so he is squinting half the time.
Squinting eye ---> eye patch ---> pirate ---> Captain Hook ---> Captain Tibby Hook.
And Coco has taken on the name of First Mate Butterbean.
Yes, owning a cat makes you behave in ways that might seem very, very strange to others.

Okay, so maybe Jim Caviezel really was struck by lightning while shooting "The Passion of the Mel." Why couldn't lightning have struck Matthew Perry or Bruce Willis during the filming of "The Whole Ten Yards"?

What would Jesus watch? Several summers ago, Cruel.com had as their Cruel Site of the Day a movie review of "South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut" by this whackjob religious website, Capalert. The review scored off the charts on the inintentional comedy scale (see the listings for the "Sex/Homosexuality" score).

It comes as no surprise that the purveyor of the website thinks that "The Passion of the Mel" is the greatest movie to come along in years, though perhaps not suitable for the youngest of the youngsters. In explaining the score the movie received for "Wanton Violence," the rewiew lists "kicking our near-dead Lord." My chuckle at reading that is another sure sign that if there is a Hell, I'll be there with The Donald. The reviewer notes, "It was not Jesus in the film. It was Jim Caviezel in the full-body moulage." Really? Not actually Jesus, huh? Could've fooled me, I could've sworn that Jesus was a white dude of european descent with long flowing hair. He also says that Jim Caviezel was struck by lighting during the filming? Huh? Surely I would've heard about this on "Access Hollywood" or "Extra." Maybe he's just being metaphorical. Like me saying that this guy is full of shit. I don't mean that his body actually is composed of shit, I just mean it as a figure of speech. Or maybe he does have shit running through his veins, I really don't know for sure, I suppose.

(For more movie reviews, see the Capalert index)

Sports isn't something that I talk about on here a lot. And probably for good reason because I'm already bored with this post. So let's move on to something else.....ummm......okay, i've really got nothing here. Here's the subservient chicken in case you missed in on Kristin's blog. Or you can read about Easter in Poland.

Did you ask for this? I certainly didn't ask for this. Do we really need a "reality" tv show about Britney Spears and her dancers on tour? About as much as we need another season of "Average Joe: Adam Returns." Maybe it'd be interesting if they showed her getting absolutely wasted, stumbling around, making out with the roadies. But even that would get old after ten minutes. Now, a Bobby Brown show, that's a concept I can get behind. He and Whitney are one messed up couple.
In other reality tv news, tonight is the finale of "The Apprentice." I'm holding out hope that in this live finale, the gates of Hell will open up, swallowing The Donald and all the contestants into the belly of the beast, damning them to an eternity of flying coach, living in a trailer, drinking tap water, shopping at Wal-Mart, and eating nothing but Taco Bell. But, more likely, it'll just be Bill winning. Yay, Bill! You won! What do you win? A job! Way to go. You're the man. Kudos.

As I explained once before, I usually don't have my meltdown from overexposure to politics until Friday, but with the 9/11 commission testimony and Shrub's little press conference, I've hit the wall a day early this week. And while there is plenty to be miffed about today (George Tenet only meeting with Shrub twice in August 2001 b/c Shrub was on vacation; Shrub changing decades of policy on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict for pure political reasons to the detriment of stability in the M.E.; Neil Bush and hookers), I'm not going to talk about politics.
So in the meantime, here are some more freakish animals for your enjoyment.

Template. I'm messing around with the page settings. Is it easier to read with a blue background and links in blue font rather than that strange peachy orange? Let me know what you think.

Remember the student at the U.of Wisconsin who faked her own abduction? She has now been charged with two counts of obstructing police officers.
Note to self: Cancel plans to fake kidnapping of self. Proceed with plans to build a rocket to the moon using evil biology and evil chemistry.

The plane! The plane! Funny picture of George Tenet. I don't know what he's talking about, but it must be exciting.

