The end of an era. Okay, that's overstating it a little maybe. Today is my last day of work here, and before I leave, I'm doing one more post. All the midget porn has been cleaned off the hard drive, my desk is cleaned out, and I recycled about 50 bottles/cans. So all that's left to do is to turn in my key and security card. And then take every piece of office furniture that I can fit in the car. Which isn't any. So that won't take long.

Before I go, I wanted to thank all of my friends, family, and anonymous people in the line at the grocery store for listening to me gripe incessantly about my job for the last year. Now you can look forward to listening to me gripe incessantly about grad school. But, it hasn't all been bad. For example, this blog was born out of the many hours that I spent sitting alone in my office with nothing else better to do than obsess over politics, crappy music, bad television, and freakish animals. I'll also miss having ready access to high speed internet. That's definitely going to cramp my style. And soon, I'll probably miss showing up a half hour late, zoning out for an hour or so, taking an extra long lunch, and then leaving early to head home and zone out for several more hours. Hopefully going back to school will help to reverse this yearlong process of my brain turning into mush.

I promise that I will keep the blog going. I can't guarantee the same frequency of posting, but I have some plans in the works to help offset the change in my schedule (plans involving highly trained monkeys). But if things should get a little slower over the next two weeks, don't despair. And don't blame me if that means that you aren't as easily distracted at work.

And if you got here via an internet search for Susan Sheybani, the Prozac Princess, just scroll down a little. And if you got here via an internet search for Joel Osteen, just know that that dude is a crackhead.

P.Diddy sez, "Hillary, you and me and a bottle of Cristal."

The Big Question: "What the fuck are you guys doing up there?"

He's a pinball wizard. Little Tommy Ridge has reportedly told colleagues that he is going to leave his position after the election in November (note to Tom: it might not matter anyway). Why is this fearmongerer going to leave his job? Why, because he needs to get out in the private sector and earn some money so that he can put his two kids through college! Silly rabbit! He only earns $175,000 a year!
So this is the Bush economy? Where earning $175K doesn't guarantee that you'll be able to afford to send your kids to college? Maybe he should take Susan Sheybani's advice, and just take a prozac and quit his bitching.

From the Department of You've Got to be Fucking Kidding:

July 29, 2004 | Tallahassee, FL -- Republican Gov. Jeb Bush has tried for months to persuade Florida voters touchscreen voting machines are reliable. His own party apparently hasn't gotten the message.

The state GOP paid for a flier critical of the new technology and sent it to some south Florida voters where a primary election is scheduled next month.

"The new electronic voting machines do not have a paper ballot to verify your vote in case of a recount," the message states. "Make sure your vote counts. Order your absentee ballot today."

Here is the flier:

Florida is set to be Florida all over again. Electronic touchscreen voting is the greatest threat to a valid election, and given the volatile nature of debate these days, there will be riots if the voting machines go haywire on election day. Of course, the problem is that since there is no papertrail, we might not even know if they were to go haywire.
But hopefully after the speech that Kerry gave last night, and all the troubles on the radar for Shrub, the election won't be as close as last time.

Speaking of last night, since I was watching on ABC (their audio was better than PBS), I didn't realize that there was a problem with the balloon drop. Apparently CNN had a microphone near one of the production managers for the DNC, and he was heard on the air cussing about the balloons not dropping on time. Drudge has a short audio clip, but I'm not going to link to his shitty little page. If anyone knows where an extended clip is though, you just let me know.

Don't forget to vote for who you think is the biggest meathead. Polls close on Monday morning at 9:30. And please, no betting.

Rush is high. Looks like Rush is still insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain.

Let them eat cake Prozac. (via Balta) "Why don't they get new jobs if they're unhappy -- or go on Prozac?" That's the message given by Susan Sheybani, an assistant to Bush campaign spokesman Terry Holt.

What do we know about Susan Sheybani? For starters, she was the 2001 Oregon Cherry Blossom Princess. That seems fitting that she's part of "royalty." Before working for Dick Armey (who has called for the removal of all Palestinians from the West Bank), she was also an intern at the American Enterprise Institute, a neoconservative thinktank. And it appears that not only does she think that people unhappy in their low-wage jobs are just lazy or need prescription drugs, she also argues that gender-based affirmative action in higher education is no longer necessary.

Funny thing. Remember that story from earlier in the month about a "July Surprise" which suggested that the U.S. had been pressuring Pakistan to capture high-level al Qaida targets during the last week of the month? Well...

LONDON (Reuters) - Pakistan has arrested a senior al Qaeda figure with a bounty of up to $25 million on his head, Interior Minister Makhdoom Faisal Saleh Hayat told CNN television Thursday.

He said the suspect had been captured during a raid in central Pakistan a few days ago. He did not identify the captive but said he was "a person who is most wanted internationally."

Jeez. What a coincidence.

Cash money. I've gotten about a dozen emails from the Kerry campaign over the last two days. They want some more cold hard cash, and today is the last day that you can donate. So if you've got a couple of spare dollars that you don't know what to do with, or you just enjoy using your William & Mary MBNA credit card, then clicky clicky and feed the campaign finance beast.

When they outlaw selling sex toys, only outlaws will sell sex toys:

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - A federal appeals court Wednesday upheld a 1998 Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys in the state, ruling the Constitution doesn't include a right to sexual privacy.

In a 2-1 decision overturning a lower court, a three-judge panel of the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (news - web sites) said the state has a right to police the sale of devices that can be sexually stimulating.

Two comments. 1. The assertion that the Constitution doesn't cover sexual privacy is ridiculous. I'm sure that when Thomas Jefferson was sleeping with his slaves, he'd have probably disagreed.
2. Who decides what qualifies as a device that can be sexually stimulating? Can a porn shop sell fresh produce? What about that bottle of log cabin syrup? I could go on, but I won't. Because this blog is respectable, tasteful and mature.

More Krispy Kreme troubles? The SEC is investigating Krispy Kreme's efforts to buy back franchises and its lowered earnings outlook. It would be a national tragedy if K.K. ever were to go out of business. I would never be able to find out how many K.K. donuts I could fit in my mouth at once. If anyone from K.K. is reading this, you just let me know if there's anything that I can do to help. I know I've cut back on my donut intake over the last month or two, but I promise, I'll eat more if that will make you all better. For you, Krispy Kreme, I'll do whatever it takes.

Here's what will happen. After/despite all the loud whining among the media whores that the Democratic convention isn't newsworthy, and that nothing happens, and that it's all boring and packaged, Kerry/Edwards will get a huge boost in the polls.
Then once the Republican convention rolls around, the media storyline will be that it's the most important Republican convention in years, that the future of the party is on the line, and the big question is, what will Bush/Cheney do to wrest back the lead, and oh how fucking exciting it all is!
Goddam whores. The lazy media are pissed off that rather than rely on 30-second bytes of the candidates, they have to deal with longer speeches and talk about policy that might actually require some work. So instead, they revert to pap such as "With john edwards so positive, who will lead the attack on Bush/Cheney?" (thanks to Peter Jennings for that lazy piece of analysis). The point is that they have ideas, and it's their ideas, not distortions of the others' record, or phony charges of flip-flopping, that will win the election for John Kerry and John Edwards, you fuckwit.

That being said, I'm going to now watch Snoop, Warren G, and Nate Dogg's supergroup 213 on Letterman.

In the spirit of equal time for equally silly pictures, here's one of John Kerry touring a space shuttle down in Florida. I don't have any fitting quotations, so feel free to leave comments of your own. But it does remind me of a scene from "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask" when the sperm are preparing to be sent out in search of an egg.

"I'm an excellent driver. Dad let's me drive slow on the driveway. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday."

And by the way, if anybody wants to play a little cribbage, you just let me know.

