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Monday, March 22, 2004

A Slight Spot of Pee. After seven weeks in the shop, we finally got back our Saturn last week. It seems to drive as it did before the Superbowl Sunday accident, the inside was detailed and looking better than even when we bought it, and the outside was nice and shiny. So of course, we want to protect the car and make sure that it stays in good condition since another accident will surely total it out. I would post before and after pictures of the car, but the YLH legal counsel has advised against it until all legal actions have been completed.

Last night, we went down to the parking garage to take the Saturn out to run a couple of errands. Walking to the car, we noticed a puddle below the driver's side door, and there was dried liquid on the window and streaks down the side of the door. "What the fu?" I say, not knowing what the source of the mystery fluids was. Curious, I got a tissue out of the car, dipped it in the puddle, and then had a bit of a sniff. "It's piss...somebody effing pissed on our car." To be sure, Nathalie smelled the tissue as well, and she concurred with my detective work. Not wanting to grab a urine-tainted door handle, we opted to take the Bushmobile out instead. But before leaving, Nathalie went to the concierge's desk and told the person there, "Someone pissed on our car." The person dutifully wrote up an incident report, and we were on our way after I had washed my hands.

We have two competing theories to explain what I have dubbed the Whizzing Bandit. Theory one argues that we were the random victims of some drunk asshole who came home late Saturday night and decided that it would be funny to urinate on someone's car. This explanation is supported by the amount of pee puddle that had dried, an amount that suggests the pee originated late at night when the likelihood of being seen was low. The incident could also be kharmic payback for the time 10 years ago when I watched and laughed as a friend pissed on someone's car in the parking lot of the Pizza Den. So I know that such random acts do occur.

The second theory claims that this was a politically motivated piss-crime. Background info: Our parking garage has pull-through parking, meaning that there are three cars in a column, with one car being sandwiched in between two others so as to maximize space usage. Generally, the Bushmobile is sandwiched between someone else's car and our Saturn. Conceivably then, for someone who doesn't know any better, the Bushmobile could belong to either us with our Saturn, or the person with the car on the other side of the sandwich. The Bushmobile is named such because I have put on it the bumper stickers "Bush Lies," "Leave No Millionaire Behind," and "Regime Change Starts at Home."
The piss-crime theory argues that some rightwing jackass saw the Bushmobile, disapproved of the bumperstickers, and decided to piss on the Saturn as retribution for saying mean things about Bushie. But this theory requires us to believe that the person 1)knew that both cars belong to us, and 2)made the decision to piss on the Saturn because it was the nicer car even though it is not adorned with any bumperstickers.

I'm leaning toward the random-act theory because I think that anyone going to the trouble of pissing on a car to make a political statement wouldn't want to risk their message being lost in a puddle on the ground beside another car. If you're going to piss on someone's car for that reason, you're going to be proud of your actions, so you're going to piss on the right car even if it isn't as new and shiny. I also think that the fact that the urine was confined to only one area of the car suggests that it was a drunk person who couldn't hold it in. An angry wingnut would have wanted the greatest urine coverage possible.

But if it the Whizzing Bandit strikes again, we will have to revisit our theories.

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