Unnatural Man, Part the Second. Who is Unnatural Man? He is a man who was unnatural in every way. What first caught my attention in bowling class was his unnatural look. His complexion...it could only be described as like some sort of space-age plastic with an artifician sheen. And his hair. His hair was bleach blonde, and meticulously combed and parted. It's how you'd imagine a Ken doll to have hair in real life. Alone, they were odd. Together, they were Unnatural.

And then, I watched Unnatural Man bowl. He even bowled unnaturally (using a 12 pound ball). His style was backhanded with his palm facing down rather than up, a technique which later I would learn did not help his bowling average.

I was fascinated. I had to know more. Who was this man who was so seemingly unnatural? And what else about him was also unnatural?

I told my friends about Unnatural Man. Upon seeing him at the dining hall, they agreed that he was indeed quite unnatural. And so we opened the Unnatural Files (a sheet of paper taped on the wall) which we would use to document sitings and other pertinent information. And by the end of the school year, we had learned quite a bit about Unnatty Man including a certain borderline infatuation with a certain performer who sang on the "Robinhood" soundtrack.

And before you say, "So, what you're telling me is that you stalked this guy?", let me make it clear that no, we didn't stalk him. It's not like we ever took stuff off his dorm room door tried to get stuff he used looked in his dorm room window sent him dead animals or called up breathing heavily at 4a.m. And we generally didn't seek him out. That wasn't part of the operation.

All this is a way of introducing what will be a regular feature for a while (since I don't have anything else original to blog about). When the dates coincide, I'll be posting the short accounts of sitings as well as other information that we picked up along the way. There might even be pictures.

More bad news for Bush. Today should've been a good day for Shrub, what with John Roberts being confirmed to SCOTUS. But other events today could end up being very bad for Bushco. A judge ruled that 87 photographs and 4 videos of abuse at Abu Ghraib must be released. The content of those photos and tapes is allegedly much worse than doing a Lynndie.

Of course, Bushco will likely appeal this one like they did before.

Tina! Come get some ham! I know that you're on the edge of the seat waiting for Unnatural Man, Part the Second. But I'm busy for a change, and so it'll have to wait until Thursday night or Friday morning.

In the meantime, here's a Napoleon Dynamite soundboard. Pedro offers you his protection.

(kudos to joel for the link)

Huzzah! Music to my ears. DeLay indicted.

Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That's right! It's the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

I don't think you're happy enough! That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let's try it again!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

If'n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature... They don't know that they're ugly! That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy

Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

Is our children learning? The question to UMD undergrads is, "Has Cindy Sheehan’s campaign reignited students’ awareness of the war in Iraq?" Check out the student's answer in the bottom center.

Heckuva job. Seriously, just what the hell do you have to do in order to be considered not worthy of employment in this administration? Brownie's back at FEMA. Maybe there's something about judging Arabian horses that the rest of us just don't understand.

Unnatural Man. Part the First. As part of the liberal arts program at William & Mary, a requirement was that all students take two credits in phys ed. Active body, active mind, I guess. Being in Colonial Williamsburg, you'd think that they might have offered a course in hoop trundling or stilt walking. But I was disappointed to find neither listed in the course catalogue. WTF? I thought this was ye olde country? However, I did see bowling listed, and since they did play lawn bowling and nine pins in colonial times, I decided that would have to be close enough.*

So I got a sticker put on my registration sheet at the 8a.m. open registration session that guaranteed my place in Bowling 101. No fancy computer registration back then, kids. And with that, I began my glorious first year of college.

Once a week on Mondays, I would ride the Bowling Bus (a yellow schoolbus that said "Bowling" on the front) from campus out Richmond Road to the AMF bowling centre. AMF = Always Means Fun. And for 45 minutes or so, we would bowl two games in our own lanes. Then it was back on the Bowling Bus and back to campus. The primary course objective was to improve your bowling average from the beginning of the semester to the end of the semester. I put myself in a difficult position by bowling a 216 the first game, something I've never again done since. And yes, there was a written final, but it didn't have any questions about who won the ABC national tourney in 1934 (it was the Stroh team out of Detroit) or how many 300 games Eddie Lubanski bowled (11).

Now, this class would have been awesome on its own. I knew that when I signed up. But what I didn't know was that the class would bring something incredibly unnatural into our lives. Because also enrolled in bowling was Unnatural Man.