Tomorrow is tax day. If you haven't filed your taxes yet, then what the hell are you doing reading this? Get thee to the tax forms.
Shrub and Cheney's tax returns were released yesterday. If you need any more proof that it was the rich who benefited from the rounds of tax cuts, then this is it. The Shrubs paid $40K less in taxes this year than last. The Cheneys also benefited from the tax cuts. (Also note that Cheney received $178,437 in deferred compensation from everyone's favorite war profiteers, Halliburton.)
Did you get a $40K cut in your taxes? I sure didn't. I owed taxes. And I figured that my big fat tax payment covered all of about 1.5 seconds of the Iraq war. One...see? Right there. That part of the war comes courtesy of yours truly. Mine. All mine.
How much of a tax cut did the "brown-skinned" people get this year?
Huzzah!

Wal-Mart is selling a DVD player that can take a good movie and turn it into a boring movie. For $79, you can have a DVD player that will filter out sex, violence, drugs, and rock and roll. So if you're into violence but afraid of sex, then you can program it to filter out a boob but keep in gunplay. Just another sign that the puritans are still with us.
I've got a better idea---save the $79, and just DON'T FRICKIN BUY OR RENT DVDS THAT YOU THINK NEED TO BE FILTERED, YOU EFFING IDIOTS!!!
The DVD player doesn't have a filter for movies like "The Passion of the Christ." Because that's the type of wholesome, family-style ultra-violence that is for good, not evil.

"Brown-skinned people." Jeebus. There were so many things wrong and pathetic about last night's press conference, but it's the little things that are the most amazing. Here's the passage:

Some of the debate really center[sic] around the fact that people don't believe Iraq can be free; that if you're Muslim, or perhaps brown-skinned, you can't be self-governing and free. I strongly disagree with that.

I've heard the argument that Islam and democracy are incompatible. But I really can't think of any time recently that anyone of prominence was making the case that "brown-skinned" people are unable to be self-governing or free. So when we heard him say that last night, we just looked at each other to make sure we heard him right, and then all I could say for the next few minutes was, "Brown-skinned people? Brown-skinned people?"

Okay. I'm going to stop right here. I could go on and on and on about what a moron we have for pResident, but it's really not going to make me feel any better. And I know that I can't take four more years of this nonsense. But if his performance last night is any indication of how he'll fare when it comes time to debate John Kerry, then hopefully four more years won't even be an issue. (usual caveats about marshal law not being declared and electronic voting machines not being rigged)

Suiciders! So what did we learn from Shrub's press conference tonight? In short, Shrub may have at some point, somewhere along the line, possibly, maybe made a mistake, but he can't think of one; Shrub sez one year serving in Iraq for the reserves really isn't that long a time if you think about it; and he and Cheney are appearing together at the same time before the 9/11 commission because...um...uh...okay, he didn't really answer that one either.
Oh--and "brown-skinned people" love democracy too.

The transcript is up. What bugs me about these things is that they remove the hundreds of "uh"s and "um"s from Shrub's dialogue, and there's no way to transcribe the curious mix of smugness, arrogance, and absolute cluelessness.

Crisco John is up delivering his prepared statement. Maybe he'll start speaking in tongues. Links are below.

The Phoenix Memo. The Smoking Gun has a copy with redactions. Worth taking a look. In related matters of the Justice Department and 9/11, "Crisco John" Ashcroft will be testifying shortly. C-Span and The Post will be carrying live feeds.

[Blogmaster's note: I realize that this is the second consecutive non-No-Politics Tuesday. Extreme times call for extreme violence. I expect we should be able to return to regularly scheduled program next week. In the meantime, check out this mega-huge-large cat, both sad and funny.]

Okay, I've had it. This is the last straw, Shrubby. You've ruined our standing in the world, you've sent the military off in an unnecessary and ill-planned war, you've given away the surplus to the wealthy and coddled corporate interests to the detriment of the environment. But now it's personal. You've messed with my television watching schedule, you sonuvabitch. "24" won't be shown tonight. We'll have to wait until Sunday to see if Kiefer puts a bullet in Ryan Chappelle's snippy little head. [shaking fist] Damn you, Bush!

Evil Bunny. Nothing but drunks and cutters at yesterday's Easter Egg Roll.

Wait a minute! What's going to happen to "24" tonight? Surely they will delay starting it until the press circus is finished. They wouldn't just jump in willy-nilly halfway through. Not when it's gotten so good, and the cyanide capsules are being delivered to the virus-ridden hotel for mass suicide. They couldn't. They wouldn't. Everything will be okay.

