"Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come."

While being allowed to enjoy defecating in their pants, eat the finest chicken dinners, and soak up the fine tropical weather, it seems that the detainees at Gitmo have been subjected to interrogation methods far worse than anyone could have ever imagined:

far from torturing prisoners, ice cream and candy bars are sometimes used to induce them to give up information, as "part of a rapport-building effort on the part of interrogators."

See? It's all good. Nothing to worry about. Sure, you might be detained for three years without being charged and then released without even a parting gift. But shit, you got ice cream and candy!

Has anyone considered that maybe it isn't that they are holding detainees without charge, but rather it's such a swanky place that the detainees just won't leave? Bet you didn't consider that one.