Life is good for CEOs. Unless I'm mistaken, hasn't the general concensus been that the economy wasn't doing so hot in 2003? Then why oh why did the CEOs of S&P 500 companies receive a whopping pay raise of 22 percent? Life is good if you're rich. It's a good thing that the federal minimum wage was finally increased from $5.15 because otherwise this would seem incredibly unfair to workers. What? It hasn't been raised since 1997? And it's value in constant dollars has declined over that same period?
Why, that's insane! Certainly our great leader, George W. Bush, must be doing something about this. What? Bush has blocked attempts to raise the minimum wage?
Well then surely we can't raise minimum wage because it would harm businesses. What? Employment grew by millions after the minimum wage was raised in 1997?
Well then it must be because only teenagers are the only ones making minimum wage, and even for adults, minimum wage is enough to live off of. No?
You get the point.
Curious what other CEOs earn? Check out the CEO paywatch database. For example, Halliburton CEO David Lesar made $7.75 million in 2002. I'm sure that he is earning every penny of it. It's a good thing that Halliburton hasn't done anything like losing $18.6 million dollars of government property in Iraq. That seems like the sort of thing that would keep you from getting more government contracts. Scratch that. Halliburton was just awarded another $500 million contract with the Navy.
*sigh* If the "handover of power" in Iraq weren't going so smoothly, this might be just the sort of thing to get pissed off about.

Teresa Heinz Kerry sez, "My right to speak my mind, to have a voice, to be what some have called “opinionated,” is a right I deeply and profoundly cherish. My only hope is that, one day soon, women—who have all earned the right to their opinions—instead of being labeled opinionated, will be called smart or well-informed, just as men are."

A while back a friend forwarded me an email that had been circulating alleging that Teresa Heinz Kerry had donated millions to fringe groups through a foundation, and she and John Kerry are a communist threat (or something equally ridiculous). He said that he was skeptical of the email and asked if I knew anything about it. I told him that this has been debunked entirely, and then I went on a long rant about double-standards which I won't recount here. But the general point was that it's ridiculous the way that some people still react to a woman who doesn't simply stand by her man, smiling and waving with nothing more than a glazed look from her eyes.

The other highlight from last night was Barack Obama's speech. The man hasn't even been elected to public office yet, and there is already talk about him one day running for president. That's how good he is. My old favorite cable channel, C-SPAN, has the video, and here is the transcript.

Or, as always, you can watch a monkey washing a cat.

Three days. That's how much time I have left to sit in an office all day long doing ab-so-lute-ly nothing. Now, when most people say that they did nothing at work, this is just a way of saying "nothing of note." But for me this past week, i mean it literally. Nothing, that is, but blogging. Blog blog blog blog. I have to clean out the file cabinets, remove any personal files from the computer (don't want anyone finding all that midget porn), and take the last of the 50 soda bottles that had accumulated to the recycle bin. But these tasks will take no more than 90 minutes, and I need something to do on Friday. And I've decided that there are not any office supplies worth pilfering. Then pens they have here are crap anyway.

Late Show had a comedy bit last night called "What Democrats Say/What Republicans Say." Very good. From the Wahoo Gazettte show summary:

Dems say: "The key to our victory will be winning crucial swing states."
Reps say: "The key to our victory will be rigging the vote in crucial swing states."

Dems say: "Honoring those with distinguished military records is a top priority."
Reps say: "Concealing the President's military record is a top priority."

Dems say: "States should decide the issue of gay marriage."
Reps say: "Marriage is only between a man and a woman, or two really hot chicks."

Dems say: "People of all races, creeds, and walks of like are working together to elect Kerry."
Reps say: "People from al sorts of different country clubs are working to re-elect Bush."

Dems say: "John Kerry was a war hero."
Reps say: "George W. Bush was a cheerleader." (see photo of Bush as a cheerleader)

Dems say: "Our vice presidential candidate exudes youth and vitality."
Reps say: "Our vice presidential candidate exudes a strange wheezing noise when he climbs stairs."

Ouch. That smarts. Funny because it's true.

Senator Oompah Loompah (D-MD). I had no idea that Sen.Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) was so tiny. She must only be 4'2" tall (that's only 7 inches shorter than Tom Cruise).

Anyone who says that the Democrats didn't take any shots at Shrub last night wasn't paying attention. While only mentioned by name once or twice, the speeches by Carter, Gore, and the Clintons were searing indictments of a dishonest administration that squandered an opportunity to bring the country and its allies together and instead has used tragedy to push an extremist agenda.

Jimmy Carter delivered probably the most stinging criticisms of Shrub, comparing Bushco to the Nixon administration, saying that they have misled the country, isolated us from the rest of the world, and inflamed anti-American sentiment. He also called out Bush's "I want to be the peace president" bullshit.

And Bubba Clinton's speech was just great, hopefully reminding people what it's like to have a president who can actually speak clearly.

A good start to the convention. After reading this article on the cable and broadcast network coverage, I'm glad that I watched on PBS.

If you missed any of the speeches, the transcripts are online.

Tonight's line-up is featuring Teresa Heinz Kerry, one of Kerry's daughters, a step-son, Howard Dean, and Barack Obama (Illinois candidate for U.S. Senator and rising star of the party).

But CBS is showing The Amazing Race at 10:00. Why do they torture me so?

NEW POLL!!! In an attempt to to put this horrid scandal behind us and move forward and start anew, I've put up a new poll. Let's see if we can do this one right. No need to try and make any points with this one or to give anyone a sympathy vote. So please, one vote per person. Of course, there's really nothing I can do to stop you from voting multiple times. But just know that if you do, Katherine Harris will be holding a spot in hell for you.

SCANDAL!!!
It has been brought to my attention that the voting for Least Favorite Member of Bushco was most likely tainted. A source who will remain unnamed tipped me off to the likelihood that the final tally was altered by multiple voting, throwing the vote in Ashcroft's favor, and stealing the title of Least Favorite from Dick Cheney, a man truly deserving of the title.

In the spirit of full-disclosure, I must tell you that I was made aware of the threat of fraud while the polls were still open. Upon hearing this, I made comments suggesting that I might cancel the poll, but I decided that such an action would be inappropriate. In my heart, I did not believe that the vote was being manipulated. But now, the facts suggest otherwise.

This most egregious case of vote tampering underscores the very real threat of election fraud posed in the upcoming presidential race by the use of electronic touchscreen voting. Most touchscreen voting machines leave no papertrail and are susceptible to hacking, so it is quite possible that someone could alter the tally and leave no trace. Without a papertrail, this election could make 2000 look like a smooth ride.

In light of this turn of events, we also salute Dick Cheney for his service to the country over the past three and a half years. Whether it is allowing Enron to write national energy policy, lying about matters of national security, creating a relationship between Iraq and al Qaida that did not exist, allowing Halliburton to receive no-bid contracts, telling senators to fornicate themselves, or being the one who is actually running the country, Dick Cheney has taken "crony capitalism" and secretive government to new heights. And for that, Dick Cheney, we salute you.

"Shove it." If you haven't heard it by now, you'll hear it soon. Teresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter from a conservative paper to "Shove it." Stupid? Yes. There is no need to give the GOP any more ammo to distract from the real issues. But it's not exactly at the same level as Dick Cheney telling a senator "Go fuck yourself." But that won't stop the RNC from jumping on this. And it's not like she called a reporter a "major league asshole" like Shrub did back in 2000.

Anyway. Salon's War Room blog breaks down the episode and explains the backstory for the exchange while debunking some stories about Heinz Kerry that are floating around in forwarded emails (click through the ads if you have to).

Because I live without cable, I'll be relying on public television for my coverage of the Democratic National Convention. Sadly, this means that I will have to rely on the internet to see clips of The Daily Show's coverage which I expect will be amazing. Thank goodness for public television because NBC has decided that "Fear Factor" is more important than a speech by Jimmy Carter (and no, I'm not going to debate you on this one).

