Faux News NC-17. They report, you...see graphic images. Bill O'Lielly must've had something to do with this.
Ah ha ha ha. Shouldn't they be, like, fined for this, or something?
(edit: link updated)

"But then my homework was never quite like this."

Yankees fans to Cheney: Go fuck yourself.

Cheney, who visited both clubhouses after batting practice, watched part of the game from the box of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and part from a first-row seat next to the Yankees dugout, where he sat between New York Gov. George Pataki and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Cheney was booed when he was shown on the right-field videoboard during the seventh-inning stretch.

Just a taste of what's to come during the Republican convention.

Issue Numbah Three! I was in the men's room earlier, and I saw someone flushing the urinal with his elbow. His elbow? That just doesn't make any sense, especially if done out of a germophobia. Yeah, the lever probably isn't something you'd want to go and lick, but at least if you use your hand (like a normal person), then you'd be able to wash your hands afterwards. But using your elbow? I didn't hang around to watch, but I'm betting that the guy didn't wash that elbow. And so if the point is to avoid germs, then he totally missed the boat on that one.

Issue Numbah Two! A while back, Mr.Tibbs had some sort of gunk-inducing eye infection. We gave him topical medication for a week, it cleared up, and it hasn't returned since. He and Coco get along just fabulously.

No Politics Tuesday!!! And I'll stick by it this time. Today will have some updates on issues from the last couple of months.

Issue Numbah One! You may recall that we were in a car accident back on Super Bowl Sunday. Old lady ran a red light, was struck by another car, and then she ran head-on into our car. The damage to the car was severe, and it was almost declared totalled. Luckily, the car was repaired, and it has been running fine since. But we still have a couple of claims to make for diminished value and for meds. And other than the phantom-pisser, nobody else has urinated or spilt any other fluids on any of our cars. That we know of.
We're also selling the Bushmobile since we got a newused Echo (the car that looks like a pimple but is incredibly roomy inside). As fun as it was to drive around in the Bushmobile with the "Bush Lies," "Leave No Millionaire Behind," and "Regime Change Starts at Home" bumperstickers, removing all the stickers was no joyride. It took me a good 90 minutes to remove those plus all the other stickers on the car. So my advice is that if you want to have a bumpersticker, tape it to the inside of your rear window. None in the Echo yet, but I think i'll probably tape up the "George W. Bush: Huh?" sticker today. I might just have to get a new "Bush Lies" sticker as well.
Need a good bumpersticker? Try here or here.
(ain't no politics here, just talkin 'bout stickers)

Not to quibble, but don't the lyrics go "let freedom ring"? And gee, I wonder how this got in the hands of a deferential, lazy press. Watch for it on your nightly news tonight.
(I realize that "reign" could also work here, but that just doesn't fit in with my paradigm; therefore, I must discount it as impossible.)

The Onion explains the symbolism behind Iraq's new flag.

Hot Tip of the Week: Inside sources report that "White Chicks" is embarrassingly funny. But is it as funny as a monkey washing a cat?

By the way, "power" was handed over to the new Iraqi government today, two days ahead of schedule. Paul Bremer handed a folder of documents (contents: one letter saying "See ya, suckers!", and a "Family Circle" cartoon) to the Iraqi Chief Justice, then got the fudge out of there, beeping twice and leaving behind a cloud of smoke in the shape of his body that slowly dissipated.
Why the early handover? It's an attempt to head off insurgents who were planning attacks for the 30th. One group of insurgents was seen sulking on a rooftop. The leader said, "Dag-nabbit! They sure fooled us! Now what are we going to do with all these RPGs? Do you know how late I was up last night working on another car bomb? Do you? It was pretty damn late, I can tell you that. And it's Hamdi's birthday on Wednesday! What are we to do now? Go to freaking Putt-Putt and have an ice-cream party? Drats! Oh...and death to America."

What a relief this all is. Surely everything will return to normal, and our military can start to leave. Right?

The bedbugs bite and a woman sues. I love my hometown:

Bedbugs were a Tazewell woman's unwelcome roommates at a Williamson Road motel in October, according to a lawsuit filed last week in Roanoke Circuit Court.

Virginia environmental health records confirm infestation in about four rooms that month, but list no others since.

The Tazewell woman, Kathy Proffitt, demands $50,000 in compensatory damages and $50,000 in punitive damages from motel operator Kamlesh Patel, who her lawsuit claims was responsible for allowing "the hotel to be infested by flesh-eating and blood-sucking parasites which repeatedly and viciously attacked the plaintiff as she slept."

"Viciously attacked"? Come on, I think that's being a little hard on the parasites. They're just doing what they're born to do. And is there any other way for bedbugs to bite? Can they bite you gently? Can they suck your blood discreetly? Will they chew you softly? Then they're gonna infest you completely.
Check this out...it's the Darth Termite. Rebel scum.

SCOTUS. At first glance, it looked like today's decision on enemy combatants was another Bush victory. But now it looks like it's not necessarily. So Congress gave Shrub the power to hold people indefinitely, but SCOTUS says that those detainees must be given access to lawyers. Still seems to be a problem with checks and balances, and given the "ghost prisoners" at Abu Ghraib, I don't think anyone should trust this cabal. But, I'm not a lawyer, I'm just married to one.

