Monster Thickburger Challenge 2004. On Sunday, December 26th, five of us descended upon a Hardee's located in the heart of Southwest Virginia. The task: eat as many Monster Thickburgers as is humanly possible within an hour. What is the Monster Thickburger? It is two one-third pound patties of the finest Angus beef, three slices of American cheese, four strips of bacon, mayonnaise, all on a buttered and toasted sesame bun. The damage: 1420 calories, 107 grams of fat, $6.09 each. Hardee's has hailed it as a "monument to decadence," and "not a burger for tree-huggers." It's a winner-takes-all battle for family bragging rights and for the Champion's Trophy, the Burgermeister Meisterburger.

Before entering into the finest Hardee's restaurant in town, we posed for what we feared would be the last picture of the five of us alive. Once inside, we ordered, and the helpful Hardee's workers couldn't have been more amused when we told them about the challenge. Having agreed to waive all rights to sue either Hardee's or other contestants for death or injury, we toasted to gluttony, started the clock, and bit into the juicy goodness of the Monster Thickburger. And honestly, I thought that the first bite was pretty damn good. What made it so scrumptuous? The buttered and toasted bun. While it was no Kahuna burger, it was indeed a tasty burger.

It only took eight minutes for me to finish my first burger before ordering another. Soon after, others followed and asked for more Monster thickburgers, please. But you can already see signs of weakness from my older brother. His sweatpants would turn out to be no match for all that Angus.

Soon after the ninth burger was ordered, the first person dropped out of the contest. A piece of grissle/bone proved to be too large an obstacle to overcome, and Angela recited the losers oath, "I am a disgusting American, and the terrorists are right to hate our freedom. I, too, hate our freedom, and the collective gluttony of my fellow citizens is reason enough for me to die." She then removed herself from the table, leaving four of us to marvel at how big and thick the Monster Thickburger is.

At about 25 minutes into the contest when on our second burgers, we agreed that we all felt high. Overcome with a sense of euphoria, my younger brother, Daniel, declared, "This second burger is even better than the first." He then moved ahead into first place. Did I mention that he's a vegetarian? Yep. He is. Which makes his performance all the more impressive. And after sizing up the situation, brother-in-law Daniel bowed out.

The Hardee's workers were amazed when Daniel and I went up to order a third Monster Thickburger. "You guys are awesome," one exclaimed. A third burger would make a total of two pounds of the finest Angus, twelve strips of bacon, nine pieces of cheese, a couple ounces of mayo, and six slices of buttered and toasted bread. David realized that age was no match for youth, and he took the oath before disappearing to the bathroom minutes later.

And so there were two. With sixteen minutes left, the physical segment of the competition was over, and it was time to move in to the mental stage. We knew that the third burger would be the last. It was like a velodrome bike race where the competitors start out slow, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Daniel struck first, taking out a respectable chunk of his third burger. But the years of vegetarianism were starting to take their toll on Daniel and I took another large bite of my wafer thin sandwich.

We entered the final stretch, the hour nearly through. I had taken back the lead, and Daniel stuffed half his remaining sandwich in his mouth. Quickly, I took another big bite and started to chew. Then Daniel pulled back out the burger from his mouth, simultaneously recognizing defeat and suckering me into eating more of that nasty third burger.

Time expired, the remains of the day were judged, and I was declared winner having almost finished my third burger. And I made sure to thank the very important people who made it all possible--the best damn cook and cashier ever.

Then we went home. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that we agreed that we won't tempt the fates, and this will NOT become an annual event.

If you didn't click through all the links, here is the Ofoto picture album. Thanks to my legal counsel for acting as the photojournalist for the day.

"We are the champions, my friend...We'll keep on fighting til the end...We are the champions, we are the champions! No time for losers, cuz we are the champions...of the world!

I'm back. And do I have some good things in store for you...like the Monster Thickburger Challenge results and pictures. Good times.

Happy Holidays from Mr.Tibbs and Coco Butterbean!

File Under: TICHTYY. Things I could have told you yesterday. U.S. Rentals Unaffordable to Poor.:

Most Americans who rely on just a full-time job earning the federal minimum wage cannot afford the rent and utilities on a one- or two-bedroom apartment, an advocacy group on low-income housing reported Monday.

For a two-bedroom rental alone, the typical worker must earn at least $15.37 an hour — nearly three times the federal minimum wage, the National Low Income Housing Coalition said in its annual "Out of Reach" report.
....
In only four of the nation's 3,066 counties could a full-time worker making the federal minimum wage afford a typical one-bedroom apartment, the coalition said. Three were in Illinois: Clay, Crawford and Wayne counties; the other was Washington County, Fla.

California topped all states in the hourly wage needed to afford a two-bedroom apartment, at $21.24, followed by Massachusetts, New Jersey, Maryland and New York.

