Happy 666.

Bloggus Interruptus. You may have noticed that I've been on a vacation from blogging. If you didn't notice, I'll assume it's because you were too busy looking at that monkey riding a cat. I know, it's really quite something.

Anyway. I'm in the middle of a slightly planned blogging service interruption. And after this post, I'm going to resume the break. I just wanted to give you loyal readers a heads-up so that you can find another way to waste your time and your employer's money for the next week.

After that, it's quite likely that I'll log back in for one final post to shut down this little operation. Honestly, I've been bored with this for a while. And had it not been for the pure comedy gold provided by the Ben Domenech series of blog posts, I'd have probably stopped blogging two months ago. I've thought about setting up a group blog, but that doesn't even sound like much fun. And when something stops being fun, it's time to quit. Like crystal meth.

So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Birthday Liveblogging.


That's right, it's my muthatruckin birthday today. I have a little bit of time left where I'm technically still in my 20s until the 5:00 hour when thirty years ago I was forced out into this godforsaken world. That picture of me is one of my favorites because that was the last picture taken before I entered an awkward phase that continues to this day. And check out that t-shirt. Hip, my friends, totally hip.

So what are my plans for the big 3-0? Simple. Indian food and a bottle of Chimay Grande Reserve. It's my gift to myself not to do anything more than that.

So it might not be as exciting as:
--the water balloon toss at my 8th birthday party where the water balloons were shaken in a lewd manner (caught on video)
--the Putt-Putt party where I invited 15 kids which was probably about 14 too many
--12th birhday when I asked for and got a pogo-stick.
--17th or 18th birthday when I specifically requested pan-fried hotdogs and macaroni and cheese
--21st birthday spent in Madrid; went to a bullfight then had a party on the roof of the hostel until the police showed up
--22nd birthday where my ice cream cake was misspelled "Happy Brithday, James." My future Legal Counsel apologized, but I would probably not have remembered it otherwise (note: it was the guy at Friendly's who did the misspelling)
--25th birthday--tequila and a Hustler t-shirt. If you have to ask, please don't.

But this is exactly what I want. And it beats last year.

And Mr.Fitzgerald, I really would appreciate that indictment of Karl Rove today.

Bush Rating at 29%
That means it's time for a monkey washing a cat.

Don't worry about the government monitoring your phone calls. Don't worry about continued violence in the Middle East and Bushco's jonesing for war against Iran. Don't worry about rising national debt and more tax giveaways to the rich and to oil companies. Don't worry about bribes and defense contractors and congressmen and hookers. Don't worry about torture. Don't worry about paperless e-voting. Don't worry about global warming. Don't worry about the bird flu. Don't worry about Britney Spears being pregnant again.

Don't worry because there's a goddam monkey riding a motherfuckin cat.

Holy crap! There are tens of millions of al Qaeda living in the U.S.!

"Do you think firefighting is a dangerous job?"
The phone just rang, and caller ID showed up as "Unknown." Gee, I wonder what that could mean. It's either a telemarketer, or one of my many stalkers hit *67 before dialing. There are two options here--ignore the call, knowing that whoever it is will just call back later; or, take the call and tell the person that Mr.Me has the bird flu and won't be available for a while. So, I answer the phone, notice the two second delay, and wait for, "Mr.You, how are you doing today? I'm calling on behalf of the Maryland state fire fighters association. Do you think firefighting is a dangerous job?"

Do I think it's a dangerous job? Hmmm....let me see....it's a job that involves running toward, not away from, fires. Or kittens in trees. Do I think it's a dangerous job. Please.

Rather than engage this person, I tell her, "I'm headed out the door right now. Can you call back later?" Which really isn't any better than just not answering the phone in the first place. Why didn't I just say, "Yes, but I'm not donating anything, and please, take me off your call list"? Because I'm an idiot.

But really, I hate, hate, hate phone calls from these people or any one of the dozen state police organizations. And this latest bit of nonsense asking if I think the job is dangerous is just too much. STOP CALLING ME! UGH!

What I want for my 30th Birthday.



But I won't complain if it's a few weeks late.

Goss on scandals. Regarding the outing of Valerie Plame, Porter Goss diminished its importance saying, "Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation."

Please, please, please let his resignation have something to do with hookers.

Hookers 1, Porter Goss 0.
Porter Goss has resigned from the CIA. This must certainly have something to do with hookers, defense contracting, and the Watergate.

Approval ratings in the 20s, here we come!!!

Bad drivers. If you're driving on the beltway, DO NOT sit in the left lane going 60 mph. Why would you do that? Just because there are four lanes, that doesn't mean that it's a goddam free-for-all. Sure, the speed limit might be 55, but NOBODY drives that slowly. So please, just get the hell out of my way so that I can get to where I need to be thirty seconds sooner.

At certain points over the beltway, there are electronic signs flashing messages, either about traffic backups, or about how we should all be spying on our neighbors so that WE DON'T ALL DIE IN AN IMMINENT TERROR ATTACK. But lately, the sign has said, "Save gas, drive slower," or some stupid crap like that. Whether or not it's true isn't the issue. Fact is, if everyone drives slower, then traffic will back up even more, and everyone will end up in traffic longer. And I would think that's not good for anyone. UGH. What is WRONG with these people?!?!?

Colbert Nation. Dan Froomkin gets it.

A pox on your blog, Kristin.