Primetime Bush. Shrubby will be taking to the airwaves tonight for his third primetime press conference of his residency. A little over a year ago, Shrub held his second primetime press conference weeks before the war in Iraq started. You know---back when we were told that Iraq had stockpiles of WMD ready to be handed over to their trusty allies at al Qaida, the troops would be greeted as liberators, democracy would flourish oh-so-easily, and anyone who said otherwise was an un-American commie bastard who needed to eat some Freedom Fries. Here's a refresher on Shrub's distaste for press conferences and a comparison with other presidents on the number of conferences held.

If we had an independently thinking press that wasn't absolutely neutered by the Bushies, then we could expect some good questions for Shrub tonight---for starters, how can he say that a memo titled, "bin Ladin determined to attack inside U.S.," gave no indication that al Qaida wanted to attack inside the U.S.? Or how does he explain the incredible miscalculations in terms of the post-war occupation and pre-war intelligence on WMD? And maybe someone could ask if he's figured out yet who leaked the name of a CIA operative working clandestinely on issues related to WMD? That'd be a good start, I'd think. Instead, there will probably be only softballs like, "How is your faith helping you pull through these tough times for you? Do you know that so many people are praying for you?", "Was there anything you could have done to prevent the attacks?", "Do you have confidence in Condi?", and "Doesn't John Kerry look French?"

But the real victims in all of this are the poor kids on American Idol who are going to be pre-empted. Maybe they could have the A.I. judges give a post-conference assessment of Shrub's performance:

Randy Jackson: What up, dawg? How ya feelin? How ya feelin?

el-Shrubbo: Hey there slim, I'm doin good, I'm staying the course.

Randy Jackson: A'ight. That wasn't your best peformance, dude. You didn't directly answer a single question, dawg, you were just kinda all over the place, I didn't know what to make of it. It just wasn't there for me tonight, dude. I just wasn't feelin it. Paula?

Paula Abdul: George, I really like your outfit tonight, that tie you picked out is just really wonderful, I could feel your energy. You were a little pitchy in a few spots, and I agree with Randy that it wasn't your best performance. But you're the President, and you're just so cute!

el-Shrubbo: Thank-ya, Paula, this is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

Paula: Simon, what did you think?

el-Shrubbo: [puffing up his chest, jaw jutted] Yeah, Simon, bring it on.

Simon Cowell: [blank expression] I don't know what to say to that. Absolutely dreadful. [crowd boos, Tom DeLay holds up a "We Heart W" sign]. That was just horrendous, you made absolutely no sense whatsoever. William Hung could do a better job of explaining the continuing violence in Iraq. You're done in this competition.

el-Shrubbo: [smirking] Who cares what you think? I'm a war president! 9/11, 9/11, terror, not my fault, terror.

And then Rummy, Condi, Cheney, and KKKarl Rove would all come out and join Shrubby for a rendition of "California Dreamin."

Mr.Tibbs thanks you for your concern over his eye. It looks to be clearing up a bit, but it would probably do better if he would stop pawing at it. In addition to thinking that he is a gardener when he eats our plants, and a wrestler when he plays with Coco, he also thinks that he is an optometrist. We'll continue to apply the ointment tomorrow, and we'll reassess it then.

9/11 Commission Watch. John Ashcroft is set to testify tomorrow, in public, under oath. It certainly hasn't received the high level of publicity given to Condi's appearance, but it should be interesting to watch nonetheless, especially since there are some good questions that need answering---why did he deny funds for counter-terrorism, why did he never talk about al Qaida, why did he stop flying commercial airlines during the summer of 2001, and why was a group of Saudis allowed to fly out of the country while air space was still closed to everyone else?

Papa needs a new pair of shoes. A London man bet all his life savings ($135,300) on one spin of the roulette wheel and won. I bet $80 on a spin one time (and won), and that made me nervous enough that I can't imagine betting more. Okay, I can imagine betting more, it's the losing that deters me. Caribbean Stud is a fun game with really poor odds, though Nathalie turned $30 into $250 playing at Ballys. But watch out for the jumbo hotdogs after midnight, I learned that lesson the hard way. Bad news.