Tonight when Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Clinton are speaking, NBC will be showing "Fear Factor" and "For Love or Money"; CBS will air "Everybody Loves Raymond," "Two and a Half Men," and "CSI: Miami"; ABC brings us "My Wife and Kids," "George Lopez," "According to Jim," and "Hope & Faith." It won't be until 10:00 that any of the networks will carry any coverage. (If you have cable, I'm sure that Faux News will be providing it's own very special fair and balanced analysis)

I guess ads for Levitra wouldn't sell as well during the convention broadcast as it would during "CSI."

Williamsburg Wedding Report. Had an excellent time in the 'burg as another Friend of Gary entered into marriage. Like Kristin, I had never been inside the Wren Chapel before, but it's a great place for two people to get hitched. After the ceremony, we headed over to the alumni house for more excellence. This was the first gathering of all the original F.O.G. since college graduation, and it seemed a little hard to believe that it has been ten years since we were all walking onto campus for our first year.

Kristin reminded me of how she and I met on a scavenger hunt during freshman orientation. I was downright miserable because, well, it was college, and they had us going on scavenger hunts and playing duck-duck-goose. (Where were the huge parties I had been told of? Where was the freedom? Where was the fatted calf?) She also recalled that I was wearing a cap (corduroy driver's cap, backwards), and I was carrying around a Henry Rollins book. Quit laughing. It was 1994, I had a goatee, and I thought I was being edgy. I know. How embarrassing.

The reception was also excellent with excellent food and excellent music (definitely the most gangsta rap at any wedding I've ever been to), and the merriment continued afterward at Paul's Deli. That is, until Kristin became violently drunk and started throwing cups of beer everywhere, yelling, "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am???" before running out on her tab.
Okay, that didn't quite happen. But the point is that we all had an excellent time, it was excellent to see so many good friends, and Des and Bryan were excellent hosts and we all wish them an excellent life together.

And the winner is... JOHN ASHCROFT! Congratulations! You've just been named the YLH Least Favorite Member of Bushco. We recognize you for all that you've done over the last three years to stem the tide of pornographic materials, for prosecuting the terminally ill for their use of medical marijuana, to protect the nation from the danger posed by the exposed breast of a statue, and for misleading the 9/11 commission about your activities in the summer of 2001. But most of all, your alleged fear and loathing of calico cats are what separated you from the rest of the incompetent and corrupt members of Bushco.
We salute you, Crisco John Ashcroft!

Next Week: Democratic National Convention; stories from Des' Williamsburg wedding; Bush AWOL revisited; 9/11 report fallout; and more unintelligible ranting

Check this out. My legal counsel has informed me that if you make a typo when typing in the blog web address, you are taken to a completely different kind of website.
The address for my blog is http://yourlogohere.blogspot.com

But if you make a typo and enter instead http://yourlogohere.blgospot.com, then it's a whole other story.

This actually happens with anything that is entered before ".blgospot.com", so you could type in
ricksantorumlovestofucksheep.blgospot.com, and you'd be transported to the same site.

Que interesante.

Garfield? Obscene? According to a Florida woman, he is:

MIAMI -- A South Florida woman says a toy included in Wendy's kids' meals is obscene.

When Tiffany Glad took her three-and-a-half year old niece to Wendy's, the little girl was fascinated with the wind-up toy that told the story of the new Garfield movie.

But Glad says the next day, the cute toy turned crude. It seems one scene shows Garfield pointing upward and Glad says it looks like Garfield is sticking up his middle finger.

"My niece came to me and said Garfield was being bad and I asked her to explain to me. And she's articulate, she knows what's she's talking about, and she showed me the picture and I looked at it and I was outraged," says Glad.

Things got worse when Glad's niece began imitating the picture.

"Now she's going around showing everybody how Garfield's bad. And basically we have a 3-year-old running around giving the middle finger. He has five fingers, it's as clear as day what he's doing," Glad says.

Of course, this woman is batshit crazy because like everyone on The Simpsons, Garfield only has four fingers.

Thus it would be impossible for him to give someone the bird (unless one of his fingers was amputated).

But she's right that young children will flip off anybody and everybody. When my younger brother was about four years old, my older brother taught him the art of giving people the middle finger. So the kid flipped off people everywhere. At home, at the store, at church even. Needless to say, my parents weren't too happy with this development, and little brother was told that it wasn't appropriate behavior.

Got something to say? Then say it here.
(a.k.a. "i'm too lazy to post anything right now")

Vote, fool. The current poll on the left will end at 9:30 Monday morning. So if you haven't voted yet, be sure to participate in my little banana republic. And if you've voted more than once, stop it. You know who you are.

Things I learned while standing in the express line at the grocery store waiting to buy my lunch (fruit salad, muffin, soda):
1. Cameron denies that Justin cheated.
2. Explosive new info on Britney/Kevin pre-nup.
3. Two 9 volt Energizer batteries cost $5.99; ChapStick, $1.59.
4. Jennifer Aniston had plastic surgery.
5. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner romance?
6. Mary Kate left rehab, expert says too soon.

BUSH OPPOSES MIDDLE CLASS TAX CUTS!!! From the WaPo:

President Bush yesterday scuttled a Republican agreement to extend three expiring middle-class tax cuts for two years....
On Tuesday night, congressional GOP leaders agreed to a modest, two-year extension of an expanded, 10 percent income tax bracket, a tax break for married couples and a $1,000-per-child tax credit. Congress passed those tax cuts last year, and they will expire at the end of 2004 unless Congress acts....
Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card Jr. put in a round of angry phone calls Tuesday night, several Senate aides said. Then White House counselor Karl Rove and Bush himself called GOP tax writers yesterday urging them to kill the deal.

Why does George Bush hate the middle class?
George Bush has never met a tax cut he didn't like. So what gives? Is Hell really freezing over? Of course not. Wonder what those "...." are standing for? Here's what I left out:

President Bush yesterday scuttled a Republican agreement to extend three expiring middle-class tax cuts for two years, deciding instead to push for a more costly five-year extension when Congress returns in September.
On Tuesday night, congressional GOP leaders agreed to a modest, two-year extension of an expanded, 10 percent income tax bracket, a tax break for married couples and a $1,000-per-child tax credit. Congress passed those tax cuts last year, and they will expire at the end of 2004 unless Congress acts.
But White House officials urged Republicans to hold out for a longer extension more in line with the president's call to make the tax cuts permanent. Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card Jr. put in a round of angry phone calls Tuesday night, several Senate aides said. Then White House counselor Karl Rove and Bush himself called GOP tax writers yesterday urging them to kill the deal.

See how fun and easy that was? Just like the GOP! Does John Kerry really oppose funding the troops, as BC04 have alleged? No. He voted for a plan that would have paid for the war by eliminating some of the tax cuts for the rich. But you're not told that part of the story.
This must mean that Bush told Republicans to vote against the tax cuts before they are going to vote for them? Sounds like a flip-flop to me!
So does George Bush really hate the middle class? "Hate?" As much as I loathe Shrub, No, probably not. "Screwing over the middle class through his irresponsible and dishonest policies?" Yeah boy.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush.

Here we see Shrub receiving the 9/11 report from Thomas Kean.

Just another "uneducated, self-righteous, bleeding heart liberal Hollywood moron who thinks their opinion counts more than anyone elses does."
"Vote or die" is the message behind P.Diddy's voter drive. And if you don't vote, P.Diddy will crack you over the head with a bottle of Cristal.

(note: i was being sarcastic...i think it's nice that puffy is trying to use his position to do something positive...and here is a p.diddy top ten from last night's letterman show)

Way over quota. I've exceeded the usual monthly limit for freaks of nature. But here are some more cats of Mikesch-like proportions. Be sure to scroll through the page as there are several really big kitties (and a bonus Mikesch picture).

