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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Exhibit A.
Exhibit B.
Exhibit C.

From Exhibit A:
VARGAS: When you look back on those days immediately following when Katrina struck, what moment do you think was the moment that you realized that the government was failing, especially the people of New Orleans?

BUSH: When I saw TV reporters interviewing people who were screaming for help. It looked — the scenes looked chaotic and desperate. And I realized that our government was — could have done a better job of comforting people.
First off, he's lying. And secondly-- "comforting people"?? Comforting people??? These people didn't need fucking "comforting," you dipshit. They needed water, food, shelter, and medicine, not some fucking Bill Clinton "I feel your pain" Hallmark moment. Comforting.

I swear, I don't necessarily look forward to growing old, but I do look forward to one day sitting on a porch, sipping iced tea, and telling my grandkids about that goddam idiot George W. Bush as I weave a tapestry of obscenities that will be still be hanging in space long after I'm gone.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
Luke: I'm sorry.
Dr. Evazan: I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.

Poll results show that people no likey Shrub. Can we please, please, please all agree that this is an unpopular president given a 34% approval rating, 17% saying he cares a lot about people like them, and 29% favorable of Shrub the person.

Plus, only 30% approve of Shrub's handling of Iraq and 63% say it's going badly. So why is that not reflected among politicians or in the media?

Unnatural Mail.
2/27/95 UC Downstairs
Letters from home, [Unnatural Man]?
That would have been a Monday. My day probably went like this: 9:00 World Geography (earth formation, weather systems, blah blah, probably fell asleep); 10:00 Principles of Sociology (got a B+ in that one); 11:00 Western Art Music (classical music plus dim lighting plus comfy seats equals more sleep); 12:00 Intro to Philosphy (Descartes and friends). I was making an effort that semester to skip fewer classes, so I probably actually went to all four (sleeping, however, was apparently fine). And then it was over to the UC for a chicken sandwich, fries, a slice of pie/cake of some sort, and the checking of the mailboxes where we saw the Man. After that, I likely went back to the dorm, jotted down the details of the siting, and took a nap before playing some foosball. Being 18 was tough.

To assist in the timewarp back to This Date in Unnatural History, here is the Late Show Top Ten for that day, and here is what was served up as a political scandal at the time. Nothing about prison abuse, lying the country into an unnecessary war, bungled responses to national emergencies, outing of CIA operatives for political gain, illegal wiretapping on a massive scale, the Veep shooting a man in the face, etc. etc.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Hell's still hot, pigs won't fly, and you can still smoke in Virginia's restaurants.
Flirtations with smoking bans in Virginia and Maryland came to abrupt ends yesterday, as legislative panels in each state rejected bills that would have made restaurants and virtually all other public places smoke-free.

In Virginia, a House of Delegates subcommittee unanimously rejected a bill that had won Senate approval despite the state's long-standing ties to the tobacco industry.
"The problem is, I want to have smoke-free restaurants and businesses. But in America, you don't pass a law to tell a private business owner who is paying rent or mortgage payments what he can and can't do in his own place," said Del. David B. Albo (R-Fairfax).
Actually, we do pass such laws. But that's beside the point. So if you go out to a bar in Virginia, drink too much, and throw up all over the place, you'll still reek of smoke.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Remember this?

This was the proposed logo for the short-lived Total Information Awareness program which was shut down before it even got started. If by "shut down" you mean "not."

I didn't really care about any issues regarding civil liberties, privacy, or the 4th Amendment. No, my major problem was with the logo itself. Seriously, what were they thinking? Using the All-Seeing-Eye, one of the most important symbols in freemason lore, and symbol of the Illuminati's plan for a New World Order? Why not just throw in a pentagram why don't you?

All your uterus are belong to us.

South Dakota has passed a law banning abortion in virtually all cases. Gee, didn't see that one coming down the pike. Good thing nobody thought that Roberts' or Alito's position on abortion was really much of an issue. Thanks, America. You rule.
The guy pictured above on the left voted for the law. I knew he reminded me of someone.

The Cracker Crib released its own 228-page report identifying 17 "lessons learned" and 125 specific recommendations following from "response" to Hurricane Katrina. Sadly, I don't think one of the recommendations is "Don't hire as head of FEMA the guy who has more experience with Arabian horses than with emergencies." Or, "When a huge disaster hits, the President should stop playing guitar and, if he must, cut his vacation short."

Instead, the report called for implementation of a new "National Preparedness System" to avoid another bungled response like that to Katrina.

