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Friday, March 18, 2005

I'm too young to be yelling at kids. Yesterday afternoon, I was just sitting on the couch, doing a little reading, watching basketball, minding my own business when there is a knock at the door. I open the door, and there is some kid, probably about 9 or 10 years old, and he asks, "Do you like my elf costume?" That's it. That's his question. And he isn't even wearing an elf costume. He just has some green facepaint. So I say, "Sure, that's great," and then close the door before the kid tries to engage me in any further conversation.

I sit back down, and a minute or two later, there's another knock at the door. I open it, and sure enough, it's elf-boy again. This time he asks, "Are you Adam Sandler?" To which I answer in my best stern-adult voice, "You know, you really shouldn't be going around knocking on people's doors who you don't know." As he walked away, still grinning, I say, "Do you have a question about that? Is that clear?" And that was that. What I really wanted to say to the kid was, "You don't know me. You don't know that I'm not going to pull you into my apartment, hack you up into little pieces in the bathtub, and then dump your body in the woods. And nobody would ever know." But I didn't suppose that would be the best reaction.

Two things here.
1. So this is what I've been reduced to? Yelling at the neighborhood kids? I'm not that old yet, dammit.
2. I do not look like Adam fucking Sandler. If he'd asked if I was Guy Pearce, that would make more sense. This isn't the first time that the Adam Sandler comparison has been made. I don't get get it. He has short dark hair; I have short dark hair. That's it. My legal counsel advised me, "Maybe he thought you were Adam Sandler because you don't work and just sit around all day like the characters in his movies." Oh, she's funny. She also pointed out that the facepaint was most likely for St.Patty's Day, and he probably meant to ask what I thought of his leprechaun outfit. Whatever. Either way, his costume was totally lame.

Kudos to me though for keeping my cool and not screaming obscenities at the kid like I did another time when some teenagers came by trying to sell magazines (they started it).

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