Who is Unnatural Man? Tune in for Part the Second to find out.


*My reasoning was hardly like this. I thought it'd be cool to go bowling once a week, and I'd forever be able to say that I took bowling in college.

Slickers. Lots o' media folks standing out in the wind and rain right now. If only the hurricane would just wash them away and leave everyone else alone.

Cat killer. Looks like Bill Frist has been a bad boy. Maybe he can get some advice from Martha Stewart.

Rita's a man, baby! Is that a hurricane in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? How will Pat Robertson explain this one?

O.G.

Headline of the year: Ice-T to produce Hasselhoff rap album:

Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff's first hip-hop album.

The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles and are said to have struck up a close friendship.

Hasselhoff has had some success as a singer, releasing seven albums. He's also said to be very popular in Germany.

Ice-T, who was one of the first real hip-hop stars in the late 1980s, said: "The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him."

The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-old for Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.

Ice-T added: "He's gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff - I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."

Hassle The Hoff. I hope they pimp out KITT.

Idiots. If and when there's another terror attack, just remember that Shrub's pal Al Gonzales was going after the real threat, the pornographers.

The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. And it's looking for a few good agents.

Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as "one of the top priorities" of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and, by extension, of "the Director." That would be FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III....

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

At least they got Osama and the Anthrax letter-sender Martha Stewart and Tommy Chong.

America, what took you so long? People no likey Shrub. 40% approve of his performance in office. I guess because he hasn't burned down the place yet. Support for his management of the war in Iraq is down to 32%, 59% say it was a mistake, and 63% want some or all of the troops out of Iraq. And on and on.

I really don't know what people expected from a second term. It's not like anything Bushco has done (or hasn't done) has been a huge surprise. Of course, I'm sure if you asked people who they would vote for now, Shrub or Kerry, Shrub would still win.

In the meantime, I'll continue driving in style with my new bumpersticker. I was looking for something subtle and elegant.

Thickburger. I was treated this weekend to a screening of the Monster Thickburger Challenge DVD. Oh, it's funny alright.

And again, that's about all I've got for blog posting.

Google blogs. Google developed a blog search engine. So you can find out who has been blogging about Shrub's potty break.

Doom. If you ever spent hours upon hours playing that game, then you might find this trailer for "Doom" the movie to be funny. They even have the chainsaw.

I got nothing. What I should get is a guest blogger.

Incompetent AND a liar. Brownie, doing a heck of a job with that resume. Maybe if Joementum Lieberman and the Democrats had held a confirmation hearing that lasted more than 41 minutes, then Brownie would not have been allowed to bring to FEMA his experience with Arabian horses.

"Freedom" Walk. Here's an article in the Post describing the security for this weekend's worst-named event ever, the America Supports You Freedom Walk. Some of the details:

Organizers of the Pentagon's 9/11 memorial Freedom Walk on Sunday are taking extraordinary measures to control participation in the march and concert, with the route fenced off and lined with police and the event closed to anyone who does not register online by 4:30 p.m. today.

The march, sponsored by the Department of Defense, will wend its way from the Pentagon to the Mall along a route that has not been specified but will be lined with four-foot-high snow fencing to keep it closed and "sterile," said Allison Barber, deputy assistant secretary of defense.

The U.S. Park Police will have its entire Washington force of several hundred on duty and along the route, on foot, horseback and motorcycles and monitoring from above by helicopter. Officers are prepared to arrest anyone who joins the march or concert without a credential and refuses to leave, said Park Police Chief Dwight E. Pettiford.

Like the wingnuts say, freedom isn't free.

"He doesn't like you."
'I'm sorry.'
"I don't like you either."

Bad poll results for Shrub.

And now for something comletely different. Pizza Firing Wins Online Contest:

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- A computer engineer who lost his job because he ate two pieces of pepperoni pizza has been named the winner of an offbeat Internet contest that solicited stories about outrageous firings.

A panel of Silicon Valley judges picked Jim Garrison's strange tale from more than 1,000 entries submitted during the past month. The reward: a free Caribbean cruise.
....
Garrison, who lives in Highlands Ranch, Colorado, said he never thought he would be rewarded for getting fired. Then again, he never dreamed he would be fired after he ate two of the six pieces of pepperoni pizza left over from a company meeting.

What he didn't know is that several other employees had already worked out a plan to take the leftover pizza home with them.