And finally, Bush sez, "And you might recall the hijacking that was referred to in the PDB. It was not a hijacking of an airplane to fly into a building, it was hijacking of airplanes in order to free somebody that was being held as a prisoner in the United States."
Oh, okay, well nevermind then.
And this is supposed to make it better how?
So if they knew that OBL wanted to hijack airplanes for one reason, then why would they think that Iraq would be behind hijackings for another reason? Those wacky Bushies.
The economy, Iraq, intelligence failures. When they're in a hole, they just keep digging.

More Wisdom and Leadership. Shrub sez, "I was satisfied that some of the matters were being looked into." And had al Qaida faxed us their itinerary and Mapquest maps of New York and Washington, Shrub sez, "I would have moved mountains" to stop the attacks. Mountains? Molehills would've been nice.

Leadership. Speaking about the August 6th PDB, Shrub sez, "There was not a time and place of an attack," he said. "It said Osama bin-Laden had designs on America. Well, I knew that."
So the obvious question then is, if you knew, why didn't you try and do something about it, you stupid fuck? And why the hell did you go on a month-long vacation, the longest ever of any sitting president? I'll grant the Bush-apologists their complaint that it isn't fair to say that 9/11 could have been prevented. I disagree, but whatever. But that still leaves the fact that the Bushies did nothing in response to the warnings. They could have at least tried just a little bit. And yes, Condi, they were warnings, and no, they weren't "historical."

Poor Mr.Tibbs has an eye infection. Greenish/grey viscous fluids oozing out, and it's a little swollen. We took him to the emergency vet since you generally don't want to mess around with eye problems. While it would probably be cute to see him running around with an eye patch, we don't want to let it get to that point. The vet's assistant took his temperature rectally, and you could tell from the look on his face that he felt violated. She then did another test and ended up giving us some topical antibiotic ointment to apply three times a day until it clears up. Poor little kitty cat. He has just been lying around all night, tuckered out and not feeling tip-top.

I can tell you after this that the waiting room at the emergency vet isn't the happiest place to be. One family came in to see their dying dog, and another woman brought in her son's dead cat. But the oddest duck was a woman whose dog, Oscar, had been listless all day and reluctant to move. When we got there, Oscar was already in the back being checked out, and she kept saying to her friend waiting with her, "Why are they taking so long with Oscar? What's wrong with Oscar?" Eventually, the vet came out to get the dog's history to see if this had happened before, and to tell the woman that they'd be running some tests on Oscar. As the vet was walking away, the lady says, "Doctor, I keep poison in my house." My head popped up to see the vet's facial reaction--equal parts, "Huh?" and "Things you could have told me twenty minutes ago." The lady explains that she has mice, so she has put rat poison around the house in places where little Oscar could probably get to. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Luckily, the bulldog with the explosive diarrhea didn't make a mess, and we were called in before we could find out whether or not little Oscar would survive.

Question from a reader, "If Kerry gets elected, what will you fill your blog with? Surely it will not turn into the 'all-mutated kittens and reptiles' page?"

Answer: Baking recipes, home-improvement ideas, and tips for understanding the importance of astrology in your life and how that can help you to reach full self-actualization.

I'm sure I would have no problem filling the void. I will harness all the energy expended on Bush-hating, and I promise to use it for good, not evil.

I sold a book on Half.com, Health, Illness, and the Social Body, a book that I picked up for free while at Shippensburg. Flipping through it before packaging it up, I read in a section on disabling attitudes and the sense of self, "In 1992, a government agency in the Netherlands ruled that a municipality must pay a person with a disability a monthly stipend to cover the services of a sex surrogate." I can only imagine the claims that the government workers must have seen in the wake of that ruling, "Sir, I must inform you that a lazy-eye doesn't qualify you as being disabled.....oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to me."

Everyone's favorite W&M alum, Jon Stewart, will be giving this year's commencement address. Like Clarence said, "all we got was a lying historian" at our graduation. And in this Daily Show clip, they manage to pack in AWOL, FAUX News, electronic voting fraud, and the economy all in one segment. Last night's show on the Condi testimony was supposed to be great, so catch the 7:00 replay tonight if you care.