Three Thumbs Up! We went ahead and saw "F9/11" on opening night Friday, and it was effing brilllliant. The movie was showing on three screens simultaneously, and the line was huge and filled with a diverse mix of people. The movie does an excellent job of calling out the Bushies on their lies and the media for letting them get away with it. But compared to "Roger and Me" and "Bowling for Columbine," Moore is much more measured, and you really don't see him for a large part of the movie. The images speak for themselves. So get thee to a theater ASAP.
I'll probably go see it for a second time, something I've only done for "LOTR: ROTK" and "Deuce Bigalow."
And apparently Dale Earnhardt Jr is recommending F911 to his pit crew.

Power Elite. This is very interesting. Veeerrry interesting. Every year, political and corporate leaders from all over the world gather for the Bilderberg Conference, and they discuss matters with global effects. Why haven't you ever heard about this? (other than Michelle who told me about it) Because you're a crackhead, that's why. It's because they don't want you to hear about it. From the U.S., you've got Senators (Johnboy Edwards), people associated with the Trilateral Commission, associates of Goldman Sachs, Melinda Gates (Bill's wife), the Prez of the NY Federal Reserve, the CEO of the Washington Post, the CEO of Pepsi, the prez of the World Bank, and a slew of neocons including The Dark Prince himself, Richard Perle, and Paul "Journalists are Sissies" Wolfowitz.
The Masons and Illuminati are probably behind it all anyway. So check it out.

And Michelle also pointed out that the conference happened to be at the same time that Shrub was in Italy offering the Pope a delicious Whitmans chocolate.

Or, maybe it's totally innocent, and they just sit around singing campsongs and eating s'mores, and every year, Vernon Jordan fills Klaus Zumwinkel's shoes with shaving cream, much to the delight of (war criminal and Chancellor of W&M), Henry Kissinger.

Email from a friend:

i went to this last night.

http://www.luchavavoom.com

it was so weird. it reminded me of you, for some reason. there were wrestlers in chicken suits, midgets in monkey costumes, and really weird strippers.

I couldn't be more proud to be associated with such things. All these years of hard work have finally paid off.

Bad year indeed. After reading this laundry list of everything that's gone wrong this year, it's amazing that the election could still be close. Boggles the mind.

"Fahrenheit 9/11" starts today. Driving the work, Michael Moore was on Howard Stern, and it really is something to hear Howard going off on the Bush administration, pushing his audience to go out and see the movie. And it's not just about the FCC crackdown, he's pissed off about everything that Bushco has done over the last three-and-a-half years. Good times.
For the Roanoke brethren, F9/11 is showing at the Grandin theater at 7:45 and 10:00 tonight. Or you can catch a matinee tomorrow at 1:00 or 3:15.

"Fudge yourself!" Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

On Tuesday, Cheney, serving in his role as president of the Senate, appeared in the chamber for a photo session. A chance meeting with Sen. Patrick J. Leahy (Vt.), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, became an argument about Cheney's ties to Halliburton Co., an international energy services corporation, and President Bush's judicial nominees. The exchange ended when Cheney offered some crass advice.

"Fuck yourself," said the man who is a heartbeat from the presidency....

As it happens, the exchange occurred on the same day the Senate passed legislation described as the "Defense of Decency Act" by 99 to 1.

Ahh ha ha ha ha. Good ol' Cheney. Sirotablog and Jesus' General have some good quotes for juxtaposition.

And if you find Ann Coulter to be amusing in a pathetic way, then you'll get a kick out of this. (most links via Atrios)

This is just weird. Weird, I say.

Banging the Gavel. Via The Smoking Gun:

JUNE 24--While seated on the bench, an Oklahoma judge used a male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and pleasured himself, state officials charged yesterday in a petition to remove the jurist.

Oiled? Really? Aye caramba.

"Bring 'em on." Well, Mr.Prezident, they brought it once again, and they brought it hard. What a fucking mess. Or, as the administration will surely say, it's "another sign of the progress of the new Iraqi government and the desperation of those who hate freedom."

Ron Reagan ripped Bush in an interview last night with Larry King. Here's the transcript. Among other things, here's what he said:

KING: Do you think [Bush] wears his religion on his sleeve? He certainly refers to it more than your father ever did.

REAGAN: Well, you know, there was that answer he gave to the question about, did you talk to your father about going into Iraq? No, I talked to a higher father, you know, the almighty. When you hear somebody justifying a war by citing the almighty, God, I get a little worried, frankly. The other guys do that a lot. Osama bin Laden's always talking about Allah, what Allah wants, that he's on his side. I think that's uncomfortable.

KING: Do you have thoughts on the war?

REAGAN: Sure, I have thoughts on the war.

KING: And what do you think?

REAGAN: And I think we lied our way into the war.

KING: You think it's a mistake?

REAGAN: Absolutely, a terrible mistake. Terrible foreign policy error. We didn't have to do it. It was optional. And we were lied to. The American public was lied to about WMD, the connection between Osama bin Laden and Saddam, which is virtually nonexistent except for fleeting contacts. But they're still trying to pull that one off now, Cheney and all are out there flogging that.

KING: Can I gather from that, that you will not support this president?

REAGAN: No, I won't.

KING: Will you support his opponent?

REAGAN: I will vote for whoever the viable candidate is who can defeat George W. Bush, yes.