I'm out. I'll leave you with this:

Lackluster day o' blogging. There isn't much fresh in the news to get all worked up about. And some days I just don't have the energy to work myself into a tizzy. So to mark six months of blogging, here's a post from the archives:

And the Sheen dynasty continues. Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen had their baby last week. The baby was immediately arrested and entered into a drug rehab program. Charlie said of the birth, "It's pretty interesting, Sam was born on 3/9 and I was born on 9/3. She was born at 10:57 p.m. and I was born at 10:58. We've definitely got a connection." Yeah, not to mention that she's your frickin daughter! He added, "And also, Sam and I have both spent a lot of time inside Denise, so we've got that going for us."

O'Lielly. Al Franken just mentioned this website, "Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly."

He's no Mikesch. Meet Mr.Peebles, the world's smallest cat.

Nectar of the Gods. From the brilliant minds at Krispy Kreme.

“I’m a war president.” "I want to be the peace president."

I'm about ready to put my foot through the computer screen, so I'm not going to comment on the rest of the quotations in the article.

Oh, and wouldn't this qualify as a flip-flop?

Saltines and a condom. During my last two years of college, I lived in a total dump of a house that had no air conditioning, but more importantly, no heating other than a propane space heater. For a two-story house with poor insulation. But since four of us were living there, the rent was only $200 a piece. So you tend to overlook things like squirrels sharing the living space with you and a bathtub that appeared ready to fall through the floor at any moment.
Through some sort of miracle or power of the kevorka, my roommates were able to convince women to enter this house and stay for more than five minutes (having dated my legal counsel while at a prior address, our relationship was grandfathered into the house). One roommate in particular had several women over to the house over the two years that we lived there. We'll call this roommate "Scott." I won't go into all the details of Scott's various forays into romance (jumping out of a moving car and chasing a woman down the street in historic Williamsburg), but suffice to say, it provided for many good stories.
"Scott" had been on a couple of dates with this particular woman, and he brought her home one night. After making the obligatory chit-chat with whoever was there, they headed upstairs to his room. Oh--I should mention that in place of an actual bed, he had a sleeper sofa. How you navigate that one early on in the relationship, I don't know.
After a little while, Scott's date exits his room and goes into the bathroom. Apparently, she was sick to her stomach, probably putting a damper on any romancing that might have been going on. Trying to be helpful, Scott knocks on one of the other roommates' door, we'll call that roommate "Schoolboy." Scott asks Schoolboy if he has any saltines to help ease his date's stomach. How thoughtful! Then Scott also asks Schoolboy if he has any condoms.
So while his date is in the bathroom having dry heaves, he's hunting down crackers and a Trojan.
I don't think that either ended up being necessary as his date went home early. And Scott probably woke us all up at 8a.m. the next morning singing "Fast Car" in the shower, with a brand new day ahead of him and another lucky lady just waiting to be found.

It's Tuesday? Oh well, a little late for no politics. So we'll just file this one under "current events." More Halliburton shenanigans being investigated. This time it's for doing business with a member of the "axis of evil":

WASHINGTON (AFP) - The embattled US oil services company Halliburton that until four years ago was headed by Vice President Richard Cheney is under grand jury investigation for suspected illegal dealings with Iran through a Cayman Islands subsidiary, the firm disclosed.
The company denied any US laws have been broken. But the disclosure, made in a filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission (news - web sites) on Monday, came as the Houston, Texas-based corporation faces multiple domestic and international probes into its operations extending from Iraq (news - web sites) to Nigeria
....
The Pentagon (news - web sites) and the Justice Department are looking into allegations that Kellogg Brown and Root, a Halliburton subsidiary that has secured an exclusive oil supply contract in Iraq, may have overcharged the US government by 61 million dollars.
....
Another damaging imbroglio involves allegedly overpriced meals served by Halliburton to US troops in Iraq and Kuwait, which prompted the army to withhold payments on some of the company's invoices.
Meanwhile, French authorities are investigating if the company paid bribes to secure a Nigerian natural gas project.

No commentary. Just passing this one along. But it does make sense that Halliburton would do bidness with Iran since they also did bidness with Saddam. But, like I said, no commentary here.

"The Arabian Candidate." Good column by Krugman.

Warning: Rant Ahead.  We are not safer today than three years ago. Removing Saddam has not made us or the world safer. Yes, he's an evil bastard, nobody disagrees there. But he did not pose a threat to the U.S., and despite the fantastical assertions of Dick Cheney, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. "Everybody" did not believe that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. I didn't, and neither did millions of people worldwide. And we were not told that we were going to war to spread democracy.

So does that mean that if I were in charge that Saddam would still be in power? Yes. It does. Does that mean that innocent Iraqi civilians would still be dying under Saddam's regime? Yes. It does. But you know what? There are innocents suffering everywhere. Just look at what's happening in Darfur. And how many Iraqi civilians have died during the war and occupation? We don't know because the government doesn't see fit to keep track. And if money and the economy are what matter to people in this election, then they need to look at the cost of this misadventure and remember that we were told that the reconstruction of Iraq would pay for itself. Giddy about a $500 tax break? This war is costing everyone far more than that.

But, what the hell do I know? I just work here.

ON EDIT: Let me correct myself. If I were in charge, Saddam would *not* still be in power. I would have removed him from office with my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

"So why'd you quit? To take that job infiltrating left-wing blogs Rumsfeld offered to you?

Ha-ha, loyal reader. I wish that were the case. But no. I'll be returning to grad school next month to try and get that elusive PhD in sociology. Twenty years of schooling just aren't enough. While I have enjoyed the opportunities that my current job have provided me (primarily, the ability to blog all day long, averaging only a couple hours of real work a day), going back to school is the right thing to do for the long-term. It'll take a few years, but it will be worth it. Anyway, how can you beat spring and winter break?
And the best part about becoming a student again? Once a week shaving.

Of course, grad school will be quite different this second time. There will be no Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night drinking, and I will turn down any nominations to be Happy Hour Coordinator. There will be no high stakes betting on my bathing habits. All-nighters will be avoided like the plague. I will actually do my work (quit snickering). I'm an old man. And I'm pretty sure that you don't get a third chance at doing this.

What does this all mean for the blog?
1. I won't be strapped in front of a computer all day long with nothing else to do. So you can probably expect the frequency of posts to decrease somewhat. Posting daily shouldn't be a problem, but posting seven times a day might be.
2. The content of the blog might shift somewhat. A little more sociology nonsense maybe. And since I won't be alone in an office all day, I might have more stories to relate. But there will still be a mildly unhealthy focus on politics and, of course, plenty of freaks of nature to go around.
3. Ummm....no, that's about it, I think.

AHHHHHHnold. It's been a while since we talked about Ahnold. But it seems appropriate since I just mentioned "lowering the bar." It seemed like Dick Cheney hit a new low when he had words with Pat Leahy. But Ahhhnold seems to have gone a step further in referring to other lawmakers as "girlie men." And the thing is, "girlie men" is from a SNL spoof of Ahnold's types. Ahnold never used the term himself. Until now. Are you proud, Kullyforneeyuh? Happy with yourselves? Seriously. If you don't watch it, we're gonna go crazy on ya. I heard some fourth-graders were looking for some yellowcake. And Procfreak has something to say on the matter.
(story link courtesy of my legal counsel)

I don't have much time. I just handed in my resignation letter, and I only have a couple of minutes because security is on its way to escort me from the premises. Okay, I'm kidding. My boss was fine with it and wished me well, and I feel much, much better now that it's done. So my advice to any would-be job quitters...do it ASAP. Don't wait because your boss might not be around when you want to do it.
And like I said, I'll have more to say in the near future about what implications this will have for my daily blogging. And in the meantime, I will work diligently to lower the bar for political discourse and strive to bring you more three-headed frogs and big kitties.