Hmmm...I thought that we already tried doing something like that...what was it called...oh yeah--the Department of Homeland Security. According to the DHS Vision Statement:

We will lead the unified national effort to secure America. We will prevent and deter terrorist attacks and protect against and respond to threats and hazards to the nation. We will ensure safe and secure borders, welcome lawful immigrants and visitors, and promote the free-flow of commerce.

AWARENESS – Identify and understand threats, assess vulnerabilities, determine potential impacts, and disseminate timely information to our homeland security partners and the American public.

PREVENTION – Detect, deter, and mitigate threats to our homeland.

PROTECTION – Safeguard our people and their freedoms, critical infrastructure, property, and the economy of our Nation from acts of terrorism, natural disasters, or other emergencies.

RESPONSE – Lead, manage, and coordinate the national response to acts of terrorism, natural disasters, or other emergencies.

RECOVERY – Lead national, state, local, and private sector efforts to restore services and rebuild communities after acts of terrorism, natural disasters, or other emergencies.

SERVICE – Serve the public effectively by facilitating lawful trade, travel and immigration.

ORGANIZATIONAL EXCELLENCE – Value our most important resource, our people. Create a culture that promotes a common identity, innovation, mutual respect, accountability, and teamwork to achieve efficiencies, effectiveness, and operational synergies.
Gee, it seems to me that some might want to call that sort of plan a "National Preparedness System." But those people are probably just patchouli-scented liberal elite who hate America.

"I'm a war president!"

It's really something to watch this mini-revolution among the Bush authoritarian cultists over the UAE port deal, and watching Bushco spin this one as, "No, these are the good Arabs," and then, "The President had no idea what was going on."

And while Joe Lieberman is standing by his man on this one, Rep.Sue Myrick (R-NC) is having none of it.
Dear Mr President: In regards to selling American ports to the United Arab Emirates, not just NO but HELL NO!
Signed, Sue Myrick. But this gets at my earlier point regarding xenophobic rhetoric. You see, Sue Myrick also said this back in 2003:
"You know, and this can be misconstrued, but honest to goodness (husband) Ed and I for years, for 20 years, have been saying, 'You know, look at who runs all the convenience stores across the country.' Every little town you go into, you know?"
- U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), who as the Charlotte Observer reported, "confided in a speech that she had been driving, worried, around the country for decades fueled by suspicions about Arab and Arab-looking convenience store owners." [2/7/03]
Sue Myrick, winning hearts and minds since 1995.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

This is what democracy looks like.

It's like my homeboy Donald Rumsfeld, aka Devious Honey Donald G., says, "Democracy is messy."

What was that, Dick? Something about "last throes"? Freedom is marching like a mofo.

[alternative thread title and picture]
[Too late, Axl.]

Tonedeaf Jams. After working 24/7 (24 hours a week, 7 months a year) for the last four and a half years to gin up fear and loathing of the Middle East, is Shrub really so surprised that outsourcing control of U.S. ports to the UAE would backfire because of--you guessed it-- fear and loathing of the Middle East? Well, yeah, probably so given how well their "Trust us, we'll protect you, don't you worry your pretty little head about nothing" approach has gone for Bushco.

I'm a little put off by all the xenophobic rhetoric being tossed around. But I don't think it's the best idea ever. And I think if someone wants to make a real point about security here, it should be focused on the fact that only 5 to 7 percent of the cargo coming into our ports is actually inspected.

This and this don't help Bush's "fair play for good people" sell.

Whatever. You don't care about this. You just want more video of another really fat cat.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dispatches from Roanoke. Reader Joel emails:
Ooh, a drunk lady just fell off the curb into the street right in front of stef’s desk, and the ambulance is here putting her on the stretcher. The cops pulled a flask from her purse. It’s just all too exciting for a Tuesday.
Too exciting indeed.

Yesterday in Unnatural History.
2/20/95 UC Dinner
Lookin paranoid-- and for good reason!

This Day in Unnatural History.
2/21/95 UC Dinner
Two nights in a row!!! Unnatural!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Gordo Gato. Here it is. Video of a very fat cat in China.

Happy President's Day. Fitzgerald is still hard at work on the Plame case. NSC, Cheney Aides Conspired to Out CIA Operative. Rove is still on the hot seat, and Fitzgerald is apparently still looking at Cheney's involvement. Good times.

Developing Story: Thirty-plus pound cat reported in China. No links available yet. So until then, remember Mikesch and the four-eared cat?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Blog On Demand. Two items sent in as requests, one from a former blogger, and the other from my Firearms Safety Correspondent.

