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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Saltines and a condom. During my last two years of college, I lived in a total dump of a house that had no air conditioning, but more importantly, no heating other than a propane space heater. For a two-story house with poor insulation. But since four of us were living there, the rent was only $200 a piece. So you tend to overlook things like squirrels sharing the living space with you and a bathtub that appeared ready to fall through the floor at any moment.
Through some sort of miracle or power of the kevorka, my roommates were able to convince women to enter this house and stay for more than five minutes (having dated my legal counsel while at a prior address, our relationship was grandfathered into the house). One roommate in particular had several women over to the house over the two years that we lived there. We'll call this roommate "Scott." I won't go into all the details of Scott's various forays into romance (jumping out of a moving car and chasing a woman down the street in historic Williamsburg), but suffice to say, it provided for many good stories.
"Scott" had been on a couple of dates with this particular woman, and he brought her home one night. After making the obligatory chit-chat with whoever was there, they headed upstairs to his room. Oh--I should mention that in place of an actual bed, he had a sleeper sofa. How you navigate that one early on in the relationship, I don't know.
After a little while, Scott's date exits his room and goes into the bathroom. Apparently, she was sick to her stomach, probably putting a damper on any romancing that might have been going on. Trying to be helpful, Scott knocks on one of the other roommates' door, we'll call that roommate "Schoolboy." Scott asks Schoolboy if he has any saltines to help ease his date's stomach. How thoughtful! Then Scott also asks Schoolboy if he has any condoms.
So while his date is in the bathroom having dry heaves, he's hunting down crackers and a Trojan.
I don't think that either ended up being necessary as his date went home early. And Scott probably woke us all up at 8a.m. the next morning singing "Fast Car" in the shower, with a brand new day ahead of him and another lucky lady just waiting to be found.

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