Thing I learned while standing in the express line at the grocery store waiting to buy my lunch (banana, bagel, soda):
1. Justin and Cameron on the rocks?
2. Nick and Jessica...adopting?
3. Britney is afraid to ask Kevin for a pre-nup.
4. Four size "D" Energizer batteries cost $5.79, or you can buy two generic for $2.79.
5. A regular namebrand toothbrush costs four dollars, but one with a white fairy and a motor costs $15.
6. Julia Roberts has hairy armpits.

Call me Cletus. My legal counsel and I went out to dinner Friday night at a restaurant called "Bugaboo Creek." The restaurant is decorated to give it a log-cabin (not log-cabin republican) look and feel. There are pictures of the backwoods on the walls, snowshoes hanging, lanterns, and the icing on the cake are the faux mounted animal heads on the wall that jibber-jabber things like, "Hey, pal, welcome to Bugaboo Creek." Okay, I don't know what they actually say, but you get the point.
In trying to recreate that "Deliverance" ambience, we (my legal counsel, not me) noted that they even went one step further. Our server told us that her name was "Dottie." And then my counsel pointed out that there were two servers with "Anne" after their first name. Then she noticed a server with "Festus" on his nametag. So at the end of our meal, I asked the server if her name was really "Dottie." No, she said, her name is actually "Rooby," but they have to wear fake nametags.
Why couldn't we have had fake tags at the Ground Round? Not that it would've mattered since I didn't get one until after I had been working there for two months. But if I had, and I could choose a name for myself, I'd have been Cletus. Or Jimbo. Or even better, Clete-bo, or Jimbus.

"War Pigs." The Prince of Fucking Darkness weighs in on Bush:

MANSFIELD -- Ozzy Osbourne's traveling metal circus -- better known as Ozzfest -- came ringing into town yesterday with 20 bands, 20 trucks, 40 buses, 525 crew members, and nearly 14 hours of music. It started early, ended late, and touched every style of metal from old-school Black Sabbath and Judas Priest to the speed-core, noise-core, and whatever-core played by young bucks looking to make a name for themselves on a second stage where decibels and testosterone were pushed to the max.
....
And Osbourne, who looked much better than he did last time, startled some fans with video to his opener, "War Pigs," which juxtaposed photos of George Bush and Adolph Hitler, with an unprintable caption about how they resemble each other.

Here's the first verse to "War Pigs":

Generals gathered in their masses
just like witches at black masses
evil minds that plot destruction
sorcerers of death's construction
in the fields the bodies burning
as the war machine keeps turning
death and hatred to mankind
poisoning their brainwashed minds
Oh lord yeah!

This, of course, has the freepers all throwing a fit. And just for kicks, here are the "Top 12 telling parallels between Ozzy Osbourne and George W. Bush."

Slow day on the blog. Here's why. I was planning on giving my two weeks' notice at work today. I was going to say that was actually the major announcement (though most people who know me were generally aware of my plans). But, I wasn't able to give notice because my boss is NEVER HERE! NEVER, EVER HERE! And so I sat in my office all day long, going over in my mind what I was going to say, and how to respond to any questions, and how many office supplies will fit in my bag. And I kept looking down the hall to see if she was back in her office, waiting for her return. And I knocked on her door. And I called. And I called again. And nothing.
So, it's going to have to wait until Monday. But I'm not stressed anymore because I just want to get it over with.

I'll be talking in the coming weeks about the implications that all this will have for the blog. But never fear, good friend, this blog ain't goin nowhere.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. When Iraqi P.M. Allawi said he was going to "annihilate the terrorist groups," I didn't think he meant that he personally would be the one doing so.

And now, a major announcement from Your Logo Here:

Ricardo Montalban es mas macho!


What, you were expecting something else? P'shaw.

Major announcement at 12 p.m.! I'm going to be busy Friday morning, so the on-demand blogging will have to wait. Yes, I know, even I have to do work sometimes. But let me just say that I will have a big mclargehuge announcement at 12p.m. EST.

The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.
The American people are safer.

The Daily Show asks, how?.

Bill O'Reilly is a liar. But you already knew that.

Meow at the devil. Is this the face of evil? Is our little Coco Butterbean one of Lucifer's minions? Crisco John thinks so:

Shortly after becoming Attorney General, John Ashcroft was headed abroad. An advance team showed up at the American embassy in the Hague to check out the digs, saw cats in residence, and got nervous. They were worried there might be a calico cat. No, they were told, no calicos. Visible relief. Their boss, they explained, believes calico cats are signs of the devil. (The advance team also spied a statue of a naked woman in the courtyard and discussed the possibility of its being covered for the visit, though that request was not ultimately made.)

I thought it was a little odd when Coco's head rotated 360 degrees. Maybe that would explain all the projectile vomiting going on in our apartment. Does our also owning a black cat mean that we have two agents of Mephistopheles in our midst? Evildoers! Kitty evildoers!!!
The cat community is on to Asscrack's games, with many calicos believing that the Attorney General is himself a sign of the devil. No wonder he looks so afraid:

(Snopes weighs in on the issue of Aschroft and evil cats)
(***all credit for this post goes to the Your Logo Here Legal Counsel)

More reasons to vote for Kerry. According to this non-scientific survey of fratboys at Penn, "Penn brothers want Bush in frat, not the White House":

"I think I would rather have Kerry hold my feet during a keg stand because, let's face it, you need... someone responsible to do something like that," Penn junior Patrick Carroll said.

"You wouldn't want to fall and chip your teeth on the keg or something, and I could just picture 'college-era' Bush seeing a hot girl across the room and dropping everything he was doing to go talk to her," the Kappa Alpha brother said.

"That's not the only reason I'm voting for Kerry, but it sure doesn't hurt," he added.
....
Alex Brodsky himself, despite a demonstrated commitment to the Republican Party through his work for a Republican state senator in Pittsburgh, does not intend to vote for Bush -- even though Bush is the only candidate to whom he'd offer a bid to join Pi Kappa Alpha.

"Nader wouldn't have a chance," Brodsky explained. "Kerry is cool because he has morals, something G.W. and Nader do not, but George Bush is the only one that I can see playing Beirut [aka Beer Pong] while shot-gunning a Natty Ice. So I guess I'd have to pick Bush."

Natty Ice.....some things never change.
(link courtesy of HVH)

Don't mean to bring you down, but you should really read this. Sey Hersh suggests that the worst is still out there on the torture at Abu Ghraib, and the government has the tapes (keywords: children, rape, screaming). It's just another one of those times that makes you wonder how things got so fucked up. Three years ago, my anger at the Bush administration was more along the lines of, "They pulled out of the Kyoto treaty! Bush can't do that!" Or, "Bush just signed a bill takes away worker protection from ergonomic injuries! Treason!!!" That shit was tiddlywinks compared to this.
(link courtesy of Des)

On demand blogging. Kristin sez in comments, "Bring more obese cats, please."
Well, here you go!

At least, I think this is a cat. It might actually be a gremlin.
And we have an update on Mikesch, the (formerly) 40-pound German cat, and news of another huge cat brought into the same Berlin animal shelter.

No, really?

WASHINGTON (AFP) - One year after an undercover CIA agent was outed in the US press, lawmakers in Congress expressed outrage that little apparent progress has been made in tracking down the government officials who revealed her identity....
"This White House has now delayed any accountability for this damaging and illegal leak for a full year ... Who is the White House protecting?" Harkin said. (link)

That is the million dollar question, now isn't it? And it certainly would make for a good question in the presidential debates if still unanswered.

And here is a letter sent from the Kerry campaign to the BC04 campaign regarding the Bushies whining about the Kerry fundraiser where some adults said some naughty words and mean things about Shrub. (Bushco has called for Kerry to release the full video of the fundraiser. A more succinct answer would be "Go fuck yourself.")

Turtle Love. Given Sen.Cornyn's statements about man-on-turtle sex, that begs the question, what about man-on-two-headed-turtle love?

