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Monday, May 16, 2005

Holy Handkerchief. Somebody out there is working really hard to save me from eternal damnation. Whoever it is, please stop. The latest evidence came in the mail today. The outside of the envelope read, "God said, 'I was to loan you this to start turning things around for here it is. Use it [underlined three times] and be blessed." On the back, the envelope had, "Dear Jesus, We pray that you will bless someone in this home spiritually, physically, & financially. And please dear Lord, bless the one who's [whose, not who's...jesus, ugh] hands open this letter." That's me!, I exclaimed. It continued, "Make good changes in this one's life and give them the desires of their heart. We pray over and bless this letter in your holy name. Amen."

At this point, I thought that maybe the religious right had gotten into the credit card business, and they wanted to offer me a lifetime 0.99% APR on all balance transfers. That would be a fucking sweet blessing.

But NO, this evelope had something of far greater importance inside than just another opportunity to do the credit card shuffle. This envelope contained a Bible Faith Handkerchief. Here is the full text of the letter:
Dear...Someone Connected with This House, [that's me!!!]

We've been on our knees, praying over this address and someone connected with it, because we feel someone connected to this home needs God's help and blessings. One in our prayer group is over 90 years old, another is 87, and several are in their 70's. Together we are helping people who need prayer. And, God is doing great things every day here at this half-a-century-old church.

As we prayed, the Holy Spirit said, "if you want this home to be blessed, mail a biblical faith handkerchief like the Apostle Pauld did, at Acts 19:11,12, where miracle blessings began when people used the blessed handkerchiefs." Here, let me read what God's Holy Word says about these Bible handkerchiefs: "And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul: So that from his body were brought unto the sick H-A-N-D-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F-S or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them." ACTS 19:11,12.

My father had a bad habit of drinking, and he could not stop. I sent one of these to my mother, and it flat stopped Dad from a bad drinking habit. It works!

Here is what I ask you to do, in Jesus' name...(1)PRINT YOUR NAME AND YOUR MOST PRESSING PROBLEM, BY FAITH, IN THE CENTER OF THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF. Yes, that's what I said...print your name, by faith, in the center of this church handkerchief AND THE NAME OF SOMEONE ELSE WHOM YOU REALLY LOVE THAT NEEDS GOD'S HELP Print their name under yours. (2)Then, OPEN YOUR BIBLE TO THE BOOK OF ACTS, CHAPTER 19, VERSES 11 AND 12, if you have a Bible. [Oh, shit...I don't have a Bible!] If not, it's okay. God sees. [phew!] (3) Then, LAY THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF (with your name printed in the center on it) ON THIS SCRIPTURE. (4) Leave it there for TONIGHT ONLY!

Please, in the morning, get this faith handkerchief out of that Bible, put it into this self-addressed envelope (the church will pay the postage for you--this is so important) and return it to us in the morning. I repeat, please do not keep this faith handkerchief, and please do not break this flow of God's spirit from our prayer group to your home. Rush this Bible, church handkerchief back. We have a free spiritual gift we want to send to you that can bless you for a lifetime. [a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring?]

Now, when our church, which is 54 years old, receives this Bible handkerchief back from you (with your name on it), we are going to pray over this handkerchief a speical prayer for a miracle blessing for you.

Let us ask you: Would you like to have God's blessings upon your home, your family and finances? Say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, I do need Your financial blessings upon me and my family's finances!" Deuteronomy 28:6. Just put a check mark by your needs below, telling us that you want prayer. Also, check any other needs you are facing. Pray about sowing a seed gift to the Lord's work. Give God your best seed and believe Him for His best blessing (St. Luke 6:38). Now, go and use this Church Faith Handkerchief. The Lord is watching and waiting. You are about to enter the Holy Spirit of God right here in your home, through this faith exercise. Then, it is a must that you return it for another to use.

We feel, in our hearts, that we must pray for you right away. We don't know if something has happened [What?!?], is happening [oh shit!], or is about to happen [sonuvabitch!]. We know that the Holy Spirit is in this spiritual letter and is speaking to your spirit now while you read these words. Please obey the Holy Spirit and let God's blessings be bestowed upon you.

We are waiting, as a prayer group, on this faith handkerchief back from you, with your name printed in the middle of it and the name of someone you love printed under yours. St. Matthew 18:19. You are holding a church, Bible faith handkerchief. Go and place it in a Bible, if you have one. If not, it's okay. God sees. I believe the windows of heaven are about to open for you and your needs. Mail it back immediately. We're waiting.

Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ
Saint Matthew's Church
Friends of Jesus for 54 Glorious Years!

Dammit, that was one long and redundant letter. This Bible faith handkerchief must be the Holy Grail of chain letters and pyramid schemes. You see, "sowing a seed gift to the Lord's work" translates to, "send us money." Someone else has already checked into the St. Matthew's Church.

But what if my Brothers and Sisters in Christ are right, and God is watching to see what I do with my holy handkerchief? What if I break the chain? Will my financial blessings never come? Will I be destined to be poor forever? Aren't the poor supposed to inherit the earth? Fuck the poor. I want my money.

So, I filled out my prayer page, and I filled out my prayer handkerchief with my most pressing problem, my name, and someone else who needs God's love. Now all that's left to do is send this back in the prepaid envelope, and then sit back and wait for my sweet blessings to come rolling in. Thankyou, St.Matthews Church!

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