Just another partisan hack who doesn't know what he's talking about, I guess.

Plame update. Shrub was interviewed by the prosecuting attorney in the case for over an hour today in the Shite House. Shrub's lawyer was by his side. Scott McMuffin sez, "No one wants to get to the bottom of this matter more than the president of the United States." Scotty really is just like a toy doll. Pull the strings, and listen to him talk. His statements ignores the fact that if Shrub really wanted to get to the bottom of this, it could be done within the hour.

Wonderland. Ha.

Magic 8-Ball was right. I did absolutely nothing at work today. Hoo-ray!

Scrubbing away. Shrub game some speech about HIV/AIDS in Philly today. Here's what several news sources report him saying:

Every man and woman and child who suffers from this addiction, from the streets of Philly to the villages of Africa, is a child of God who deserves our love and our help. And that's what I'm here to talk about today.

And then here's what the White House transcript has him as saying:

Every man and woman and child who suffers from this affliction, from the streets of Philly to the villages of Africa, is a child of God who deserves our love and our help. And that's what I'm here to talk about today.

It's one thing that all his damn "uhh"s and "umm"s get edited out of the transcripts. That's fairly standard, though it does take away some of the sense of confusion that pervade his words. But to change the actual words is, oh, what did Shrub like to call it? Oh, that's right, "historical revisionism." Silly.

Best. Daily Show. Ever. Here is a link to a couple of video clips that prove once again why "The Daily Show" is the best news show on television. First, they call out Cheney and Rummy as blatant liars. And then Jon Stewart ('84) delivers a brutal beating to his guest, Stephen Hayes, who was peddling a book pushing the (discredited) Iraq/al-Qaida connection. J.S. went so far as to call the guy's book a "clusterfuck." Try and imagine the supposed "bulldog" Timmy Russert doing the same. The rest of the media could learn a lesson from TDS.

No room for "Ninja Rap"? Seriously? I find it hard to believe that "Ninja Rap" could be left off the AFI Top 100 Movie Songs. I also don't see how they could have looked over "Danger Zone" from "Top Gun." You can thank me for getting that one stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

AWOL Redux. The AP is suing for access to all of Shrub's TANG records. Why? Because there's a suspicion that the White House document dump earlier this year was less than complete, and there are still unanswered questions regarding Shrub's service record due to the media being easily distracted by bright colors and flashing lights.
Ah, I remember the good ol' days when AWOL was all over the front pages and the lead story on the nightly news. Back when most of us hadn't heard of Abu Ghraib, "human pyramid" was just something cheerleaders did, beheadings weren't weekly events, and nobody had any idea as to what will happen when power is "transferred" to the new Iraqi government on June 30th. Oh wait...we still don't have a clue as to what will happen a week from today. So let's check the Magic 8-Ball...."Better Not Tell You Now," it says. Never question the wisdom of the Magic 8-Ball.

An even better question: Will I get anything done at work today?
Magic 8-Ball sez, "My Reply Is No."
Hoo-ray!

Curious about what some members of Congress are doing with their spare time? This story has been making the rounds on the internet for some time, but it's just now hitting the mainstream media.

More than a dozen lawmakers attended a congressional reception this year honoring the Rev. Sun Myung Moon in which Moon declared himself the Messiah and said his teachings have helped Hitler and Stalin be "reborn as new persons."

At the March 23 ceremony in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, Rep. Danny K. Davis (D-Ill.) wore white gloves and carried a pillow holding an ornate crown that was placed on Moon's head. The Korean-born businessman and religious leader then delivered a long speech saying he was "sent to Earth . . . to save the world's six billion people. . . . Emperors, kings and presidents . . . have declared to all Heaven and Earth that Reverend Sun Myung Moon is none other than humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent."

But you've gotta read the whole thing too see how truly bizarre it all is.

No Nothing Tuesday. Aaaahgh! And you thought you were having a bad hair day.

Yeah, I know, there wasn't much in the way of posting today. I know that you count on me to facilitate your slack work ethic, but even I have days where I'm otherwise occupied and prevented from providing the usual slate of false indignation, feigned surprise, gratuitous rhetoric, and genuine disgust over what Bushco has done to the world. Not to mention the freak animals.

I found myself in a training session all day long today. More an opportunity for a change of pace and to get out of my office. And that's where I'll be all day tomorrow as well. I would blog while in training, but the computers don't have internet explorer. That was the first thing I checked. So amuse yourself in whatever way you consider appropriate. This is not appropriate, and it is illegal in most states.

Happy Birthday to Coco! Our little butterbean is two years old today. No offense to other cat owners out there, but she's the best female cat in the world. We used to think that Mr.Tibbs was a bit of a weirdo, but compared to this fruitcake, he's mostly normal (aside from the water fetish). Coco is constantly making noise. She's either walking around chirping like a pigeon, grunting like a pig while batting around bottle caps, or just lying on her back and meowing at nothing in particular. And while she doesn't have the same obsession with water that Tibbs has, she has a bit of a shoe fetish. She loves resting her head on shoes. Beats me.

"Take that, Rumsfeld." That seems to be the message from the Washington Post to Rumsfeld for his blaming the media for the prison torture scandal. Basically lays out the case for him to be indicted on war crimes. Wouldn't that be nice.

"Mad Monk's Member". Not your ordinary museum exhibit.