"Outfoxed." There's been a lot of hubbub the last couple days over this documentary which looks at the Faux News channel and Rupert Murdoch empire and the ways in which it is a propaganda machine for the GOP (watch the trailer). Among the evidence to come out of all this are a series of memos sent by Fox News Chief John Moody giving the daily talking points. Wonkette has posted all of the memos, and they give insight to the many ways in which Faux is neither fair nor balanced. But two passages in particular struck me as being especially cynical:

From: John Moody

Date: 4/22/2004

THURSDAY UPDATE: let's rock n roll with the korean train explosion. korean websites are speculating freely that it was a mistimed hit on kim. that gives us the right to quote them, and let guests etc speculate. it is eerie that it happened just hours after the dear leader finished his business in china and pointedly took the train home.

..........

From: John Moody

Date: 4/23/2004

As we worried yesterday, the death toll in the N Korean train wreck looks like it's being drastically revised downward. that doesn't mean we won't follow the story, to the exten we can get information from the Hermit Kingdom. The chance that it was an assassination against Kim is slim ( i took a poetry class to do this stuff). But it's not impossible.

Okay, "Hermit Kingdom" is kinda funny, but only if you forget the terrible oppression suffered by many in N.Korea. The initial reports of that explosion were estimating that up to 3000 people had been killed or injured, and the Faux News chief says "Let's rock n roll with the korean train explosion"? And then the following day, the memo expresses regret that the death toll has been revised downward??? Can you imagine the outrage that Faux would express if an overseas news memo was released from 9/11 saying "Let's rock n roll with the Twin Towers" and the next day expresses regret that more hadn't died? As my dad would say, "What a jerk." (and note their high standards of journalism, "korean websites are speculating freely that it was a mistimed hit on kim. that gives us the right to quote them"...what a bunch of utter and complete whores.)
No wonder watching Faux News makes people stoopid.

How to split a check. I've had this discussion with other F.O.G. on a number of occasions because we've all been there. You're out with a large group. People in the group have differing degrees of familiarity with each other. Some are having drinks, others are enjoying the bargain of the free refill on soda/coffee/tea. The server comes with the check, sets it down on the table, and there it lays. The check might as well be an armadillo with leprosy because nobody dares pick up the check. Everyone continues to chat while ignoring the 400 pound gorilla in the room. Inevitably, someone will pick up the bill and look it over as if it is written in ancient sanskrit before passing it off clockwise.

This is where it gets dicey. The simple solution, and the solution most often suggested by someone who has been drinking the expensive cocktails, is to simply divide the check equally. This method is suitable under a few limited circumstances: 1)This method was predetermined going into the meal (that never happens); 2)Everyone at the table is very good friends with all the others and prefers to keep things simple; 3)Everyone is incredibly wealthy.

But since we are discussing a situation that does not meet circumstances #1 or #2, and circumstance #3 doesn't apply to my circle of friends, we must consider alternative measures. Because in this situation, if the check is divided evenly among everyone, the non-drinkers end up subsidizing the drinkers' beverage consumption. And I don't subscribe to that brand of socialism.

I suggest here two simple strategies for dealing with the check to ensure that the bill is covered as well as leaving a respectable tip:

Strategy #1: Each person kicks in what they believe to be their share of the bill. Once everyone has put in their money, figure out the difference between what is owed and what you have. If the amount on hand exceeds a 20% tip, then evenly distribute the surplus among the group (unless the service was impeccable, such as the service I would have provided at the Ground Round, in which case you just leave the surplus for that poor sap living without health insurance). But, as we can all attest, this tends not to be the case. So to cover the difference, evenly divide the amount needed among everyone in the group. Problem solved.

Strategy #2: Use this simple formula to figure out how much each person owes.
[(Food Total + Tax + 20% Tip)/(# in group)] + (Individual Drink Total) = Indiv.Amt.
If there is still a deficit or a surplus, split it evenly.

If properly employed, these techniques can help to minimize the amount of time awkwardly throwing dollar bills around the table while trying to come up with the correct amount. Each strategy has its benefits but both should prevent any one person from getting stuck paying an amount several times what they actually owe due to others being oblivious that their 7 apple martinis account for 1/4 of the bill.

Why do I care so much about this? Is it because I'm a stingy penny-pincher who can't just take it easy? No. Is it because I'm a spiteful person? I am. But no. It is because the group check-split is one of the things in this world that separates the self-aware and the non-self-aware. The people who use a turn-signal, and the people who don't. The people who turn off their cellphone in the theater, and the people answer theirs during the movie. The people who ask a roommate for saltines when their date is getting sick in the bathroom, and the people who ask their roommate for saltines and a condom*. Me and you from everyone else. (* True story)

Before I get started, if you need your morning fix of politics, Atrios has a good morning buffet, including some jokes about the wisdom of Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas, who in arguing for the hate amendment had this to say: "It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife."
What a load of santorum.

Fun with the Masons. Goatheads, compasses, and pentagrams oh my!
And no, even I don't buy into this nonsense. But it's still fun to see others' psychological disorders manifest themselves.

Shotgun + Trousers = Bad. Just more mindless posting here.

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said.

David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trouers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

"Removed what remained...." Aiiyee!
Speaking of which...that reminds me of a time when I was but a wee lad, and I went down to the Virginia/N.C. border boonies with my friend Mikey P who was visiting his grandfather for the day. We took along our fishing rods, and we headed on down the road to the pond. We didn't have any bait with us, so Mike said, "We're gonna stop off by my uncle's to get some bullballs for use for fishin." Okay, sure thing, sounds good to me. Bullballs. Must be some sort of brand of fish bait.
We ride down to his uncle's barn where they had some cattle penned up and prop up our bikes against the fence. We walk over to where his uncle and a couple other guys are, and Mike exchanges pleasantries with them. At least, that's what I figured. A yankee-bred city-slicker like me couldn't fully understand the thick southern dialect. So, I just nodded my head a lot and smiled.
I didn't see any bait lying around, so I figured we might have to go up to a house or somewhere else to pick it up. And then, Mike's uncle pulls out a pocketknife, kneels down beside the penned animal, and I realize that when Mike said "bullballs," that's just what he meant.
His uncle grabbed a ziploc bag, popped them in, and we were on our way.
I'll save you from other details about how one actually uses them as bait (you don't just stick a hook through the whole thing). I don't think I caught any fish that day. But I did learn how you turn a bull into a steer.

My niece would look cute in this.

Be warned. This is just nasty. Go ahead...click the link...you know you want to....

Abraham Lincoln on elections:

We can not have free government without elections; and if the rebellion could force us to forego, or postpone a national election it might fairly claim to have already conquered and ruined us.

True 140 years ago. True today.

Hello, Mr.Krueger.

Musician Keith Richards (news) speaks to the media prior to performing a concert in memory of musician Gram Parsons, who died of a drug and alcohol overdose in 1973, and to raise money for Musicians Assistance Program, in Los Angeles late July 10, 2004.

Keith Richards, it should be noted, died in 1997 and spends his days roaming the earth as a zombie.

More funny. Watch this. (takes a few seconds to load if you're on high-speed...dial-up will take a while)

I never did this at the Ground Round.

Ouch. Or, as E.T. says, "Oooaaach."

Have you seen this man? His name is Ken Jennings, and he's been tearing up the competition on "Jeopardy" for the past 6 weeks. He destroys the competition, and of all the times we've watched him, there have only been a couple of times where he was anywhere remotely close to losing. And even then it wasn't close. It's brutal. Check it out.

Vote! It's your duty. Quien es mas macho? Ricardo Montalban o Lorenzo Lamas?
And leave a comment while you're at it. All those "Comment (0)"s make for a homely blog. And this blog is homely enough to begin with.

King George. In case you haven't heard yet, your government is considering plans for postponing the election in November. I agree with Sen.Feinstein, "I don't think there's an argument that can be made, for the first time in our history, to delay an election. We hold elections in the middle of war, in the middle of earthquakes, in the middle of whatever it takes. The election is a statutory election. It should go ahead, on schedule, and we should not change it."
As if touchscreen voting weren't enough to worry about.

