The scariest costume of all. What's with teenagers showing up for halloween, no costume, asking for my candy? Memo to teenagers 5'7" and taller: a hooded sweatshirt is not a costume unless you accessorize with dark sunglasses and a manifesto. Fuckers. So they got the Tootsie Pops. The Almond Joys and Kit-Kats went to the kids who took the time to have their parents buy them costumes.

The look of disappointment on two little girls' faces when I dropped a mini-pack of Rollos in their pillowcases almost made me feel sorry for hoarding some candy for myself.