I agree with Dick Cheney. Shocking, no? Here's what he said in an interview yesterday, "The press, with all due respect, (is) often times lazy, often times simply reports what somebody else in the press said without doing their homework." Problem is, he's right for all the wrong reasons. He's pissy b/c the press is calling Bushco on their Iraq/911 lies. You have to read this article to see what a complete and total dick Dick is. But here's the kicker:

Asked if Iraq was involved in 9/11, he said, "We don't know."

"What the commission says is they can't find evidence of that," he said. "We had one report, which is a famous report on the Czech intelligence service, and we've never been able to confirm or to knock it down."

The uncorroborated Czech report, which has been widely disputed, alleged that 9/11 ringleader Mohammed Atta met with an Iraqi intelligence agent in Prague before the attacks.

Asked if he knows information that the 9/11 commission does not know, Cheney replied, "Probably."

1. The FBI investigation concluded that it could not have happened. And while the FBI has certainly made some mistakes in recent years, I'm going to take their word on this one.
2. Cheney is withholding information from the 9/11 commission? What a juvenile thing to say. If only he weren't such a dangerous bastard. And just when I'm settling in to the idea of Rummy being the most detestable member of Bushco, Cheney pulls something like this.

And here's a question. If, as Bushco says, the administration never claimed that Iraq was an "imminent" threat (lies), and if, as they now say, they never claimed that Iraq had anything to do with 9/11 (more lies), then why exactly did we go to war again? So over $120 billion has been spent on a war with a country that wasn't a threat to us and hadn't done anything to us? Hell, let's invade Switzerland while we're at it. They've got all those pocket knives, afterall. And why would they stockpile pocket knives unless they have intentions of using them against us at some point? Plus, all the clocks would make perfect parting gifts. And the Swiss always remain neutral on everything, so it's not like they've got allies who will get upset over an invasion. Especially if we give them some of those clocks. The Swiss do makes great clocks, right? At least great cocoa then.

No mas. Thanks to the mentioning of Yahoo radio on BlogSport, I started using the free service the other day. What I like about it is that you can tell the program never to play certain people ever again. My preferences should keep out the likes of Avril Lavigne and other Top 40 crap, but other junk has snuck into the rotation. So here are some bands that I've already eliminated: Korn, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, They Might Be Giants, Staind, and (of course) Creed.

I know. Very boring post indeed. Give this game a try.

Now and then. Here's what Shrub sez today about Saddam Hussein, al Qaida, and 9/11:

This administration never said that the 9-11 attacks were orchestrated between Saddam and al-Qaida.

And here's what Shrub said in a letter to Congress on the eve of the Iraq War dated March 18th, 2003:

Acting pursuant to the Constitution and Public Law 107-243 is consistent with the United States and other countries continuing to take the necessary actions against international terrorists and terrorist organizations, including those nations, organizations, or persons who planned, authorized, committed, or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001.

Call me crazy, but I think there's a slight contradiction there.
Another sign of just how stoopid some people are-- at the same time that CNN had a huge headline on their webpage yesterday about the lack of a connection between Iraq and 9/11, there was a poll asking people if Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Thirty percent said "Yes."

Congratulations, El Paso, for being named America's "Sweatiest City. We knew you could do it.

I can't help myself. From the "Things I Could Have Told You Last Year" file:

The panel investigating the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks found that there was "no credible evidence that Iraq and al Qaeda cooperated on attacks against the United States," according to a staff report issued on Wednesday.

Somebody tell Dick and Shrub.

And here's one from the "Do I Have 'Stupid' Written On My Forehead" files:

Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff was told in 2002 that Cheney's former company would receive no-bid work to secretly plan restoration of Iraq's oil facilities, but the information wasn't given to the vice president, a White House official said Tuesday.

Kevin Kellems, Cheney's spokesman, told The Associated Press he confirmed the decision not to inform Cheney with the vice president's chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby.

"The vice president was not informed" that Halliburton would get the Defense Department contract, Kellems said.

Probably the same way Scooter didn't inform Cheney about burning Valerie Plame's cover.

No Politics...um...Wednesday! Yesterday's news about Bon Jon Bone Jobi Bovi hosting a Kerry fundraiser reminded me of when Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewed Bon Jovi. And then there's the classic Triumph clip with "Star Wars" freaks. Hi-larious.

It's getting hot in herrrre. Shrub at joint press conference with Karzai today:

Q: Mr. President, there are signs that inflation may be on the horizon in the U.S. economy. How concerned are you about this? What are you -- I mean, do you think this might slow down the recovery that you've been so happy about? Also, if I can ask you a follow-up on the security about Saddam Hussein. What guarantee --

PRESIDENT BUSH: How many questions? One question apiece. If we're going to stand out here in 100-degree temperature, let's just have one question.

Q: Okay.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You can pass your question on to some other person, and I might call on them. I'm not so sure I'm going to be so international this press conference. (Laughter.) The first question was about am I concerned about economic vitality? I'm pleased with -- what?

Poor wittle pwesident has to stand out in the hot sun. Maybe someone should show Shrub the 10-day forecast for Baghdad and ask him to kindly STFU.