When they discovered one-third of the leftover pizza pie had been eaten, the employees reported Garrison to management, ultimately leading to his firing last November -- a month after he ate the food.

Kudos to Mike for sending this one along.

Freedom-haters. Why do these fire-fighters hate America?

Initiative. Shrub's pledge to lead a personal investigation into what went wrong is like OJ saying he'd look for the real killer.

By the letters. According to The Daily Show, Bushco is only up to "K."

Riddle me this. What do a former commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association who was forced to resign, a former campaign event planner, and a former campaign media strategist have in common? They're the Number 1, 2, and 3 men at FEMA. Yeah, no need for experience there.

More evidence of Brownie doing a heck of a job:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The government's disaster chief waited until hours after Hurricane Katrina had already struck the Gulf Coast before asking his boss to dispatch 1,000 Homeland Security employees to the region - and gave them two days to arrive, according to internal documents.

Michael Brown, director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, sought the approval from Homeland Security Secretary Mike Chertoff roughly five hours after Katrina made landfall on Aug. 29. Brown said that among duties of these employees was to "convey a positive image" about the government's response for victims.

But if only the poor, elderly, sick, and young hadn't chosen to stay behind, none of this would have happened.

40,000. From TPM:

Not certain what to make of this -- but it's an interview with a local mortuary director in the Shelbyville (Tenn.) Times-Gazette. The mortician, Dan Buckner, is part of DMORT (Disaster Mortuary Operational Response Team), which is a volunteer wing of the Department of Homeland Security called in to set up morgues and process bodies in major domestic disasters. And he's been deployed to Gulfport, Miss. Bucker tells the paper that "DMort is telling us to expect up to 40,000 bodies." And he goes on to say that that number does not "include the number of disinterred remains that have been displaced from ... mausoleums."

And "Brownie" is doing a heck of a job.

Way to go, Catman Frist. He decided to put off the vote on the Hilton tax. I hope that the ultra-rich find some way to get by in the meantime. Kudos to Frist for making a good (though completely obvious) decision.

A good decision for Barabara Bush the elder would be to have a nice glass of shut the hell up.

GWB, Man of Action

Condiliar. Maybe Condi should have stayed in New York shopping for shoes. I loathe her.

BAYOU LA BATRE, Ala. - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended President Bush on Sunday against charges that the government's sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina showed racial insensitivity.

"Nobody, especially the president, would have left people unattended on the basis of race," the administration's highest-ranking black said as she toured damaged parts of her native Alabama.

She's right. It had nothing to do with race. It had to do with his own incompetence and inability to care about anything other than waging war, cutting taxes, and dismantling the government. Anyway, so many of those people who didn't evacuate chose to be poor, infirm, elderly, or children. They had it coming to them.

Later, during a service at the Pilgrim Rest AME Zion church outside Mobile, Rice nodded in agreement as the Rev. Malone Smith Jr. advised the congregation, "Wait for the Lord."

"There are some things the president can do; there are some things the government can do," Smith told about 300 worshippers during a rollicking two-hour service. "But God can do all things. I want you to know he's never late. He's always on time."

Rice later echoed the call for patience.

"The Lord is going to come on time — if we just wait," she said.

Your Lord might come on time Condi, but your administration was too fucking late.

Commander Cuckoo Bananas. I believe the proper term is "inappropriate affect." Though, maybe this is better than the alternative of sitting down on the curb, head in hands, muttering "Holy fuck. Shit. Oh fuck." Maybe. I dunno.

Fuck you, Bill Frist. Frist takes a moment to show what the true GOP priorities are by announcing that he'll go ahead with a Tuesday vote to permanently repeal the Hilton tax.

So while the politicians are out there asking you and me to donate to the hurricane relief, Frist and the GOP are working to help out those who need it least.

Of course, Bush could say, "You know what? We can deal with the estate tax later. Right now, all of our efforts should be focused on fixing this situation."

But he won't. And I'll blame him for that, too.

Compassionate conservative. That squinty-eyed fat tub of shit Denny Hastert weighs in on the disaster and Democratic Governor Kathleen Blanco-who-deserves-some-of-the-blame-for-this-mess-but-did-not-make-the-decisions-to-slash -funding-to-FEMA-or-send-the-National-Guard-to-Iraq-and-who-was-not-on-vacation-before-and -after-the-hurricane-hit doesn't like what Denny has to say.