Speaking of Condi, the reviews of her performance are not stellar. One in particular asks if Condi knows how to do her job. The magic 8-ball says "No." The Center for America Progress compiled a "Claim vs. Fact" sheet on her testimony.

24 hours a week, 7 months a year. A telling passage in an article about how effed up things are in Iraq these days:

This is Bush's 33rd visit to his ranch since becoming president. He has spent all or part of 233 days on his Texas ranch since taking office, according to a tally by CBS News. Adding his 78 visits to Camp David and his five visits to Kennebunkport, Maine, Bush has spent all or part of 500 days in office at one of his three retreats, or more than 40 percent of his presidency.

August 6th PDB. After Condi's testimony, we now know that the August 6th PDB rumored to contain warnings about al Qaida was titled, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States." But wait--didn't Condi say that all signs pointed to attacks outside the U.S.? That document, received by Shrub on (where else?) his ranch in 2001, will be declassified. I guess the Bushies realized that fighting it would be a losing battle.

Dio for America. Dammit, I've thrown the full force of my blog behind the wrong candidate. I should've been working to support Dio for America. Don't miss Ronnie on the issues or the Dio for America store.

Contraband kitties. When we were signing our lease for our apartment, we were told that there was a $25 monthly charge per pet on top of the $250 pet security deposit. Mr.Tibbs wasn't going to be using any of the facilities or having loud parties on the weekend, so I asked why they had the pet charge. "Because other apartment complexes do it" was their answer. I appreciated their honesty, but it did nothing to assuage my feelings that we we being ripped off.
So when we got Coco, we decided that we'd just conveniently forget to notify the morons in the leasing office that we have a second kitty.
In light of that, I found this particular segment on The Daily Show especially amusing. Rob Corddry is awesome.

Post-Condi lunch. As an impartial, objective observer, I'd have to give Condi's performance three thumbs down. She filibustered, avoided direct answers, and insisted that even though the 8/6/01 presidential daily briefing said that bin laden was determined to strike within the U.S., and there were active cells within the U.S., that somehow didn't constitute a warning.
Yes, she strung together coherent sentences, yes she pushed the administration story, and no, she didn't drool all over herself. And for that, that pesky librul media will probably portray her testimony as a victory for the Bushies and an audition for her presidential run in 2008. But that's just the way that it goes.

And with that, I'm going to eat my Chicken Tandoori with Spinach lunch bowl from Trader Joe's.

Condi. That's all the program listing says at C-Span's website. You can watch their live streaming video here. Just click Real Player or Windows Media over to the right, and let the good times roll.
The Washington Post should also have a live feed.

BC04 has a photo album on their campaign website titled "Compassion Photo Album." I can't quite put my finger on it, but there seems to be a prevailing theme throughout all the pictures. I looked hard, but I was unable to find the "Evil Megalomaniac Liar Album."

Testify. Condi at 9a.m. Thursday morning. I'll put up links to live feeds when the time comes.

So much good stuff today. You really can't make up this sort of shit. Ahhhnold is vacationing in Hawaii. Here are some of his more choice ideas:

"I want to make the Legislature a part-time Legislature," the governor said. "Spending so much time in Sacramento, without anything to do, then out of that comes strange bills. I like them when they're scrambling and they really have to work hard. Give them a short period of time. Then good work gets done, rather than hanging. That's when they start getting creative with things."
....
Joking, he said that in reading about the outsourcing of jobs to other countries, he wondered whether California could export its troubled prison system.
He laughed. "Hey, we don't have to have prisons in California. What about having them in Vietnam? What about having them in Mexico?"
Shriver jumped in: "No, no, no, no," and said to a reporter, "Don't write that down."

Mexico? Vietnam? Seriously, California, if you don't watch it, we're going to vote you off the island.