From the former blogger, we learn of The Ugly Face of Crime. Attractiveness associated with deviance. Not particularly groundbreaking in its assertion, and the evidence is based on a survey in which the interviewers are asked to rate the attractiveness of the student on a 1-5 scale. It's less likely that poorer students would be able to afford the nice clothes, or have the nice haircuts, or well-applied make-up that more well-to-do students would likely have. Also, poorer students tend to lack the cultural capital possessed by wealthier students. These things probably factor into the interviewers' assessments. But what do I know?

From my Firearms Safety Correspondent, a request to mention Roanoke's heroin-meteorology connection. Apparently other than what to do with Victory Stadium, it's all people in town can talk about. One weatherman overdosed recently, and another weatherman has also admitted to being on the smack. Really, it makes sense. Calling the weather is probably a stressful job. The livelihood of thousands of kids is resting on your shoulders. And it must be a total powertrip to know that you can cause thousands of people to rush out to the grocery and buy bulk amounts of bread, milk, and eggs. Because in this day and age, we clearly lack the technology to survive a few inches of snow, each snowfall pushing us to the brink of the endtimes.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Bad Week for Jesus Christ Pose.
Scott Stapp, former lead singer for the massive turd known as Creed, is having one bad week. First, he gets arrested for being drunk at LAX. And now, a tape has surfaced which apparently shows Jesus Christ Pose and Kid Bizkit having sex. Not with each other.

I'm only mentioning this b/c it's part of the JCP news beat. And no, I'm not going to give you a link to where you can watch a portion of the tape.

People Who Have No Place Showing Up In My Dreams.

#1: Lynne Cheney, author and wife of the Vice President (who shot a man in the face)
Should I be having a dream that I am visiting the White House for whatever reason, you have no place showing up in my dream. Were I to be visiting the Old Executive Office in my dream, then I would expect that you would be out of town and unavailable for making an appearance, perhaps because you had a book burning to attend. Your husband, the Vice President who shot a man in the face, and his little buddy George have made numerous cameos in my dreams. Usually, I am yelling at them and hurling a variety of insults and accusations their way. This is to be expected as I am not quite stable. But you, Mrs.Cheney, have no reason to be there. Though you were not entirely unwelcoming, and you did give me a short tour of the place. Still though, please stay away.

(Note: This was a couple of months ago, and it has taken me a while to get over the trauma and be able to speak about this in public....and keep your dirty little minds to yourselves)

Vote for Pedro. Firedoglake is sponsoring Dickfest, a Dick Cheney poetry contest. My entry (the post below) is listed as #27. Top three vote-getters from each round move on to the finals.

Just sayin.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dick Cheney shot a man in the face.

You heard it here first. Harry Whittington, the septuagenarian that Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face with a shotgun, is a manimal. That is why Dick Cheney had to shoot him. It was a matter of national security. And the fact that we are talking about it here is harmful to the fight against manimals. Manimals everywhere must be laughing at us now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Return of the Unnatural.
2/1?/95 ODU Parking Lot
"This guy is an asshole."
I believe that those were my friend Adam's words. I can't recall what provoked the statement. Not that such a thing was unusual. It was typical for a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds to be pouring out of him. And while I'm at it, here's one that I forgot to post a few weeks ago:
1/26/95 UC Dinner
New "do" for the Man-- unnaturally similar to Luke Perry...possible new license tags?

BREAKING NEWS: Dick Cheney shot five more senior citizens in the face.

Okay, so maybe he didn't. But if he did, it would be their own fault.

Others have raised more questions regarding the shooting. Particularly, would a .28 gauge from 30 yards have enough force to go through Whittington's clothes and lodge next to his larynx and in his liver. I asked my own Firearms Safety Correspondent (who pointed out his own resemblance to this guy) for his expert opinion:
As for the 30 yard shot, it's hard to say if it had enough force to go that deep. Old farts tend to have thin skin and not much meat on their bones and if he wasn't wearing a lot of clothes, then I suppose if could penetrate that deep. It does seem a bit odd, though.
The shooting occurred close to sundown on a cold, windy afternoon. Odd indeed.

And it would be irresponsible of me to suggest that Cheney was drunk when he shot the old man in the face. Linking to others asking that question, however, is the responsible thing to do. (After all, if nine years ago someone suggested to you that Bill Clinton was having oral sex in the Oval Office with an intern, would you have believed it? Okay, bad example. Insert joke here regarding "shooting" and "face.")

And please, stop saying that Whittington, the 78 year old man that Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face, had a heart attack. The preferred terminology is irregular heart rhythm. Or, as I prefer to call it, a heart oopsie.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's day, everybody.