Pop Quiz, hotshot! Frozen french fries are: A) a fresh vegetable or B) NOT a fresh vegetable?
Did you say "B"? Silly rabbit! Everybody knows that frozen fries are a fresh vegetable. At least, according to Bush's USDA they are:

The Frozen Potato Products Institute appealed to the USDA in 2000 to change its definition of fresh produce under PACA to include batter-coated, frozen French fries, arguing that rolling potato slices in a starch coating, frying them and freezing them is the equivalent of waxing a cucumber or sweetening a strawberry.

The USDA agreed and, on June 2, 2003, the agency amended its PACA rules to include what is described in court documents as the "Batter-Coating Rule."

Tim Elliott, a Chicago attorney who recently challenged the revision in a Texas federal courtroom on behalf of a bankrupt food distributor, said defining French fries as fresh vegetables defied common sense.

"I find it pretty outrageous, really," said Elliott, who argued that the Batter-Coating Rule is so vague that chocolate-covered cherries, packed in a candy box, would qualify as fresh fruit.

If only the Reagan proposal to reclassify catsup as a vegetable had passed, then fries could count as *two* servings of vegetables!

When my younger brother was much younger, he absolutely hated most vegetables. So, my mom only made him eat as many pieces of vegetable as he was years in age. When he was 6, he only had to eat 6 green beans. And so on and so forth. But had the current rules applied back then, getting him to eat his veggies could have been easier. Funny looking back on it now since he's a balding, 4'9" tall vegetarian with transluscent skin. Or at least he's a vegetarian.

Review of "F9/11": "A really brilliant piece of work....A tribute to patriotism, to the American sense of duty, and at the same time an indictment of stupidity and avarice." What liberal propaganda machine put out this slobbering love note to Michael Moore? Why, none other than Faux News.

Speaking of propaganda machine, on the way to the store to grab some lunch, the radio dial had been left on WJFK, and it was O'Lielly time. Ol' Splotchy was yammering about how Bill Clinton is a coward because he won't enter the "No Spin Zone." Maybe it's just that Clinton has better things to do than thumb-wrestle with the man from the Westbury section of Levittown. O'Lielly was also whining that "60 Minutes" had considered him for the point/counterpoint that Clinton/Dole did a stint of a while back. But once Bubba heard that O'Lielly was being considered, he threatened to back out because he's afraid of a real fight. Yeah, O'Lielly, your time working at "A Current Affair" surely has prepared you to match wits with one of the sharpest political minds in recent history. It would've been funny though to see Bubba put him in his place, and to have O'Lielly reduced to yelling "Shut up! Just Shut Up!" a'la the LA Book Expo.

From the "You've Got to be Kidding" files, "Judge: Skilling can get interest from seized millions":

A federal judge ordered that ex-Enron CEO Jeff Skilling should get what could be about $1 million in annual interest off some of the $66 million in assets frozen by the Justice Department when he was indicted.

U.S. District Judge Sim Lake issued an order made public today that will provide Skilling with 50 percent of the interest income from the bulk of his frozen assets. The government will keep the other 50 percent and add it to the frozen funds that could be shared by victims of Enron's demise should Skilling be convicted.

Daniel Petrocelli, the Los Angeles-based head of Skilling's trial team, said Monday that though they still contest the government's right to seize any of the assets, this compromise will at least allow his client money for living expenses, taxes and insurance. He said Skilling is still "grievously prejudiced" by the ongoing freeze of the assets.

When you get caught robbing a bank, you don't get to keep your winnings, so I don't see why robbing the state of Kullyforneeyuh should be any different. But, I'm not a lawyer, I just play one on tv.

Why does Jon Bon Jovi hate America? Bon Jovi always puts a smile on my face. Not their music, mind you, just the idea of Bon Jovi.

Everything is coming up roses. And today's Doonesbury is funny. So is Toles. This is a very good post, a very productive post. Very successful, very positive, very warm. Very, very good. Terrific.

Here's a map with listings of the theaters showing "Fahrenheit 9/11." I'm sure more will be added as the 25th gets closer. There look to be several locations to choose from in the DC metro area. None yet in my hometown of Roanoke, VA, the Star City of the South. That could be the "10 Percent Mullet Rule" coming into play.

Stoopid. Not enough societal pressure on women to conform to unrealistic standards of beauty for your taste? Not satisfied with the current level of effort to objectify women? The contradicting expectation of women to be both sexual beings but also forever innocent not quite blatant enough? Are you an idiot? Well, Mattel is here to help. Now, you too can dress like Barbie:

NEW YORK (CNN/Money ) - Barbie is about to break out of her curvaceous plastic mold and turn into a living breathing person. At least that's what toymaker Mattel hopes will happen when the company launches its Barbie line of clothing and accessories for women later this year.

El Segundo, Calif.-based Mattel (MAT: Research, Estimates), the No. 1 toymaker, showcased its new Barbie brand of vintage T-shirts, cocktail dresses, shoes and coats this week in New York at the International Licensing show.

Mattel spokeswoman Elissa Goldman said the clothing collection, which debuted earlier this year in Japan, could be in U.S. stores as early as this fall.

The only catch is that the clothing will only be available to women who have tiny feet and an enormous head.

Don't call it a comeback. Here's some good news for a dreary Friday inside the blast zone. The giant panda population in China has grown significantly. You know what that means...time to bust out the ol' panda gun.