An S&M Easter. Continuing the downward spiral into an Onion-like universe, "Easter Bunny Whipped at Church Show":

A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children.
People who attended Saturday’s performance at Glassport’s memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, “There is no Easter bunny,” and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.
Melissa Salzmann, who took her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. “He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,” Salzmann said.
Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, said the performance wasn’t meant to be offensive. Bickerton portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone of irreverence.
“The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter Bunny, it is about Jesus Christ,” Bickerton said.
Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in Glassport, southeast of Pittsburgh.
“It was very disturbing,” Norelli-Burke said. “I could not believe what I saw. It wasn’t anything I was expecting.”

So remember kids, the 2004 White House Easter Egg Roll is for drunks and cutters.
When reached for comment, Mel Gibson said, "You didn't hear it from me, but the Easter Bunny is really a Jew."
(For further insight into the fundie mentality, "Hell House" is recommended viewing)

I should note that i really couldn't care less one way or another if a government official wants to run around in a wig and stockings. It certainly wouldn't be the least professional thing that anyone running for or holding a public office has done. And haven't we all snuck into a dressing room and tried on clothes of the opposite gender? No? Um...yeah, me neither. Hell, Shrubby could pull a Buffalo Bob tuck, and I wouldn't care if only he hadn't given away the surplus to the wealthy, fallen asleep at the wheel on terrorism, rolled back environmental regulations, and led us into an unnecessary quagmire. It puts the lotion on the skin, or it gets the hose.

What bothers me is when these Republicans project this whole paragon of morality, holier-than-thou mentality, and then they turn out to be hypocritical. Back when a little hanky-panky qualified as a national scandal, and the Republicans were calling for Clinton's head on a stick (poor choice of words), Newtie Gingrich was divorcing his wife who'd been suffering from cancer so that he could marry the woman he'd been having an affair with. And Henry Hyde was called out for having an affair of his own, which he chalked up to youthful (when he was in his 40s) indiscretion.
Then now you've got Tom DeLay questioning anyone else's patriotism who expresses one ounce of reservation over how the war is going, and he's one of the worst chickenhawks around. He avoided Vietnam because, as he explained it, all the good positions had been taken by minorities, and so there was no room left for patriotic folk like himself. So instead, he waged his own war on cockroaches, setting up an exterminator business. In DeLay's defense, cockroaches would likely survive a nuclear holocaust, so they're a formidable enemy. At least Dick Cheney admitted to having "other priorities" in the 60s. And Mr.Virtue Bill Bennett turned out to have a bit of a gambling habit. Not as sexy as having prostitutes show up at your door while you're doing business in Thailand (we thank you,Neil Bush), but hypocritical nonetheless.

It's a good thing we have that liberal media to uncover all these instances of Republican hypocrisy and broadcast them non-stop 24-7 in order to bring you the fair and balanced truth.

Priscilla, Queen of the Texas House of Representatives. I think that after the redistricting fight, the flight of the democrats to Oklahoma, and this story about a cross-dressing Republican candidate, you really have a great premise for a hit television series:

DALLAS (Reuters) - What started as a dull runoff race to field a Republican candidate for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives has heated up due to a controversy over cross-dressing.
The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported on Tuesday photographs of candidate Sam Walls dressed in women's clothes have circulated among political leaders in Johnson County, south of Fort Worth. Local Republican leaders confirmed separately that they had seen the photographs of Walls in a wig, dress and high heels.
Walls, who has the endorsement of several leading Republicans in the state and was expected to win the run-off, was not available for comment. He said in comments printed in the Star-Telegram that he will not drop out of the race due to a campaign of blackmail.
"Through intermediaries, my opponent told me to drop out of the campaign or the private information would be released," Walls told the paper. "Now my opponent is using the information in an attempt to intimate that I am a homosexual, which I am not."
Walls, 64, who describes himself as a fervent Baptist, told the paper his family had "dealt with" the issue of his cross-dressing and that he asked for forgiveness.
The opponent in question is Rob Orr and his campaign officials said they have not distributed the photos.
Jeff Judd, the county chairman of the Republican party, said it was too late for Walls to drop out of the April 13 runoff.
"It would have been much better judgment for him not to have run," he said.

Don't mess with Texas!