Jesus Christ Pose. Everybody today is talking about how the 78 year old man that Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face had a heart attack. Or, in White House speak, the careless person who was peppered with bird shot after sneaking up on Dick Cheney had a heart oopsie today, reminding us all of the need for tort reform so that doctors can practice their love on patients.

It's a shame, really. Because as a consequence, attention has likely been drawn away from Scott Stapp's arrest for public intoxication at LAX. No word yet on whether or not he said to the arresting officers, "311, I am ready to fight." We'll be keeping an eye out for his new mugshot to go along with his old mugshot. (thanks to my Legal Counsel for bringing this piece of news to my attention)

Monday, February 13, 2006

Virginia Senate Passes Indoor Smoking Ban
RICHMOND, Feb. 13 -- The Virginia State Senate voted Monday to ban smoking in restaurants and virtually all public places, a surprisingmove in a state that is home to the worldwide headquarters of Philip Morris and some of the nation's largest tobacco farms.

The body narrowly approved the measure after a short but fiery debate over the public health risks of secondhand smoke and consumer choice.

The bill, sponsored by a Republican from Roanoke, would make smoking illegal in all public workplaces, with the exception of certain tobacco stores and offices. The prohibition would extend to bars, eateries and bowling alleys.

Well that's certainly surprising. Of course, it still has to pass the House of Delegates. And that's where they keep the real winners.

But that would be fantastic if it happens. There's nothing worse than passing out on the bathroom floor with your ass hanging over the toilet and waking up with your jeans soaked because the pant legs dipped down into the toilet water (which is a relief b/c at first you thought you had pissed yourself), and then having your clothes reek of cigarette smoke. I hate it when that happens.

Dick. So Cheney shot a millionaire while on a canned hunt at a private ranch. Salt of the Earth. And then didn't bother to tell anyone until the next day. Cuz really, it's no big deal. The guy was only "sprayed" with "birdshot" and was "knocked silly." Sounds like fun if you ask me! Thankyou sir, may I have another?

Anyway, it was the guy's own fault for sneaking up on Cheney like that. And Mary Matalin assures us that Cheney "was not careless or incautious or violate any of the [rules]. He didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do." Except, you know, shoot somebody.

I asked my Firearms Safety Correspondent for his reaction. He says, "You should ALWAYS know where everyone is at all time so you don't do something stupid like that."

Obviously, he's just a partisan crank who hates America.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Shrub attends the unveiling of a bronze bust presented in honor of his service in the Texas Air National Guard.

Other bronze busts at the National Guard headquarters do not recall ever seeing the Bush bronze bust whose whereabouts could not be confirmed. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that rumors of the Bush bronze bust being packed with pure Colombian cocaine are "Totally ridiculous."

(All praise be to Vroom Vroom for her photoshop skillz)

Friday, February 10, 2006

Heckuva Job.

Brownie went off on Norm Coleman today in the Senate hearings. And for a moment, I liked the guy.

Once again, Norm got kicked in what used to be his very bad teeth.

The Blame Game. So now we have this news that on the night Hurricane Katrina hit, Bushco was informed that the levees had broken, and much of New Orleans was descending into the next level of hell. So what does Shrub do? Why, he stayed on vacation and played the guitar.

But let's not just blame Shrub. That would be unfair. Afterall, Cheney was flyfishing, and Condi was living it up in NYC, taking in a Broadway show, hanging out at the U.S. Open, and purchasing some new shoes. And Brownie...well, we all know Brownie was doing a heckuva job.

That's leadership, baby. That's also why I sometimes go a little crazy.

Ritz. Saltine. Club. Mary Matalin.

Well, here's one spin that certainly seems novel.
I mean, you know, I think these civil rights leaders are nothing more than racists. And they're keeping constituency, they're keeping their neighborhoods and their African-American brothers enslaved.
Poor choice of words much? Mary Matalin's boss is Dick Cheney. Cheney voted against the creation of a holiday for MLK. Cheney also voted against releasing Nelson Mandela. Just sayin.

Here's to you, Mary Matalin. You've earned today's warm glass of shut the hell up.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Recommended viewing/listening.
Bloc Party, "Helicopter";
System of a Down, "BYOB";
Billy Ocean, "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car"

Or, if you prefer, a monkey washing a cat.

MYOB. So glad we have white people to complain about how civil rights leaders' funerals should be conducted.

On an unrelated note, did you hear the one about George Deutsch, a 24 year old former Bush-Cheney 04 worker who got a job at NASA telling career scientists that the Big Bang is just an "opinion" despite qualificiations of only having worked on a college newspaper, and then resigned after it was revealed he never graduated college and likely lied on his application? Heckuva job, Georgie.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

People Who Have No Place Showing Up In My Dreams.