Patriot Kart

Shrub was questioned today about the Justice Department memo which argues for the legality of torture, and here's what he said:

Yes, we should fight terrorism, but we should not forget the principles on which our civilization rests, such as human rights.

Just kidding! That's what Jacques Chirac said. Here's Shrub's exchange with reporters:

Q Mr. President, the Justice Department issued an advisory opinion last year declaring that as Commander-in-Chief you have the authority to order any kind of interrogation techniques that are necessary to pursue the war on terror. Were you aware of this advisory opinion? Do you agree with it? And did you issue any such authorization at any time?

THE PRESIDENT: No, the authorization I issued, David, was that anything we did would conform to U.S. law and would be consistent with international treaty obligations. That's the message I gave our people.

Q Have you seen the memos?

THE PRESIDENT: I can't remember if I've seen the memo or not, but I gave those instructions.

....

Q Mr. President, I wanted to return to the question of torture. What we've learned from these memos this week is that the Department of Justice lawyers and the Pentagon lawyers have essentially worked out a way that U.S. officials can torture detainees without running afoul of the law. So when you say that you want the U.S. to adhere to international and U.S. laws, that's not very comforting. This is a moral question: Is torture ever justified?

THE PRESIDENT: Look, I'm going to say it one more time. If I -- maybe -- maybe I can be more clear. The instructions went out to our people to adhere to law. That ought to comfort you. We're a nation of law. We adhere to laws. We have laws on the books. You might look at those laws, and that might provide comfort for you. And those were the instructions out of -- from me to the government.

Um...no, actually, that isn't comforting when, as the reporter clearly pointed out, the government prepares a memo suggesting that torture might not be illegal, and the president might be above the law. How hard is it to say, "Torture bad"?

Here's another good snippet from the press conference regarding the Plame case:

Q Given -- given recent developments in the CIA leak case, particularly Vice President Cheney's discussions with the investigators, do you still stand by what you said several months ago, a suggestion that it might be difficult to identify anybody who leaked the agent's name?

THE PRESIDENT: That's up to --

Q And, and, do you stand by your pledge to fire anyone found to have done so?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. And that's up to the U.S. Attorney to find the facts.

Q My final point would be -- or question would be, has Vice President Cheney assured you --

THE PRESIDENT: It's up to the --

Q -- subsequent to his conversations with them, that nobody --

THE PRESIDENT: I haven't talked to the Vice President about this matter, and I suggest -- recently -- and I suggest you talk to the U.S. Attorney about that.

What a dick. I hope, I hope, I hope that case brings down his whole criminal syndicate.

Dogs
Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag
Got to find just that kind or losin' my mind
Outta sight in the night, outta sight in the day
Lookin' back on the track, gonna do it my way

Say it ain't so, Snoop! So Britney Spears blew out her knee (and that probably ain't the only thing she been blowin' out, ifyouknowwhatimsayin). But I care not about that. This is what bothers me:

The injury occurred after Spears completed outdoor scenes for the video of her new single, "Outrageous," with rapper Snoop Dogg in the New York City borough of Queens. Spears was doing choreography when her knee gave out, Jive said.

That's just sad, Snoop. Ten years ago you were on top of the rap world. The bite of your Dogg Pound could not be tamed. You proudly inquired "Guess who's back in the motherf***in house, with a fat d*** for your motherf***in mouth?" Murder was the case that they gave you, Snoop. When you were rolling down the street, smoking indo, sipping on gin and juice, we turned a blind eye to your reckless behavior. And when you asked America, "What's my name, fool?", dammit, everybody knew exactly what your name was, Calvin.
Why, Snoop D-o-double-g? Why?

"What's AIDS?" AIDS is funny. Or at least Reagan's press secretary thought so. Maybe it was all so hi-larious that it took Reagan until 1987 to be able to say "AIDS" in public without snickering.

BREAKING NEWS: Reagan is still dead.

Oh, and the "war on terror"? Looks like Bushco isn't doing such a swell job afterall. Terrorism could be at a 20 year high. Now, I'm not an expert on these matters, but I don't think that's a good thing. At least the administration hasn't done anything else incredibly stupid to increase anti-American sentiment like arguing that torture is justifiable and that Shrub isn't bound by the Geneva Conventions.
Thanks, George. Thanks, Dick. Thanks, Rummy. Thanks, Condi. Thanks, Colin. Thanks, Crisco John. You all rock! When someone eventually straps on a bomb and lights up a Starbucks or a McDonalds, we'll know where to send the thankyou card. Fuckers.

Flight of the Saudis. Soon after 9/11, a rumor started making the rounds on the internet that a group of Saudis was secretly flown out of the country even while all private air traffic had been suspended. There was speculation that the group included members of the Saudi royal family, and members of OBL's family. Buscho, of course, denied having any knowledge of anything of the sort ever happening. Funny, because it did happen.

Laura Bush to Alzheimers patients: Piss off.

“We have to be really careful between what we want to do for science and what we should do ethically and the stem cell issue is certainly one of those issues that we need to treat very carefully,” Mrs. Bush said on “The Early Show” on CBS.

On ABC’s “Good Morning America,” Mrs. Bush referred to alternatives to “abusing embryos” in research. “There are stem cell embryos ready that people can use for research, but it’s a very delicate line,” she said.

Popularity Contest. Lookee here.