Last night, watching the news about yesterday's fighting in Iraq and wondering just how things got so fucked up (and how predictable all of these problems actually were), I said that the absolute worst thing that the military could do would be to attack a holy site. And then I watched American Idol (the horror!) and 24 (another mostly Kim-free episode!).
Reports are coming out of Iraq now that the Marines fired rockets at a mosque, killing as many as 40 people. That is not the way to make things any better.
And where is Shrubby? He's vacationing in Crawford (again) at his phony ranch. Maybe he just doesn't want to be around the shitstorm that's going to hit the capitol tomorrow when Condi testifies. Or maybe he's just lazy. Or maybe it takes a lot of energy being so evil all the time. Or maybe he just doesn't get it.

Yes, I forgot that it was supposed to be No-Politics Tuesday. I can't help myself, Duncan Hines and nobody else. My friend, Klint, however, did not forget. It probably ruined his day, his whole week. And just when his luck started to turn around. Klint has a knack for remembering things that I said back in the day when I was trying so hard to be an angry young man, things that I'd long forgotten. Now that I'm old and angry with reason, we'll be hanging out, drinking a 25-cent soda and eating a donut, and he'll say something that sounds vaguely familiar. I'll ask what the line was from, and he'll say, "Remember? You said that, right after we went street-bowling with pumpkins that one Halloween," or something along those lines. So it's no surprise that he remembered No-Politics Tuesday, and I didn't. I will work harder in the future to meet your expectations and bring you a more free and prosperous America.

Stupid commercials. But first, does anyone really watch "The Bachelor" anymore? Just curious.
So. Stupid commercials. Metamucil has one out these days, and the premise is that an Old-Faithful-type geyser isn't shooting off on its regular schedule. So, the friendly park ranger dumps a couple of spoonfuls of Metamucil down the geyser with a wink and a nod. Time-elapse swoosh, and then a shot of the geyser spraying its stuff way up in the air. The imagery this created in my mind as to the effects of Metamucil was quite unnecessary. Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

Fortune cookie says... I got two fortune cookies with my crispy eggplant lunch special today. Fortune cookie #1 reads, "There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you." Fine, good, I can dig that. But then fortune cookie #2 says, "A thrilling time is in your immediate future." So in a matter of minutes, I went from simply having the prospect for thrills to having actual thrills in my immediate future. Amazing.

Which legislator proposed a measure which would have raised the price of gas in 1986? If you said, "John Kerry because Bush said so," then you'd be wrong. But if you said, "Dick Cheney," give yourself two points. Introducing legislation that would impose a new import tax on gasoline, tricky Dick said, "Let us rid ourselves of the fiction that low oil prices are somehow good for the United States."
Hmm...let's think about this for a second...BC04 criticizes John Kerry for merely suggesting a 50 cent tax on gas back around 1990...but just a few years earlier Dick Cheney said that low prices are bad for the U.S.....well, of course John Kerry is a flip-flopper then! It makes perfect sense!

Clarifications and Updates:
Item! The Late Show/CNN/White House yawning-boy saga.....the story now is that it was someone from the CNN W.H. bureau who called up and said that the video of the squirmish boy at the Bush rally had been edited, not an actual WH staffer. But this begs the question of why someone at the CNN WH bureau felt it necessary to try and protect the Bushies. Why? Oh yeah, that's right, CNN are whores. (WP WH Briefing)

Item! Snippy Chimpy, "What's my name, fool?".....the story now is that the AP reporter who addressed Dubya as "Sir," had a cell-phone up to his ear at the time that he was asking the question, and this could have prompted Chimpy to snap, "Who are you talking to?" But, let's not let the facts get in the way of our little leftwing propaganda machine. That you could believe that Shrub would snap at someone for not addressing him as "Mr.President" just underscores what a prick the guy is (WP WH Briefing).

Item! Those rabid vampire bats in Brazil don't really have fake british accents. They are using fake german accents.

"You talkin to me?"--The Video Here is the video of Shrub getting pissy at not being addressed as "Mr.President." The video is in the second column, the second frame under "World News".
(4/6 UPDATE: The video is still on the page, second column, under the heading, "Power Transfer")

More on Blackwater. If you're intrigued by the private security firms (private armies) which have won millions in contracts to provide protection in Iraq at the same time that members of the reserves are having to pay for their own body armor, then read this Time article. And if that doesn't interest you, then you can always watch a monkey washing a cat.