#2: Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO).
If I'm having a dream about dining in a restaurant, you have no place showing up in my dream. The other night, you had no reason to appear at the table behind me, causing me to make loud derogatory comments about you that you were certain to overhear. But you have good hair. And in my dream, your eyebrows were not nearly as freaky as in reality. Still though, do not come back.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Swova. On occasion, I read the Letters to the Editor on the Roanoke Times website. I don't know why. The letters can be classified along a few basic lines--complaints about the "liberal bias" of the paper (truthiness sells back home), jawing about stadiums for local high schools, Hokie football, and traffic. Oh, and fear of brown people:
Illegal immigrants will take over Roanoke

My concern is the influx of illegals into Virginia, and, more important, here in Roanoke.

I and two other friends recently bought homes here because of the beautiful old homes and the rich American history.

We want to live as Americans. We moved here from Southern California, which has been overrun with illegals.

If the good citizens of this area refuse to open their eyes to what is beginning to happen here, my heart fears this area, too, will become overrun by illegals.

At present, English in Southern California is a second language, with Spanish being the primary language.

This will be Virginia's fate, and more tragically, Roanoke's, unless awareness is brought about.

My heart sank recently. As I was driving in the city, I observed at two different homes the Mexican flag flying outside their doors.

This in itself may not sound too terrible. But we're at war. Our men and women are fighting and dying in Iraq, not Mexico.

It all starts with small steps. I pray that together we can change the fate of Southwest Virginia before it's too late.

Susan R. Larsen
I don't know Susan Larsen. But I understand her fear. Like Susan, I know that if we let too many Mexican flags fly freely over our land (especially those parts taken from Mexico), then it will only be a matter of time before we will be submitted to forced internment in Spanish-immersion courses. And then what next? What sort of flags will people be flying freely if we follow down this dangerous path? The French flag? That will be a cold day in Hell, friends. No way we're going to let people think that American soldiers would ever dare to die in France! No, we should follow Susan's proud logic and all hoist up the flagpole the Iraqi flag. That is where soldiers are dying every day. I have no doubt that Susan would be greatly comforted to drive through her neighborhood and see in front of every house the Iraqi flag flowing in the wind.

Like Susan, I know Roanoke. Roanoke is soft. Roanoke is weak. Roanoke is dimwitted. Though Roanoke County boasts a population of 87,679 of which 93.6% are white and 1% are of Hispanic or Latino origin (1.5% in the city), it is ripe to be conquered.

And who more qualified to conquer the Star City of the South than immigrants who have proven their grit by working the jobs that the liberal elite in their patchouli-scented enclaves wouldn't think to touch with their delicate, milky-white, neatly manicured hands, at wages that barely allow for subsistence. This is indeed the greatest threat to the American way of life.

I call on all Roanokers to take advantage of the geographic location in which God has placed you, make use of the mountains that surround the land that was taken from Native Americans and which you have fought for all these years. Others might say that the valley was created over millions of years of procession and recession of glaciers. Bah. How can that be when the Earth is only 6000 years old?

Build a wall, Roanoke. You are in a valley. The mountains have given you a head start. Fulfill your destiny. Before it is too late, and before the Mill Mountain Star is torn down and replaced with some other clunky neon structure. Do it for the kids. Do it for America.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Bush is a liar. But you already knew that.:
Tony Blair told President George Bush that he was "solidly" behind US plans to invade Iraq before he sought advice about the invasion's legality and despite the absence of a second UN resolution, according to a new account of the build-up to the war published today.

A memo of a two-hour meeting between the two leaders at the White House on January 31 2003 - nearly two months before the invasion - reveals that Mr Bush made it clear the US intended to invade whether or not there was a second UN resolution and even if UN inspectors found no evidence of a banned Iraqi weapons programme.
Gee, I thought Shrub said "We are doing everything we can to avoid war in Iraq."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

X-Files. Regarding Shrub's call for a war on human-animal hybrids, my Legal Counsel asks, "Humans are animals too....aren't they?"

Hmmm...yes, yes we are animals. Which begs the question: What does the President know that we don't?

SOTU. No, I didn't watch. But I've read a few accounts. And this passage seems to have piqued the interest of a lot of people:
Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids....
Human-animal hybrids? Shrub must be talking about super-science.

ZW asks in comments: BTW -where's the traditional "can't believe it's Feb already" posting?

You're kidding, right? February? Seriously? Seems like just yesterday it was January.

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