I'm supposed to list six weird things about myself. Here goes....

1) Syndactyly.

One of my more favorite lies to tell is that when I was a child, my parents put me in an Olympic developmental swimming program because at the time, the webbing was more pronounced, and I could swim faster as a result. But I got burned out and quit after a few years.
It's even funnier if you've ever actually seen me swim.

2) I also have partial ankyloglossia.

3) I'd say the whole Unnatural Man thing was fairly weird.

4) Like Kristin, I also hold a pen/pencil incorrectly. I take it as a sign of genius.

5) When I was around 8 or 10 years old, I had a a few nervous tics. I can't show you what they were because I could relapse at any moment.

6) "Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates never fails to put me in a good mood.

Balls-alicious. Youtube had to yank the Colbert video. It's available here sans crowd reaction shots. It doesn't show the video of Colbert as Press Secretary. But what you DO get is a seven minute shot of Shrub's reaction. Shrub was pissed.

So many people in the media saying he wasn't funny. Odd, every time I watch the video I hear lots of laughter.

Farewell, Unnatural Man. This would be the last time we ever saw him.

5/3 UC Din-Din
Good seating--it just doesn't get any better.

Unnatural Man was sitting by himself (as he always did) at one of the tables on the outer rim of the UC dining room, and we were seated about eight feet away. Though he had no idea that we had been tracking him for most of the school year, cataloguing his unnatural tendencies and affinity for Bryan Adams, I think that night he, too, felt something special in the air. In fact, there was a moment when he looked up from his plate of bland, lukewarm food, and we locked gazes for what seemed like forever but was probably only a couple of seconds. And I think at that moment he knew that he was part of something larger in this life.....Okay, that last part didn't actually happen. But had it, it would definitely have been unnatural.

And sometimes, that's just the way that things in life come to an end. Things have served their purpose, and a part of you wants it to keep going, but you know that it's time to let it go. Unnatural Man was a temporary diversion from classes and all the petty bullshit that goes with living in a freshman dorm; he was a brief respite from the oh-so-difficult, pampered life of a middle class white boy attending a liberal arts college in a truly anachronistic town. Unnatural Man had unwittingly become a part of our lives, but we knew that it was the right time to close the Unnatural Files.

Last of Unnatural Man?

5/1 UC Dinner
Possibly the last Unnatty siting?

After tracking our own personal yetti for the most of our freshman year, was this it? With classes coming to and end and everyone scattering for final exams, would we ever see him again? We'd just have to wait and hope.

May 1, 2006? Already? Seems like just yesterday it was "Mission Accomplished." A walk down memory lane shows just how in the tank the press were for the whole Iraq disaster as evidenced by their coverage of Shrub's flightsuit publicity stunt. Excuse me while I go spit out the bit of vomit that just came up in my mouth.

"The last third is usually backwash."
Stephen Colbert is a comedy god. His speech at last night's White House Correspondents Dinner was the stuff of legend. Apparently, Shrub didn't think so. Understandably so as this was the first time in five years that Commander Coocoo Bananas had to sit there for 20 minutes and listen to someone tear him down. Greatest thing on C-Span since the Al Franken/Bill O'Reilly feud at the 2003 Los Angeles Book Expo.

You can watch it in three parts. Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

$6300 suit.
Bill Frist feels your pain from high gas prices. So what does the multi-millionaire propose? $100 rebates checks!

About those hookers. Just how many Congressman were in on that action? A trip to Scarborough Country (a place I generally try to avoid) suggests as many as half a dozen.

My birthday is coming up. Names and faces would be nice. So would a Rove indictment.

Why I read the Times. No, not the NY Times. I'm talkin 'bout Roanoke. It had been several days since I checked in with the Letters to the Editor. And I wasn't disappointed.

I will warn you of this. If the Democrats ever get Congress and the White House again, Americans will die. They want open borders, a smaller military and to befriend terrorism. This is a fact.

Is the letter about a)terrorism b)the budget c)immigration d)Victory Stadium? If you said "C," then you're correct.

"This is a fact." You hear that? A FACT! What a maroon.

Hookers and Gin. It's hard out here for a Congressman. First, the hookers. Duke Cunningham and others appear to have been knee-deep. Ang then the gin. Rep.John Sweeney (R-NY) showed up to a frat party drunk.

What will we tell the children???

Insane in the membrane. This guy is crazy. His name is Dean Karnazes. His plan is to run 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 days. That's crazy.

Techie question. We have Verizon DSL with a wireless router. The laptop can pick up the signal, but it can't actually make the connection. We can connect to other people's wireless signals but not our own. The router is a Westell 327W.

Anybody know how to fix this?

My nemesis.
Up until four years ago, I never had any problems with allergies. I could snort a line of pollen and roll around in poison ivy with no consequence. But that all stopped, and last spring I finally had to get my first prescription of allergy meds. Things have kicked in even earlier this year, so now my eyes are itchy and I can't stop blowing my nose ("Tobias, you blowhard"). So I took one of the four remaining Allegra pills from last season and need to call in a refill. That stuff's expensive. Lucky me, I get to pay full price. I don't have a precription plan since I calculated that so long as I stay healthy and spend less than $450/yr on meds then I'm saving money. That right there is why these "health savings accounts" Shrub has proposed are a bad idea. We don't need to encourage even more people to make these gambles with their health.