States with more residents in rural areas were generally the most affordable, although no state's housing wage was lower than the federal minimum wage of $5.15 an hour, which has not changed since 1997.

More tax cuts for the rich!!! Tax-free savings accounts for everyone (who can afford to save)!!! Whee!!!

The Motherlode. In the neverending quest for more freaks of nature, here's the jackpot. Some pictures are probably doctored, others are likely real, and some are just too strange to tell. Have at it.

Bernard Kerik, I love you. You've brought such joy to my life this past week with the stories of your mob connections, multiple extra-marital affairs, secret wife, civil lawsuits, and of course that nanny of yours. But now I hear that your nanny may have not even existed? A figment of your imagination, Bernie. So what might Bushco have to say about this since they've also been peddling the nanny excuse? And what about Saint Rudy "9/11 Razzmatazz" Giuliani who so highly recommended you for the job, Bernie?
Thanks for the good times.

Re-runs.

Florida. 2000.


Ohio. 2004.

I really can't overemphasize just how much I hate holiday commercials for Old Navy and the Gap. They make me want to break things. Does anybody actually enjoy listening to a bunch of kids singing off key about Old Navy products other than the parents and agents of those kids? I find it hard to belive. Of course, I'm still dealing with the 58 million people who voted for Bush, so maybe I'm once again overestimating the good senses of my fellow citizens.

You know what else is ridiculous? A Washington Post headline that reads, Ohio Offers Lessons for 2008. Argh. Four years ago, there were headlines saying the same thing about Florida. And what was done to fix the problems? Absofuckinglutely nothing. We've been doing this whole election thing for a couple hundred years now. I would think that we should have learned all the possible lessons by this point.

And what the hell is wrong with Alabama judges? First, Roy Moore and the 10 commandments monument. Now, another judge has stitched the commandments on his robe. Idiots. This is not a theocracy.

And my GOD is Jonathan on "The Amazing Race" the biggest asshole or what? You know that he beats his wife. "I'll lose it on you!" isn't exactly a line used by normal folks. You could tell that Phil wanted to kick his ass.

The Feats of (Intestinal) Strength. As the holidays approach, families look forward to sharing in festive traditions. Decorating the tree. Cooking gingerbread men. Spinning dredels. The airing of grievances. It's the most wonderful time of year, y'all!

This year brings forth the first annual family Hardee's Monster Thickburger Eating Contest. My older brother (emphasis on the old) has thrown down the gauntlet, and I have picked it up. We can't have gauntlets lying around all over the place. Somebody could get hurt.

He and I will most likely be the only participants in the Hardee's Monster Thickburger Eating Contest. His wife has too much sense for this type of folly. Mine has volunteered to be a judge/photographer, and the Maryland bar association has something against this in their code of conduct. Our sister and younger brother are vegetarians, and our sister and her husband have a child and therefore he has too much responsibility to engage in such high-risk behavior.

The ground rules as laid forth by said older brother are as such:

(1) All participants must sign medical waivers releasing all other
participants of responsibility for gallstones, intestinal blockages,
cardiac arrests, depression, explosive diarrhea and other predictable
consequences of the contest;
(2) All participants, being aware that each sandwich contains over
1400 calories and 107 grams of fat, must agree to eat at least ONE
Hardee's Monster Thickburger;
(3) All participants must attempt to eat TWO Hardee's Monster
Thickburgers;
(4) For the duration of the contest, no participants will be allowed
to make unattended visits to the restroom, and a neutral third party
will monitor all bathroom breaks;
(5) Verbal and non-verbal taunting will be permitted before and during
the contest, although any commentary or physical gesture designed to
encourage vomiting (e.g., references to feces and other bodily waste,
gurgling noises, feigned lurching and stomach convulsions) will result
in automatic disqualification;
(6) Physical contact of any kind (e.g., pokes, bitch-slaps, punches to
the throat or stomach) will not be permitted at any point in the
contest and will result in automatic disqualification;
(7) Vomiting NOT induced by illegal taunting or physical contact will
result in automatic disqualification;
(8) Disaqualified or otherwise eliminated contestants must leave the
table unless unable to do so under their own power. If eliminated
contestants are unable to move, previously-eliminated contestants will
be responsible for moving the contestants from the scene;
(9) Disqualified or otherwise eliminated contestants, unless the
contestants are unconscious or dead, must recite the following words
upon leaving the table: "I am a disgusting American, and the
terrorists are right to hate our freedom. I, too, hate our freedom,
and the collective gluttony of my fellow citizens is reason enough for
me to die."
(10) The winner of the 2004 Monster Thickburger Eating
Contest will be determined by the total weight of unregurgitated
Thickburger consumed in the duration of the contest, which shall last
no longer than one (1) hour;
(11) In the event of a disputed outcome, a small deli scale will be
used to determine the remaining weight of unregurgitated, uneaten
Thickburger;
(12) At the conclusion of the contest, and following the official
certification of the winner by a three-member panel of judges, Rules 5
and 6 are rendered null and void;
(13) Losers agree to mop up the winner's vomit and carry him/her from
the premises.

