The Feats of (Intestinal) Strength. As the holidays approach, families look forward to sharing in festive traditions. Decorating the tree. Cooking gingerbread men. Spinning dredels. The airing of grievances. It's the most wonderful time of year, y'all!

This year brings forth the first annual family Hardee's Monster Thickburger Eating Contest. My older brother (emphasis on the old) has thrown down the gauntlet, and I have picked it up. We can't have gauntlets lying around all over the place. Somebody could get hurt.

He and I will most likely be the only participants in the Hardee's Monster Thickburger Eating Contest. His wife has too much sense for this type of folly. Mine has volunteered to be a judge/photographer, and the Maryland bar association has something against this in their code of conduct. Our sister and younger brother are vegetarians, and our sister and her husband have a child and therefore he has too much responsibility to engage in such high-risk behavior.

The ground rules as laid forth by said older brother are as such:

(1) All participants must sign medical waivers releasing all other
participants of responsibility for gallstones, intestinal blockages,
cardiac arrests, depression, explosive diarrhea and other predictable
consequences of the contest;
(2) All participants, being aware that each sandwich contains over
1400 calories and 107 grams of fat, must agree to eat at least ONE
Hardee's Monster Thickburger;
(3) All participants must attempt to eat TWO Hardee's Monster
Thickburgers;
(4) For the duration of the contest, no participants will be allowed
to make unattended visits to the restroom, and a neutral third party
will monitor all bathroom breaks;
(5) Verbal and non-verbal taunting will be permitted before and during
the contest, although any commentary or physical gesture designed to
encourage vomiting (e.g., references to feces and other bodily waste,
gurgling noises, feigned lurching and stomach convulsions) will result
in automatic disqualification;
(6) Physical contact of any kind (e.g., pokes, bitch-slaps, punches to
the throat or stomach) will not be permitted at any point in the
contest and will result in automatic disqualification;
(7) Vomiting NOT induced by illegal taunting or physical contact will
result in automatic disqualification;
(8) Disaqualified or otherwise eliminated contestants must leave the
table unless unable to do so under their own power. If eliminated
contestants are unable to move, previously-eliminated contestants will
be responsible for moving the contestants from the scene;
(9) Disqualified or otherwise eliminated contestants, unless the
contestants are unconscious or dead, must recite the following words
upon leaving the table: "I am a disgusting American, and the
terrorists are right to hate our freedom. I, too, hate our freedom,
and the collective gluttony of my fellow citizens is reason enough for
me to die."
(10) The winner of the 2004 Monster Thickburger Eating
Contest will be determined by the total weight of unregurgitated
Thickburger consumed in the duration of the contest, which shall last
no longer than one (1) hour;
(11) In the event of a disputed outcome, a small deli scale will be
used to determine the remaining weight of unregurgitated, uneaten
Thickburger;
(12) At the conclusion of the contest, and following the official
certification of the winner by a three-member panel of judges, Rules 5
and 6 are rendered null and void;
(13) Losers agree to mop up the winner's vomit and carry him/her from
the premises.

You can bet your ass there will be pictures of this one. Wagering is encouraged. Vital stats to be provided soon.