Millions more wasted, and the media is making a big hullaballoo about it. Yes, that's right, a hullaballoo. The Pentagon has spent over $100 million on unused plane tickets and on false claims made by Pentagon employees for trips they never took. The funny thing (and it's really funny) is that many of the unused tickets could have been refunded. Har har. And even funnier is that at the same time, soldiers returning from Iraq have had to pay for their flights home with their own money.

Yes, this is another sign of government waste. But you know what gets me just slightly more pissed off? The $100 billion spent in Iraq. It's like someone kicking and screaming that they lost a dollar, and meanwhile $1000 is being lifted from under the mattress.

It's as sad as people expressing more anger over charges of "voter disenfranchisement" in the voting for "American Idol" (one woman compared it to the Florida controversy of 2000) than the level of concern and anger over actual voter disenfranchisement and the theft of an election.

I want most of my debt forgiven too. Maybe I should convince Bushco that I'm hoarding (imaginary) stockpiles of WMD. Then they'll just make all my debt go away, just like they want to do with Iraq.

Me thinks that perhaps the Bushies have been reading The Onion again. From the February 24, 2004 edition:

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.
"Nobody likes making cuts, but the nation's current rate of spending and the decreased tax revenues we've seen since implementing my tax cuts have created a deficit that we can't afford to carry," Bush said in a nationally televised address. "Someone had to have the vision, leadership, and courage to go in and erase that line altogether, no matter how unpopular and impossible that may be."

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the $477 billion deficit is the country's largest ever, easily topping the previous record of $290 billion in 1992. If the budget is approved, however, the deficit will roll down to $0.0 billion.

In the past, critics have accused the Bush Administration of responding to a mounting deficit and the ongoing recession with unsound fiscal policies like cutting taxes for the wealthy. Bush supporters say the deficit cut proves the wisdom of the president's economic plan.

"Bush has taken a brave step, one that was long overdue," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said. "He has taken charge of the budget problem once and for all, simply by saying 'The deficit stops here.'"

Faced with the difficult choice of either cutting government programs or raising taxes, Bush reportedly arrived at the radical new "deficit-cutting" solution late Sunday night, only hours before he was to announce his budget.

"I was staring at the figure for the deficit, and I decided that it simply could not stand," Bush said. "It was too high. Something had to be done. But Americans have been taxed and taxed. I say 'Enough taxes.' By my estimation, this historical crossing-out of the deficit will save American taxpayers millions, billions, and perhaps even bajillions of dollars."

The president then turned to Section 14-D of the official budget document, where the federal government's total expenditures, the GNP, and the difference between the two were listed. Using a black Sharpie, the president crossed out the third figure, eliminating it entirely.

But..but...but Jack Bauer did it. I missed this chapter in Civics class in 8th grade. I guess we were too busy watching Jimi Hendrix's performance at Woodstock.

Out of the office Monday. Two quick items:
1. Watch for Shrub some time in the near future to start using "Win one for the Gipper" in his stump speeches. Cheaply exploiting Raygun's death for his own purposes is just too easy to pass up.
2. Why is Jennifer Lopez so crazy?

Creed is history! Huzzah!!! Hoo-ray!!! Creed is no longer. The band has finally broken up, putting everyone out of collective misery. Let us return to some earlier unanswered questions:

If when together, Creed is incredibly bad, just really really bad, then what will happen when each member pursues a solo career? Will Scott Stapp be even worse on his own, or will his power to bring cheesy rock ballads be weakened? Can he strike the Jesus Christ-pose on his own, or is it the collective dark energy of Creed that makes him such a tool? It's like when there's a huge flock of pigeons, together they can leave a massive amount of bird crap in their wake. But when they're apart, they still crap everywhere. So no matter what the members of Creed do, we can expect to see a whole lotta crap.

Creed's dissolution is a beginning. Maybe Good Charlotte, Blink 182, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Puddle of Mudd will soon follow suit.
(on edit: Mad props to Heidi for bringing the good word)

O.J. is crazy. Among other insane things, O.J. Simpson says that he'd like to be the next Asston Kutcher with his own prank show called "Juiced." Episode 1: O.J. has an accomplice tow Fred Durst's car, and then when Durst is complaining, O.J. sneaks up and stabs him then yells, "Ha! You got 'Juiced'! Aww yeah!".
Reminds me of the "Weekend Update" segment on SNL when Tim Meadows was acting as O.J., sketching out plays for a football game, and he writes "I did it" on the dry-erase board.
Good gawd y'all, hard to believe it's been 10 years since the Bronco ride.

And the winner is.... The voting is in a stalemate. There is equal love out there for the dangerously mclargehuge cat and the smaller but cuter kitten with four ears. But, I said that there can only be winners and losers in my banana republic. And so, in the spirit of Bush V. Gore, I will disregard all case law and impose my own will on the citizenry. Therefore, I have decided that the winner, and Supreme Freak of Nature 2004 is...

Mikesch!!!

What does Mikesch win? Other than our undying love, probably a life filled with health problems leading to a premature death.

In the meantime, we will search the globe for a 40 pound cat that also has 4 ears. That would be most excellent.

Voting ends today at 1:00 for the Supreme Freak of Nature. It's a dead heat.