You can bet your ass there will be pictures of this one. Wagering is encouraged. Vital stats to be provided soon.

The Ladies Man. Bernard Kerik, one smooth dude. Now I'm disappointed that he withdrew his name before getting to the confirmation hearings. That could've been one fun show.

Olympioso revisited. I remember watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics this past summer and having several complaints. But none of them had to do with naked human statues. Living in Bush's America is grand.

I'm back. Taking a few days away from the blog was actually pretty refreshing, especially after the lack of sleep last week. Almost finished with my first semester back in school, and it's clear that old habits die hard. Twice within two weeks I saw 5:00 a.m., and that's one horrible time of day to still be awake and trying to finish a paper. I've always been a procrastinator, all the way back to 2nd grade when I was complaining to my mom about a book report that I didn't want to write. Twenty years later, and I was complaining about a course paper that I didn't want to write. I'm too old for all-nighters. In college, I could pull an all-nighter and move right along into the next day, sneaking in an after-dinner nap after filling my belly with the blue plate special and a Klondike bar at the University Center. But now, my body shuts down and I get feverish and cranky.

So that's where we stand. In other news, I watched with glee as Bernard Kerik went down amid a load of scandals.

Blogging should return to normal now with a holiday break for a few days around Crimmistime. Hooray.

Bloggus Interruptus. There will be a blogging service interruption for Wednesday and Thursday. I'm just way too busy right now dealing with end of the semester work. So you'll have to find some other way to procrastinate while on the company clock.

More prison abuse. At Gitmo this time. And surprise surprise, nothing was done about it, and there are links to Abu Ghraib.

And when you're George Dubya Bush, what's another trillion dollars of debt? It's for a good cause! Privatizing social security! Because the stock market is a sure thing. Funny...I don't remember this idea of borrowing a trillion dollars coming up during the campaign. Oh, that's right, there were more important things to talk about, like whether or not John Kerry was wounded enough in Vietnam while Shrub was back home sippin on some Pabst Blue Ribbon.

And who needs a draft when you can just force people to stay in the military beyond their contracts? A group of soldiers is suing Rummy et al. over the stop loss policy.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

What a loss. What will we do without HHS Sec. Tommy Thompson and his wisdom?

For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that.

Yeah, terrorists, what gives? What's the matter with you? Everybody knows that the easiest way to attack again is through the food supply. You'd have to be fools not to give it a shot. Think of the fear and death you could cause!

And, um, if it's so easy to attack the food supply, then maybe that's something that could have been brought up in one of those meetings with the rest of the cabinet, and maybe you could get your Republican-controlled congress to do something about it unless they're too busy trying to keeps dudes from marrying each other, cuz that's way more important.

"I said, I AIN'T YOUR FUCKING HOMEBOY!" Anne found a very pissed off Jesus.

"I'm craaaazy!" The teacher who was caught having sex with a 14 yr old student is apparently going to say that she was insane at the time. On FAUX News last night, Greta "I heart O.J." Van Susteren was talking about the case and said that there are some tape-recorded conversations between the teacher and the student. Then she said, "We'll have those sexy tapes tomorrow." Sexy? Sexy?!? If it had been a male teacher with a female student, would Greta describe the tapes as "sexy"? There's nothing sexy about statutory rape, my dear.

"I'm juiced!" Jason Giambi admitted to a grand jury that he used steroids for at least three seasons. Really? I'm shocked.

"I'm woefully uninformed!" Students participating in federally funded abstinence-only sex-ed programs are being taught some crazy stuff such as the misconception that HIV can be spread via sweat and tears. Des has more that will make your head spin.

Funny ha ha. Here's a nominee for least flattering picture of the year.

And yes, it's that time of the year. Dealing with my first end of the semester crunch as a student in three and a half years. End of the semester was no big deal when I was teaching since all I had to do was toss exams down the stairs and assign grades. So, blogging might not be as frequent for the next few weeks, though not as infrequent as some people.

And as always, if I haven't posted in a while, you can watch a monkey washing a cat.

Holy crap. What the hell happened to the year? Seems like just yesterday that it was November.

It turns out that parking at school is a dangerous activity. Earlier in the semester, somebody was carjacked in the middle of the afternoon in the lot where I usually park. And then yesterday, somebody was robbed in another campus parking lot, again in the middle of the day. Very exciting.