My 10-year high school reunion is slated for Labor Day weekend. I got the invite in the mail yesterday. The schedule calls for an early afternoon picnic with all-you-can eat BBQ sammiches, baked beans, macaroni, and a dessert. All I can eat is all you can eat, too. And then there will be a five hour break before dinner, giving me time to wonder why the hell I passed up a weekend at the beach for a weekend in Roanoke.

"The Big Event," as it is being billed, starts at 6:00 with a cocktail hour. As it is a cash bar, I will have to sneak in a couple of those tiny bottles of liquor that you can find at the checkout register at the liquor store. Following happy hour will be dinner at 7:00 accompanied by a video. I can only imagine what they will show. Most likely, highlights of a high school life that I did not live. So maybe I should send in some of the home videos that my friends and I made, in particular the video where I played "Harvey the Sales Clown."

From 8:00 on, there will be dancing, speakers, and awards. The committee has asked for volunteers to speak, "share high school memory, advice, inspirational, motivational, most valuable thing you've learned, thing that's been most different from what you expected, story from the past 10 years, etc." I'm all over this one. High school memory? The time I almost got my ass kicked in gym class for cussing out a starter on the wrestling team who was fouling way too much in basketball. Advice? Don't listen to me. Most valuable thing I've learned? The proper way to roll silverware at the Ground Round. Story from past 10 years? See above. Thing most different than expected? I still can't grow a beard.

And what are these awards going to be? "Most changed"? Can that really be ascertained in the matter of an afternoon? "Least changed"? Is that one you really want to win? "Biggest underachiever"? Quit looking at me. I'm sure that I'll be good and loaded by this time of the evening, so I'll be able to fully appreciate any awkward moments that might arise.

There is also a "graduate biography" form to fill out and send back. A "Where Are They Now" booklet will be created from these. Information requested includes occupation, education, marital status, significant achievement, and fun/interesting fact. My legal counsel has advised me that I will not be entering "Bee Keeper" for my occupation. I agree. "Hustler" is much better anyway. For the significant achievement, I'd like to enter, "collecting unemployment checks at age 27." It's either that or "getting a masters in sociology", but really, which takes more dedication?

I'm sure that at the very least, the reunion will provide for a good blog post. It's gonna be a freakshow, y'all.