Another sign of aging. On Saturday, we helped Nathalie's brother move from one part of town to another. He had been in the same apartment for about five years, and so he doesn't have the moving mojo that I do, and what could have been a quick move ended up taking seven hours. Since graduating from W&M, if you include the "house" that I was in at the time, I've had ten different mailing addresses over the last six years. From S.Henry, to Nathalie's townhouse for a summer, to my first apartment in Az (Casa Feliz), back to the 'Burg in a grad apartment in '99, back to AZ in another apartment, to PA in 2000 (the great summer of doing nothing but play "Rainbow 6"), to AZ in yet another apartment, to PA again in 2001 in a second apartment, to MD in 2002, and further in to the blast zone in '03.
Where was I...oh yeah...helping the brother-in-law move.....so having the moving mojo, I was loading and unloading from 11-6. End result was that I now have a strained calve muscle. Why do I have a strained muscle? Because I'm lazy and generally maintain a resting pulse of 60-65 b.p.m. as a matter of principle. So whenever I'm called upon to exert myself, I end up sore and/or injured. This would not have even been an issue as recently as two years ago. But my muscles have since atrophied, and my donut/Little Debbie intake has increased significantly.
Sorry. That's the best I can do this afternoon.

"You talkin' to me?" What a jackass. Dubya decided to take a few questions from the travel pool today. From the transcript, it looks like someone was up past his 10:00 bedtime last night:

THE PRESIDENT: Let me ask you a couple of questions. Who is the AP person?
Q I am.
THE PRESIDENT: You are?
Q Sir, in regard to --
THE PRESIDENT: Who are you talking to?
Q Mr. President, in regard to the June 30th deadline, is there a chance that that would be moved back?

Next, he'll demand that reporters call him Your Majesty. Just another day in the lives of a cowed and docile press corps. (and notice how he says, Let ME ask YOU a couple of questions...ha)

Count Chocula, they aren't. Rabid vampire bats have killed thirteen people in Brazil over the last three weeks. Aside from the painful and agonizing deaths, locals have complained that the vampire bats use fake british accents, dress like euro-trash, and aren't nearly as attractive as Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise.

Unleash the fooking fury! Kristin writes in her blog about her parents taking her brother to see Yngwie Malmsteen in DC last Friday night.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." The Orioles are in 1st Place! This will probably be the only day of the entire season that I will be able to say that, so let's say it again, the Orioles are in 1st place! Being an Orioles fan isn't as much fun as being a Yankees fan because the last time the O's were in the World Series was when they won it back in 1983. And it's not as painful as being a Red Sox fan for obvious reasons. My t-ball team was named the Orioles, and thanks to the logic I operated on at the time, I became an Orioles fan. And like many of the teams that the O's have fielded since, our team sucked. We really did have kids who were picking daisies in the outfield. Our record the first year was 2-13, and I think we won five games the next year. We were so bad that we didn't even care about losing, we were more exciting about getting sodas after the game. When we did win by beating the only two teams in the league worse than us, the coaches took us to Burger King for milkshakes. Take a bunch of hyperactive seven and eight-year old boys, juice them up with milkshakes, and the end result is restaurant windows sprayed with with chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla shakes. Good times.

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." The U.S. military is attempting to seal-off Fallujah in preparation for retaliation against the killing of the Blackwater security force members last week. And it just keeps getting worse.

"Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here...now...thank you. How are you?" It turns out that the American press office in Iraq is packed with GOP loyalists:

One-third of the U.S. civilian workers in the press office have GOP ties, running an enterprise that critics see as an outpost of Bush's re-election effort with Iraq a top concern. Senor and others inside the coalition say they follow strict guidelines that steer clear of politics.
One of the main goals of the Office of Strategic Communications -- known as stratcom -- is to ensure Americans see the positive side of the Bush administration's invasion, occupation and reconstruction of Iraq, where 600 U.S. soldiers have died and a deadly insurgency thrives.

"Oota goota, Solo?" Condi will be testifying in public and under oath on Thursday. Story has it that a photo faxed to the W.H. was part of an offer that she couldn't refuse.