A furious Gov. Kathleen Blanco issued a message to House Speaker Dennis Hastert: "I expect an apology as soon as possible."

She was referring to Hastert's comments about spending billions of dollars to rebuild New Orleans.

Hastert told an Illinois newspaper, "It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed."

Blanco said it's an insult to even suggest that "one of the most historic cities is not worth an investment."

"To kick us down when we're down and destroy hope" is unnecessary, Blanco said.

Hastert said in a transcript that the people of New Orleans would rebuild their city, but said "we ought to take a second look" at federal insurance and other federal aid involved.

Now, let's imagine what the response would have been if four years ago on September 17th, this version appeared.

A furious Gov. George Pataki issued a message to Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle: "I expect an apology as soon as possible."

He was referring to Daschle's comments about spending billions of dollars to rebuild New York.

Daschle told a South Dakota newspaper, "It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed."

Pataki said it's an insult to even suggest that "one of the most historic cities is not worth an investment."

"To kick us down when we're down and destroy hope" is unnecessary, Pataki said.

Daschle said in a transcript that the people of New York would rebuild their city, but said "we ought to take a second look" at federal insurance and other federal aid involved.

Of course, no sane person would have said that. So here's to you, Denny, you piździelec.

Fairly Imbalanced. Just to show that I'm an equal opportunity blame-gamer, here's a link to video of Channel One alum Anderson Cooper unleashing the fooking fury on Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. She's thanking all the nice politicians for their help, and Anderson loses it, telling her about watching rats eating a dead body.

But again, Bush gets the lion's share of blame here. I know, I blame Bush for just about anything that goes wrong whether it be a bungled war based on lies or the Orioles falling out of contention again. There's no getting around this one though. Decisions have consequences.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Bush administration funding cuts forced federal engineers to delay improvements on the levees, floodgates and pumping stations that failed to protect New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina's floodwaters, agency documents showed on Thursday.

The former head of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, the agency that handles the infrastructure of the nation's waterways, said the damage in New Orleans probably would have been much less extensive had flood-control efforts been fully funded over the years.

Tax cuts for the rich, funding cuts for levees.

I heard Led Zeppelin "When the Levee Breaks" being played on the radio yesterday. That's just wrong.

Condi needs a new pair of shoes. Whenever I hear someone say how great Condi "Bin Ladin determined to strike in U.S." Rice is, my head spins. Here's another example why.

Meanwhile, as New Orleans descends to the next level of hell, the RNC is focusing on what really matters...eliminating the Hilton tax.

Pump it up. The price of gas keeps on going up. Up to $6 in some areas in the south, and other places are reporting shortages and gas lines.

Not so long ago, I'd see people with their big cars filling up at the pump, and I could say to myself that I'd never paid over $20 for gas. Obviously, that has changed. But now I can't even say that I've never paid over $30. It cost $30.15 the other night at $2.96 (and nine-tenths) per gallon. And I drive a Toyota Echo, so I get around 35-40 MPG.

When I see some świnia driving a Hummer (or the "smaller" H3), I'd like to think that person is regretting their purchase. Probably not though.

Moron. So while people were drowning in New Orleans, our decisive and courageous president was eating cake with John McCain and strumming a guitar backstage with some country singer. I suppose that Karl Rove decided there isn't much political hay to be made out of this disaster, and so it wasn't until four days later that Dear Leader decided to cut his vacation short and come back to DC so that he can...umm...well, I don't know.

This morning, he told that huge pile of crap Diane Sawyer, "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees." That's bullshit.

Reminiscent of when Condiliar said that nobody imagined that planes could be hijacked and used as missiles. And we know that was bullshit also.

Some would say that this isn't the time to place blame for what has happened. That, too, is bullshit. Sure, Shrub didn't actually cause the hurricane himself. And it's really a feat that New Orleans hadn't been wiped out before now. But it was Shrub who decided to send off all the National Guard to Iraq, Shrub who cut funding to the programs designed to keep New Orleans safe, and Shrub who did nothing before or after the hurricane hit to lessen the potential damage.

And if I were a little more strident, I'd even say let's blame every person who cast a ballot for Shrub last November because it's their votes that led to this deficit of leadership. But, I'll be generous, and grant that even some of the people who voted for Shrub might not have imagined just what a clusterfuck we'd find ourselves in only seven months into his second term. But I'm never strident, so I'd never suggest anything like that.

Here's to the next 1237 days. Na zdrowie!