Finally. It's about time that CNN or one of the other major networks picks up on the Office of Special Plans, a shadowy group run by Doug Feith that had the sole mission of massaging and distorting intelligence to hype Iraq's (nonexistent) WMD, stovepiping bad assessments to the top of Bushco, creating the massive gap between pre-war statements about Iraq as a threat and post-war realities. This is something that's been talked about for a long time on discussion boards and in the blogosphere, but until now has largely been ignored by the mainstream press.

Disney Family Values. Have you seen the promos for the ABC show "Wife Swap"? From the casting call:

"IS YOUR FAMILY READY FOR PRIMETIME TELEVISION?
Wife Swap is an exciting new series that invites you behind the walls of America's homes and lets you experience how families run their lives.
Each episode involves two families and a fun twist: the Moms of each household swap places for ten days!
If you are a family unit (two parents and children) who love an adventure, call now to be a part of this ground-breaking show: 212-905-6059 or email: theswap@rdfmedia.com. Make sure to include your contact phone numbers!

Sounds like fun, no? This is the type of stoopid programming that sends me into fits while sitting at the computer, vaguely paying attention to what's on television, causing me to jibber-jabber to my legal counsel who humors me with a "Sure, whatever you say" (paraphrasing, of course, but I go off on rants so often, she can't possibly take them all seriously).
So here is why this show (starting in the fall) is incredibly stoopid:
1) It just is.
2) Because I said so.
3) The show will further perpetuate the concept of wife as property, one of the greater cultural impediments to gender equality. You swap baseball cards. You swap recipes. But unless you're a swinger, you don't swap wives. Disney would like to change your thinking on this one.
4) Another stereotype that this show will further is that of woman as caretaker, existing only in the domestic sphere. My guess is that the women participating in the show probably aren't professionals, but rather are full-time homemakers. And I'm not dissing being a homemaker at all, I'm just sayin....
5) Who's making a mockery of marriage? One of the standard arguments for discriminating against gay marriage is that it would violate the "sanctity" of marriage. But who do we have to thank for all these stupid "reality" shows such as "Who wants to marry a millionaire," "Who wants to marry my dad," "The bachelor/bachelorette," "The ultimate love test," "For love or money," "Joe Millionaire," "The littlest groom"? Heteros, that's who. I can't say for sure, but if given equal rights to marry, the gay community might spare us from more of these ridiculous shows (TV execs might not). And can you imagine the conservative reaction to a swapping show with gay couples? I can.
6) Why only have wife-swapping? Hell, Fox has a show coming out ("Trading Families", I think) where men also do the swapping. So why did Disney just limit it to wives? Because they hate America, that's why.
7) Whatever stupid message they try and wedge into the banality of it all, probably something about appreciating what you've got, isn't justified given the stupidity of it all.
So there you have it. It's amazing what you can glean from only a 30-second promo for a show that hasn't even aired yet.

Fun with photoshop. This is hilarious. (via Altercation)

Huh? "Stopped the rot with a sixer off a googly":
"stop the rot":Bat in a partnership (see definition) that lasts long enough and scores enough runs to make up for a succession of quick "outs" and a low score total, earlier in the innings.
"sixer": a hit that flies over the fence without a bounce, scoring six runs
"googly": A pitch which is thrown with baseball's "screwball" grip but reverse finger spin... should move across and AWAY from the batter, but actually moves in the OPPOSITE direction, i.e. INTO the batter after it bounces.
(link)

"The Pet Goat." Shrub sitting there in a Florida classroom, holding that book, clueless as to what he should do, is one of the more surreal moments of "F9/11." Here are some funny reviews of the reading book that it appears in.
If you want to see the unedited video, you can see it at The Memory Hole.
Or, as always, you can watch a monkey washing a cat instead.

A wall isn't just a place to hang pictures. Turns out that the key documents from Shrub's days with the T.A.N.G. that could help shed light on whether or not he bailed (he did) just happened to have been destroyed. How very convenient.
Other things reported to have gone missing: millions of jobs, traditional alliances, affordable healthcare, civil rights, Iraq's WMD, Iraq/Osama ties, environmental regulation, budget surplus, and one village in Texas is missing its idiot.

Friends. The Cracker Crib is trying to downplay Shrub's chumminess with criminal Kenny Boy Lay, with Scotty McMuffin saying of Lay, "He was a supporter in the past and he's someone that I would also point out has certainly supported Democrats and Republicans in the past." Just a supporter? Well then Shrub certainly wouldn't feel comfortable saying in a birthday note to Lay, "Thank goodness you have such a young and beautiful wife." (Thanks to Des for the link)

So, so true. Anne points to this article in The Onion, "Nations Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue." Dorothy Levine would describe me circa March 2003. But these days I'm probably more akin to Suzanne Marshal, a total junkie chasing the ghost.
It reminds me of a "This Modern World" strip from last year that I had up in my office back when I had a job title that made sense.

Tom "Bogeyman" Ridge is expected to say some shit about al-Qaida planning something or other. What? Their cricket tournament is over, Osama having stopped the rot with a sixer off a googly, and al-Qaida is back in their evil laboratory plotting their next attack? Thanks for the heads-up, Tommyboy:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is expected to say at a Thursday briefing that the al Qaeda terrorist group may be entering the "operational or planning phase of an attack," an administration official said Thursday.

It's believed, the official said, al Qaeda will attempt to strike before the November presidential election, the official added.

No new specific intelligence exists, and Ridge will not announce that he is raising the national color-coded threat level beyond the yellow, or elevated, level.

It was not immediately clear how the assessment of existing intelligence has led Ridge to his planned remarks.

"No new intelligence"? Crayola color-code threat not being raised? "Not immediately clear" why they're doing this?
Here's a hint: They need to change the headlines from being about Kerry-Edwards and Kennyboy to being about how we all need to be vigilant yet calm; scared shitless yet composed. And they always do this. Any time that there's some bad news for the Bushies, bang zip wow, here's a new terra announcement.
At my first sociology conference, another presenter at my session was giving a paper analyzing the effects that false hurricane warnings had on community preparedness and emergency response during the aftermath. Turns out that the more warnings you have that don't come true, then the less people prepare in the future. And then when a hurricane actually hits, you have more people than normal who aren't ready. Chicken-little effect, nothing too ground-breaking. But we're going to have the same goddam thing happening here. It's already happened. Last year we had jackasses covering their house in saran wrap and stocking up on potted meat out of fear of a chemical attack. Now what? Does anybody pay attention other than those people who seek out drama in their lives? This aspect of the Bushco propaganda--the use of terra alerts to scare people into submission--is one of the better parts of "F9/11."
And when another terra attack does occur, Bushco can say, "See? We told you. We were on the job. And by the way, we're imposing marshall law, and the elections are suspended. And we're still going to cut taxes."

"July Surprise"? TPM points to a new article in The New Republic detailing overtures from Bushco to the Pakistanis to secure al-qaida "high value targets" in the middle of the Democratic convention. I guess they figured that doing so in October would be too predictable. But wouldn't now really be a much better time? And wouldn't two years ago have been a much, much better time?
They really aren't serious about anything other than retaining power. They don't care about anything else.

Kinky! You think they'll call him "Kenny-boy" in prison? Will Shrub send him cupcakes and cigarettes?


Salon has a good feature today reminding us of how closely the GOP and Bushco were tied to Enron. (they also have some hilarious news clips in light of the opening of "Anchorman"...you can sign up for a day pass if you need to)

This just in: Ken Lay has been indicted. It's about friggin time.

Free Stuff is the best kind of stuff. You can get a free Kerry-Edwards bumpersticker. No ugly red border on this one.

Major League Asshole. One more reason why we have to get Shrub out of the Cracker Crib. Major League Baseball is apparently handling foreign relations. I thought the Belgians looked like they've been on steroids lately.