New campaign slogan: "Bush/Cheney: It Could Have Been Worse.":

"A lot of things didn't happen that we thought might happen, the oil production, for example," Bush told Italian television. "We thought that would be blown up, and it would cost the Iraqi citizens a lot of money. It wasn't." "We thought that people would go hungry, or there would be mass refugees - neither of which happened," the US President said...."Now, I wish the Iraqi people had overwhelmingly said, 'thank you' for coming. I think they will," Bush hoped. "But some didn't. Some said, 'let's fight them'". (link)

Yay for the oil fields! It didn't cost the Iraqis a lot of money! It only cost U.S. taxpayers $115 billion and change. Jeepers, that's swell! And while some Iraqis, according to Shrub, said "let's fight them" (though I doubt those were their exact words...jeebus, the bad guys on "G.I.Joe" were more well-scripted than that), one extremely arrogant prick said, "Bring 'em on."

Shrub's right though. Rather than overseeing the loss of 2.5 million jobs, everyone could have lost their job. And rather than take us into one unnecessary war with ginned up intelligence, they could have taken us into two, maybe three boondoggles. Rather than give away simply most of the tax cuts to the wealthy, they could have given it all to the wealthy. Two CIA operatives working on WMD could've been outed, not just the one. Halliburton could have been given every contract in Iraq. Cheney could have actually let Shrub make the major decisions. Evil projectile-vomiting zombies could have rampaged through the cities.
See? It could've been a helluva lot worse. So don't give in to the terrorists' desires by voting for a peacenik sissy like John Kerry in the fall.

Shrub has lawyered-up in reaction to the direction that the Plame case is going. This would suggest a good chance that he could be called to testify in front of the grand jury. And some are speculating that Bush knew about the leak and did nothing to stop it.

Speaking of investigations, the FBI has brought out the polygraph machine in an effort to find out who told Chalabi that we had the Iranians communication codes. Maybe they can get Lynndie England to "loosen up" some of the suspects.

Who the hell needs the Scott Peterson trial when you've got this stuff going on? This is far more intriguing. Package this in a "Law & Order" style format, and you've got a hit show. Especially if Det.Lenny Briscoe is put on the case.

George Tenet is out. He resigned today. Shrub sez that Tenet did a "superb job" as director of the CIA. Hmm...oversaw 9/11...claimed that case for WMD in Iraq was a "slam dunk"...yes, superb indeed. It'll be interesting to see what he has to say in the coming weeks and months about his tenure with the Bushies. Of course, he's been a slackjawed lackey of theirs for three years, so maybe nothing different should be expected now.

"Now watch this drive." Watch the trailer for "Fahrenheit 9/11." This movie is going to be awesome. (here's another link)

Class rings. The Onion has an advice column this week, "Ask a Jostens Class-Ring Salesman." Ah, so funny. I think that somewhere in my room at my mom's house, I would probably be able to find my old class ring. Telling me not to buy a real gold ring was one of the better pieces of advice I've gotten from my mom over the years (second only to her suggestion that I always have a "butt buddy" after I fell into a prickly pear cactus mountain biking in Tucson). The wisest decision would have been to pass on the class ring altogether, but those folks from Jostens could sell sand to a crab (impressive considering the crab's inability to comprehend capitalism). I went with the lustrium ring w/ the faux emerald quadra cut, and on the sides were my astrological sign and some other crap. I wore the ring throughout 10th grade, semi-frequently during 11th, and rarely in 12th (generally only when we were kicking the crap out of those punks from Cave Spring...we sure taught those 7th graders).
And you really can get a class ring for home-schooled kids.

Making America Safer. Amazing, really, just how dangerous the current administration and its friends are. From today's Post:

The FBI is investigating an intercepted Iranian message that alleges Iraqi exile leader Ahmed Chalabi told Tehran officials that the United States had broken Iran's secret code, U.S. officials said.

The message alleges Chalabi said he had been told about the code-breaking by a drunken U.S. official, one senior Bush administration official said.

Just who is this drunken U.S. official who is giving away the company secrets? The odds on favorite for this one is Richard Perle.

And to apply the Clinton Test---can you imagine if a buddy of Clinton's had illegally passed on classified information to a sketchy character who then gave that information to Iran, thus setting back intelligence operations for who knows how long?

This just puts an interesting light on Shrub's comments from yesterday, saying "My meetings with him (Chalabi) were very brief. I think I met with him at the State of the Union and just kind of working through the rope line, and he might have come with a group of leaders. But I haven't had any extensive conversations with him." Chalabi? Who? Never heard of him.

So maybe it was Laura Bush who got soused and blabbed to Chalabi. He was, afterall, one of her special guests at the State of the Union Address. Alternatively, we could just call that one, "First Lady Invites Iranian Spy to State of the Union."

Stay the course. What a doofus.

June 25th has been announced as the release date for "Fahrenheit 9/11." Hooray. I know what I'm doing that weekend.

Run-Off Poll!!! The concensus from the latest poll seems to be that everyone loves freakish cats. Mikesch, the 40-pound German cat, is in a tie with Lilly, the four-eared kitten, for being named the favorite freak of nature. There can be no tie. There will only be winners and losers in my world (except on The WB's "Superstar USA" where everyone is a loser). So please vote in the special run-off election so that we can crown one special kitty the Supreme Freak of Nature. The winner will be named on Friday.

Who will get your vote? Mikesch, or Lilly?

It's June already? It seems like just yesterday it was May.