Cracker. From wordorigins.org:

Throughout the American South, poor, white trash are referred to as crackers. The most common explanation for the origin of this phrase is that it is from corncracker, or someone who distills corn whiskey (cracking corn is to crush it into a mash for distillation). The song lyric Jimmy Crack Corn is a reference to this. In the song, a slave sings about how his master was thrown from his horse when it was bitten by a blue-tail fly, hit his head, and died. And the slave "don't care." (This was a pretty subversive song for its day.) This is not, however, the origin of the ethnic term cracker. The term corncracker is first attested to only in 1835, well after cracker was established as a term for a white man.

Another common false etymology is that the term comes from the crack of a whip. This tale has the origin in white overseers of slaves, or "whipcrackers," who brutalized their charges. Again, this explanation has no evidence to support it.

Instead, cracker comes from an old sense of crack meaning to boast. This sense dates to the 15th century and is still in dialectical use, mainly Scots, in Britain. A 1766 quote in the OED2 gives the origin of cracker as boastful.

No reason for posting this other than that I found it interesting. That, and this season's cast of "Big Brother" is almost exclusively made up of crackers. These shows generally aren't representative of the population, and I'm not saying that they absolutely have to be. But this might be the whitest group on a reality show during the reality show plague over the past six years. 40 million Latinos in this country, and they can't find one to go on there? 10 million Asian-Americans? I'll have my research department do some investigating into the matter.
(And to be fair, TAR isn't much more representative, though there is an overabundance of stupidity judging from last night's show.)

Fair and Balanced. Did you know that John Kerry and John Edwards are both fabulously wealthy? Of course you did. Why? Because every damn story on them mentions or alludes to it in one way or another. Not so with Cheney or Shrub. But both are incredibly wealthy. Maybe we just expect that from Republicans.

And next time you hear some lunkhead jibba-jabbering about how Edwards used to be a fancy-pants trial lawyer, tell them this story about a five-year-old whose intestines were sucked out thanks to a negligent corporation.

I'm "Rockville, MD." From an online discussion on WashingtonPost.com today with Kerry campaign adviser Tad Devine:

Rockville, Md.: During the last discussion with a spokesperson for the Bush campaign, someone asked, "Was this just another flip-flop on Kerry's part? Didn't Edwards and Kerry attack each other all through the primaries? How can he get away with this?"

My question for you is, with the Bush team using John McCain in web ads, is that just another flip-flop on Bush's part? Didn't Bush and McCain attack each other all through the 2000 primaries? How can Bush get away with this?

Tad Devine: That is a great question. What President Bush did to Senator McCain in the South Carolina primary was the worst kind of politics. We are not surprised that a republican senator would endorse a republican president for re-election. Having said that, I think that most Americans would agree that John McCain is a patriot and someone who is honest about the political process and who, unlike the president and vice president, is willing to reach across party lines on behalf of the American people. That's why John McCain worked so closely with John Kerry to find the truth about POWs and MIAs in Vietnam and to restore relations with Vietnam during the Clinton administration. And that is why Senator McCain to this day is standing with John Edwards to support a Patients' Bill of Rights in the United States Senate. Instead of invoking Senator McCain's political support, perhaps the president should support some of John McCain's legislation. That would be good for all Americans.

Yay for me! Snarky, snarky me!
The Bush adviser chose not to answer any of my questions in his online discussion. Perhaps "Why are you such a smarmy prick?" was a little too coarse.

Birthday Boy. Today is Dubya's birthday. Sonuvabitch is 58. You think John Kerry knew that when he was planning his announcement? Let's hope this is his last birthday in the Whizzle Hizzle. Only 118 days til the election.

Oy. I hope they come up with a better bumpersticker than this:

And don't forget, The Amazing Race starts tonight. While there won't be any high-stakes wagering like last year, it will still be fun to watch. Looking at the teams, I don't think that there's a clear favorite at this point. But I'll give the team with the little person odds to make it through the first couple of rounds. And I'll root for these idiots to get the boot with a quickness.

See what I mean? Ridiculous.

Kerry-Edwards 04. Hoo-ray. This is great news and so much better than Kerry-Gephardt or Kerry-Vilsack. A relief that we won't have a VP candidate with "sack" in his name. But here's the real story:
1. Kerry and Edwards don't get along. You know, because that's what someone in the media reported once and all the other toddlers picked up on it. And even Kerry has questioned Edwards' credentials--back when they were running for the same spot (watch for the "diapers" comment to be played non-stop for the next four months...don't know what I'm talking about? you will....)
2. Edwards is Kerry's second choice because he couldn't get McCain. (who really pushed the story that Kerry wanted McCain, and why would it now be politically advantageous?) And if you can't get your first choice, well, that just shows what a flip-flopping loser you are. Everyone knows that the only real way to choose a VP is to appoint one of daddy's friends to head a search committee and then have daddy's friend choose himself.
3. Kerry's choice of Edwards is just another instance of Kerry making the politically convenient statement and doing what the polls tell him to do. Because choosing a running mate has absolutely nothing to do with who you think will be able to help you win.

Seriously. It's going to be this ridiculous. Expect nothing more, and nothing less, from your so-called liberal media.
But, I think we've got an even better chance now with Edwards on the ticket. And the VP debate should be something to look forward to. Edwards, a relatively young (and younger-looking) charismatic guy who knows how to win over a jury, going up against Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney who should be facing a jury.

I got nothing. I'm just so ready for this week to be over and for the three-day weekend to start. Not because I have any major plans but because I just want to be able to sit around. And while that's pretty much what I've done all week at work, it's just not the same. So I'm going to call it a day here on the ol' blog. We'll pick back up on Tuesday.
Things to look forward to next week: Kerry veep pick and Plame case indictments (hopefully). Muy interesante.

Neat-o. Lookie here.

B-rilliant. The Onion does it again.

It's July already? Geez...seems like just yesterday it was June.

Halliburton hijinks. As if there weren't already enough evidence that Cheney's buddies at Halliburton have screwed the taxpayers big time, here's another story on their profiteering. Marie deYoung, a former Army chaplain who worked for Halliburton, brings new allegations:

DeYoung audited accounts for Halliburton’s subsidiary KBR. She claims there was no effort to hold down costs because all costs were passed on directly to taxpayers. She repeatedly complained to superiors of waste and fraud. The company's response, according to deYoung was: "We can be as dumb and stupid as we want in the first year of a war, nobody’s going to care."

DeYoung produced documents detailing alleged waste even on routine services: $50,000 a month for soda, at $45 a case; $1 million a month to clean clothes — or $100 for each 15-pound bag of laundry.

"That money could have been used to take care of soldiers," she said.

DeYoung also claims people were paid to do nothing. Mike West says he was one of them. Paid $82,000 a year to be a labor foreman in Iraq, West claims he never had any laborers to supervise. "They said just log 12 hours a day and walk around and look busy," he said. "OK, so we did."

This would be a good time to watch the "Cost of War" counter for a few seconds. Halliburton thanks you.
(Note: I find it particularly egregious that anyone could justify being paid to do nothing...imagine that, just sitting there all day, doing nothing...awful, just awful!)

Coocoo for Coco. By request, here are some more pictures of the cats. You can see Tibbs and Coco earning their keep, Coco looking crazed as ever, and Coco demonstrating her shoe fetish.

New blog on the block. My good friend Michelle from the U.ofAZ got on the bandwagon and started her own blog, Procfreak. Here's her inaugral post in which she explains the origins of the term and its usage.

And I might have to remove the link to my slack-ass younger brother's blog if he doesn't start posting a little more regularly. Less rooster, more blog (though that is a pretty cool picture that he took). The rooster is from a photo album that he sent of a kayak trip somewhere in Poland. Lots of roosters and swans and horses and bugs. And some old Polish woman (I love that picture). But not enough blog.